Thursday, November 24, 2011

Not the Thanksgiving I was hoping for

It's Thanksgiving, and between you and me, I must admit that it wasn't the Thanksgiving I was hoping for.
In January I was excited about the thought that we were going to have a new addition at the table this year. Of course, that was when I had just recently gone through my first attempt at IVF and had confirmation of pregnancy. Sadly, as you know, we miscarried in late January and early February. Yep, pregnant with twins and lost them both early in the pregnancy. After healing and coping with the heartbreak of having to go through that, we picked up the pieces, saved up some money and tried once again with a second FET in September.
Everything then seemed to be so right. Seemed to be like things were working the way they should We even had the transfer on Ken's birthday! Signs were everywhere, and we layed it all that the feet of the cross and trusted the Lord that we would not have another heartbreak. Again, we were pregnant (most likely with twins due to the high beta levels). I was so excited. Guarded emotionally due to the last experience with this, but just so full of hope and faith that we were going to have the baby we had waited so long for and prayed so hard for all these years.
We had already booked our cruise and timing again was perfect for the trip. I would just be into my second trimester and feel comfortable about going on a trip, especially a cruise. We had planned on sharing the news of our pregnancy today, at Thanksgiving, with family. Today I would have been 14 weeks today.

Instead...we were not able to celebrate that today.

BUT, we did have a great Thanksgiving meal and fellowship with my husband's family.

Despite the sorrows of this year, we still have a lot to be thankful for. Maybe, with the grace of God, we will have a different kind of Thanksgiving next year.

NOW, we get to head to Florida and get on a cruise ship for a week.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Truth about the Insulin Resistance Diet

After following this "link and balance" method for almost two weeks, I have got to say that I "feel" different. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect the pounds to suddenly come melting off and the inches to just vanish over night, but I truly feel so much better. After reading and studying this book for several days, I finally realize just how "food ignorant" I was. One thing that us PCOS women stuggle with so much is our weight and the yo-yo effect of trying just about every fad diet out there.
Insulin Resistance really screws up your metabolism and that's why no matter what we try, we rarely get any true results from any particular diet. Oh sure, we will take off about 14 pounds or so...then nothing, and before you know it, those 14 pounds we lost have come back and brought about 5 or 10 pound friends with them.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I was always told that carbs were what I would have to stay away from...that those are what causes the spikes in our blood sugar and pack on the pounds. It's so hard for me though, because I frequently crave those bad carbs, like pasta, bread, sweets...etc. At times when I have cut out my carbs completely, like when I have done the Atkins diet and things like...I always ALWAYS fail!
BUT....this amazing book (IMHO) really lays it out and finally makes sense to me. Thankfully we can have carbs, but the book tells you to not have any more than 30g of carb at any given time (meal or snack) AND, when you eat those carbs you must also eat protein (14g) to offset the carbs you have eaten. When you have the chance and option to eat low-fat or no-fat things it is best to do so. Another important thing to remember is to not eat more than 30g of carbs within a 2 hour period. Your body makes the decision as to what to store or burn in two hours. If you eat more than 30g of carbs in less than 2 hours...your body is going to tend to store it up as fat.

So...what are some of the things I have eaten on this new plan?

Breakfast: 2 egg or egg substitute (protein) and 1 slice of toast (carb) with water (important not to eat more than 3 egg yolks per week for cholesterol reasons)

Morning Snack: Light & Fit Dannon yogurt (protein) with fruit (grapes, apple slices) (carb)

Lunch: Salad with 2 Tbs light dressing with chicken pieces (protein) (could also add a carb with this as well if you like)

Afternoon Snack: Roasted nuts or cheese (protein) with crackers or fruit (carb)

Dinner: Grilled Chicken or other lean meat (protein), steamed veggies (as much as you want), 1/2 cup mashed potatoes (carb).

Evening snack: 1/2 cup of sugar free ice cream or sherbert

Anyway...this is just an idea of a day's meal. The book gives you a TON of ideas, a list of what is protein or carb as well as what you can have from common fast food restaurants and even packaged meals like Hamburger Helpers, frozen meals, etc.

I'm praying to keep this up even while on our cruise in a couple of weeks. It really shouldn't be a problem because there are a lot of fruits and veggies available.

I should also mention that Ken and I have been going to the gym every night. Sometimes it is hard to find the motivation (the book states that this is a common problem with us PCOS/Insulin Resistant girls). BUT, once we get moving at the gym, things feel good and the motivation comes.

In other words, I would highly recommend anyone who is a fellow PCOS lady to get this book.

Now I am reading PCOS and your Fertility by Collette Harris.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Time to Take CHARGE!!!

Ok, after a couple weeks of grieving and being truly ticked off at our situation and starting an all together new blog that is truly not fertility or TTC related, I have decided that I wasn't done with my journey of trying to conceive. I wasn't going to let this stupid PCOS or Infertility beat me. Granted, I'm what the "book" considers to be AMA, or Advanced Maternal Age and blah blah blah...but I refuse to give up my hope of EVER being a mother. SO, with that being said, I've decided to keep this blog running and dedicate it completely to fertility, my struggles, my triumphs (there better be some coming) and what I'm doing to kick the butt out of this horrible diagnosis!
I will continue with my other blog "Searching Higher Ground", for things not fertility related. I hope that those that follow me here, choose to follow me there, and those that follow me there check in over here from time to time as well. BUT, I'm keeping them separate for those who just aren't interested in the other, if you know what I mean.

Today as I was driving home from dropping my hubby off at work, I just had a revelation, if you will, that God is just not done with me in the regards of trying to have a baby. I thought it was shutting the door about 3 weeks ago, but seriously...I'm a fighter, and he reminded me that all good things are worth fighting for, right?
As soon as I came home, I jumped online to Amazon and Barnes & Noble and pulled up all the books available for women who have PCOS. I knew there were some reference books out there, but I hate NO IDEA that there were so many. So, my first stop today was to B&N to do some looking and thought..."I'll buy a book or two if it seems to have relevant information for us." Wouldn't you know it, they had a total of 5 books that pertained to IF and/or PCOS. I grabbed every single one of them and found a table to sit at to really take a look at what I had in front of me. You should know, in the past I have been an impulse buyer...if the cover looks pertinent, I would buy it....only to find out that it was information I already knew, or didn't even focus on what I was looking for in the first place. So, I figured it was best to waste some time checking them over good, instead of wasting $$ for something that just wasn't going to help me. Besides, who has money to just throw around these days?
No, seriously...I'm asking. I could really use some! haha

Anyway, I ended up purchasing just one book while I was there, something that I felt would get me off on the right foot.
That foot you ask?
DIET & WEIGHTLOSS for those of us who suffer from PCOS!!!

My purchase:

by: Cheryle Hart, MD

This will be my read over the next few days. My jump start this thing on Monday. So...if I start reading today, I should be able to have the idea of what is good and what I should be doing, diet wise. Get the right groceries by Sunday...and be ready to rock n roll come Monday.

After some additional retail therapy to one of my new favorite stores, Versona, and some other necessary errands, I came back home and jumped back on and purchased four other books regarding PCOS. I really can't wait to get them, do my research, and let you know my thoughts on each of them.

I believe I will also start vlogging on youtube again.

Here's to a fresh start....and TAKING CHARGE OF MY INFERTILITY!


Monday, October 10, 2011

Searching Higher Ground

New blog is up with some tweaks still needing to be done!

Click HERE for new blog! I hope that you decide to continue to follow along with me!

If clicking the link above doesn't work for you, please copy and paste: in your web browser.


Friday, October 7, 2011

BFP....for a couple weeks anway

Well, I know it has been a while since I have updated, so I finally feel like I should update and just get it over with.

Last time I posted, I was only 2 days past my transfer. is where it went from there.
I caved and POAS 6dpt and got a positive. This was evening urine, so I was pretty hopeful. Two days later, 8dpt I tried testing with FMU and stronger positive...then again two days after that at 10dp5dt and once again positive. I went in for my first beta test at 10p5dt and my number was....

I was over the moon when the nurse called. She didn't give me my progesterone or estrogen level, but said everything looked good. Since it was Friday, I was to come back on Monday, 13dpt to have a follow up beta checked. This was actually suppose to be the day of my first bloodwork, but since I had already gotten a positive hpt, they had me come in early.
On Monday, Sept. 19th I went back in and my second beta...

I was feeling even better once I got this call and noticed that my doubling rate was about 46 hours! I really started to feel like this was going to be it. That maybe of the three that we put back, that two actually stuck this time and we were going to get those twins that both Ken and I had dreamed about a lot.

The following Saturday we went to Lancaster to be with my inlaws, like we always are on the weekends. While there, I took myself a little nap (since about 6dpt I was always needing to take a nap mid-day because I was so tired). I woke up about an hour later and went to the restroom....blood in my panties and on the tissue. To say I freaked is an understatement. My mind just rushed back to where we were back in January when I started to bleed just a few days after my third beta. I came out of the restroom stonefaced...and Ken knew something was wrong. I told him with tears on the verge of coming...

We have not told my inlaws anything about being pregnant, but while there we decided to let them know since it was obvious I was upset and we needed to cut our visit short to go home and lay down. Of course they didn't get too excited, given the fact that last time we told them, it was only about a week later that we had to tell them of the miscarriage.

Thankfully about an hour after getting home the bleeding had stopped and it was never really heavy with clots or anything. However, over the next couple of weeks there was some slight spotting...just on tissue when going to the I still thought that things were going to be ok. After all, it was NOTHING like it was last time, so I thought that I was just going to be one of those women that has some bleeding during pregnancy. If all was going to be ok, I would deal with the bleeding, even though it peaked my concern.

Last Saturday I took a hpt in the evening, just wanting to see that second line and put my mind at ease...but that second like was so faint. I just knew it was over for us. I came out of the bathroom and showed Ken and told him that it was over... Bless his heart, he just told me that it had to be a faulty test, that he still believed all was ok. And honestly...even though I felt different (in a bad way), I thought that he was right. I mean with HCG levels as high as mine were, there would have at least still been a good amount in there to show a stronger positive...RIGHT?

This past Weds, Oct 5th...Ken and I went in for our first ultrasound. We would have been 6w6d.
The doctor came in....started the ultrasound....




We both just lost it. We couldn't hardly believe that there was NOTHING there!
I mean, I feel like I somehow knew it was over a few days before...but I just still held onto my faith and my hope that there would be one little bean in there. I just couldn't believe that the Lord would bring us this far to break our hearts again. I couldn't believe that we could have such high beta numbers, with perfect doubling, and all the early pregnancy symptoms I had this time that I didn't have last time...just to crush our dreams and break our hearts yet again.

That night we went to dinner and called my dad to let him know the news....

The next morning when I woke up, my dad was sitting in my living room!

My dad dropped everything he had going on in Florida, and an hour after he got the call about the sad news, he was on the road driving here to North Carolina to be with me.
What girl needs a mom when she has an awesome dad like that? I'm such a daddy's girl!

He came to keep me busy so I wasn't alone, since Ken just couldn't take any time off of work. Dad didn't want me sitting around the house. We went to a movie (Dolphin Tale) was a great movie, but I of course cried throughout the whole thing, even at things that weren't so sad!

So, here we are, just 2 days since getting the news. How am I doing? How do you think I'm doing?
Last night was the roughest night so far. I got so upset while we were lying in bed and it was quiet. I started to hyper-ventilate and was having weird breathing patterns. I think that Ken was a little scared and worried about me. He kept me up for a little while just to make sure that I was ok. God I love this man...he is really my rock.

So, where do we go from here? Looks like we are done with the infertility stuff. Although we still have two embies still on ice, I just can't imagine going through this yet again, and we realistically don't have the funds just lying around to spend on another crap shoot. I just feel so defeated by this whole thing. Of course we don't have to make the ultimate decision right now, but soon we will have to decide what to do with the embryos...either pay for more storage or donate/discard them.

Because I am taking a break and possibly done with the TTC journey...this blog will be closed. For those of you who follow me, I will be restarting my "life journey" blog if you would like to follow me there. I will post the link to that within a week!

Thanks for all of your encouraging words and prayers.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


Two days down, and ten to go until beta is tested.
Transfer Recap
Tuesday was a really good day. Transfer was scheduled for noon, so had to get up at 6am to take my Crinone. My next medication wasnt suppose to be taken until 8 so I thought I could get a couple more hours of sleep. That didn't happen!
Ken and I laid in bed watching some tv and thinking about the day, which happened to be his birthday too.
After our showers we went out for a good breakfast at Charlotte Cafe.
We got to the clinic af 11:30 as asked, but didn't get called back until almost noon. They were busy with lots of transfers.
Dr. C came in and told us that all 3 embies we thawed looked great and still AA grade. He also made the comment about all of them taking.and then losing them all at birth. Needless to say, that ticked me off.
But, the transfer went so much smoother than last time. We got a picture of a beautiful embies as well as a picture of the actual transfer.

So, now the waiting begins.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Do I see an FET on the horizon?

If everything goes as planned, my transfer is scheduled for noon on Tuesday.
I say "if everything goes as planned" because today's bloodwork wasn't what the clinic had hoped for.
I went in this morning for what was suppose to be my last labwork before transfer. Of course, being Sunday, I was nervous about missing "The Call" while at church, so I had my phone on vibrate throughout the worship service and Sunday School. Of course, the call didn't come until well after church as we were getting ready to have our afternoon lunch. I answered with anticipation waiting to get my instructions for Tuesday and heard the news. "We currently have you scheduled for noon on Tuesday for your transfer, however your progesterone was a little low this morning and Dr. C would like for you to come in tomorrow morning to have those labs rechecked and have an ultrasound to check your lining one more time."
WHAT?? Really??
I happened to ask the nurse what my progesterone level was, and although I don't remember exactly, it was under 5! I knew that it sounded low, but I don't know what is expected at this stage. Honestly, this was the first time I had even asked what my "level" was this entire FET. Every other IUI and even with my previous FET I always asked what each bloodwork level was throughout. This time I didn't want to focus on any number. The only number I care about is that BETA number at the end of those two weeks.
Anyway, I asked the nurse what it "should" be. She was kind of vague. Her response was that if I was doing PIO that my level would be about 20. However, this FET I am only on the Crinone gel, which apparently doesn't get picked up in your bloodstream, therefore not picked up on the labs. I was a little concerned, but she said that the if everything looked good tomorrow with my lining and blood flow, then the transfer would still go on.
So, although I didn't want to get wrapped up in this, I went to good old Doctor Google. Wouldn't you know it...there was really nothing out there regarding this. For the most part, most people do both the PIO along with the Crinone gel. I mean, my last FET, I did both as well. This time around my doctor didn't prescribe it because according to studies, the Crinone gives all the progesterone needed right where it is needed. Makes sense to're putting it as close to the uterus as you can get it, right?
Anyway, here I sit, just a mere 40 or so hours away from transfer and there is a question as to whether it will happen or not.
I must say that I'm not too concerned about the thickness of my lining because this past Thursday my lining was 9-10 and my thought is that it can only get thicker right? So, I'm praying for it to be around 12 tomorrow.

Stay tuned for our update tomorrow...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

One More Week

Waiting. The entire journey of TTC is always about waiting!
I am excited about the coming days, and the fact that I will be having my FET a week from today. I just can't believe that it's just around the corner. I remember when this whole protocol started that it seemed so far away, and here it is, just a few days away.
Funny, DH and I were talking about how I probably wouldn't get much sleep next Monday night, and to be honest, he is probably right. I mean, how can you sleep when you have something so exciting happening the following day? It's like a kid the night before they are going to Disney World, or the night before Christmas, or me...the night before getting on a cruise ship! HAHA
Lately I have been doing a lot of praying. I pray every day normally....but lately, just seems like I am praying more. Not just for myself and what we are getting ready to do, but for those other girls that I have come to know that are on their journey's to conceive as well. Those that have had the heartbreak like I've had, those that are celebrating their much deserved BFPs, and those that are in the dreaded TWW (I'll be there next week). They all have touched my heart in so many different ways. They are in my thoughts a lot, and I pray for them. I just hope they know that. the days roll by, and I prepare for my snow babies to have a nice warm "thick" home to snuggle into, I am calm, peaceful and faithful...this is going to be our time!


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Moving Right Along~2 more weeks

This past Sunday I called my nurse to let her know that AF had not shown up yet after being off BCP's for 6 days. She instructed me to come in on Monday (8/22) to have baseline bloodwork and u/s. So...that's what we did. My lining was at 7 and the on call doctor believed that AF would arrive within 2 days. However, once I got home....Aunt Flo arrived and she came full force.
Later that day, I got a call from the nurse telling me to start my estrogen patches and decrease my Lupron to 5 units.
What does that mean? My transfer is only 2 weeks away. What was originally scheduled for Sept. 9th, has now been moved to Sept. 6th because the doctor is going to be out of town. The good news is that Sept. 6th is DH's birthday so I'm taking that as a good sign. The other thing that means is that it's less than 2 weeks away now, no I'm getting anxious and nervous as well. I'm trying not to stress, and refuse to let it consume me. Of course I say that all the while spending lots of time online researching baby products and looking at baby stuff. Call me crazy, but it is exciting for me to think about being PUPO in two weeks. I'm praying daily that we get a BFP with a great beta number. Of course reality is, I won't really breathe comfortably until after the first trimester.
So, the next few weeks are going to be busy which is a good thing. We have the gamecock game on Saturday, the 3rd, then Memorial Day we will be cooking out with the in-laws and then Tuesday we will be having Transfer Day!

There has been a lot of good things happening. Some wonderful ladies from my FT forum have gotten their BFP's. These are ladies that have been on the boards as long as I have been and we have endured BFN's after another. There are also some great ladies that are preparing for their transfers soon too. I feel great things coming this fall. You just wait and see!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Last night was my last BCP. I'm so very happy about that. Having taken the last one means that we are 3 weeks down. This means...we are halfway there!
Now the wait is on for the dreaded AF. Never thought I would be looking forward to aunt flo to show her ugly face, but I'm praying she comes around by Thursday or Friday.

On non related IF stuff, my dad has been here visiting from Florida. He came up for my husband's family reunion which happens every year in August. It's nice that my dad feels welcome enough to join in the reunion each and every year too. DH's parents really enjoy spending time with him, and I know he enjoys the time with them too.
Dad did mention that he was going to retire Dec. 16th. I'm sort of secretly wishing that means he will be moving this way. I know that he would love to be here to spend the time with his grandkinds (the first for both sides).


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Two Weeks Down!

Well, yesterday marked two weeks complete of he six weeks to transfer. Ugh, it seems to be going so slow. This morning was my first injection of the Lupron. I'm hoping that I don't get the dreaded Lupron headaches and I'm praying that this helps to make things seem to move faster than they have been. I'm also looking forward to Next Monday which will be my LAST BCP! I have felt so crappy on them, and I know I have been crabby. I got all my medicine for the most part, except for the doxy, the medrol, the valium and of course the ovidrel.

Thankfuly for the next week I will be pretty busy. My dad is coming in from Florida for vacation and then we are going to be having my husband's family reunion.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Gearing Up for FET #2

Ok, so either I didn't ovulate, or I ovulated and the 2 times (and I mean, barely 2 times) that DH and I did the baby dance were unsuccessful, GO FIGURE!
Well, yesterday I met with Dr. C, my RE and we are starting another FET. His first question was, "So, you have 5 beautiful embies, 4 are excellent AA's and 1 is definitely baby making material so how many do you want to trasnfer?" I didn't hesitate...."We are adimant about putting 3 in this time!" Needless to say, he wasn't too crazy about that idea. He threw his hands up and rolled his office chair back and said some things that really kind of ticked me off. First comment was, "Well, what happens if you get pregnant with triplets and they all die because you can't manage being pregnant with 3 at once?" OR..."Have you even talked to your OB/Gyn about carrying multiples?" Umm, well that would be a big fat NO, because I haven't gotten pregnant long enough to even discuss that with my doctor. Don't you think that is a stupid question?
Well, I explained to him why DH and I were so set on transfering 3 and with this being our possible last shot at doing this, we wanted to really give it a good chance at having a baby in 9 months or so. Besides, isn't all of this up in God's hands. If we get pregnant with 3 (although I am smart enough to know that the chances of all of them taking are very low), then God will see us through and it is going to be just perfect. My faith has turned from being with the doctors to solely being with the Lord.
I have learned a lot during this journey...I've learned to be patient, it will all work out in God's time (this was a hard one); I've become very humbled throughout this entire walk.  My faith has been tested to it's limits. I was pushed to the edge, but thankfully made my way back.

I'm really looking forward to this next transfer. It's going to be one long 6 weeks (until Transfer) and 8 weeks until we find out if we were successful or not!


Thursday, June 30, 2011

Cycle Day 17....Update

Well, today is CD 17...and question is, "have I ovulated yet?"
That's a good question...because I really don't know. I have been taking OPK's since CD11 and doing the old monitoring of my BBT, which we know is not really accurate...but, what can I say other than I don't really have any other option right now.
This is my first real cycle since the miscarriages, so I'm not expecting a true out right cycle...

DH surprised the heck out of me Sunday though, because he is all ready to do another FET if we are not successful on our own during THIS cycle. Surprised, yes... I mean I am happy that he is ready to push forward, but I figured he might want to try on our own for a few months, not just this time only. The big thing is going to be getting the funds together. According to the estimate, we will need to expect on paying about $3500 which does not include the medication which can run upwards to about $1000. BUT, DH seems to think we can swing it...but I just don't know how. we just wait....and see if we are successful.
That IS if I even O'd this cycle.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

FINALLY, a period!

Well, so I thought I had ovulated about 13 days ago or so...but now it looks like I might have gotten my positive OPK at the end of an ovulation cycle. Today is CD3! Tuesday morning I woke up and welcomed the wicked witch of the south (if you know what I mean). This was the first signs of a true AF since my miscarriages back in January/February!
Normally, today, CD3 I would be at the clinic first thing in the morning having blood work and ultrasound to see what is going on my uterus and ovaries. BUT, today I was able to sleep in, and not even think about having to go to a clinic, or prepare to start fertility medications. LOVE IT!

On the flip side of what else is going on in my back has been really killing me the past few days. Thinking back, it actually started to hurt about a day before AF arrived. Could this be cycle related? Who knows. I know that I have never had any back ache like this before. We got notice last Tuesday that our tenants at our house were moving out and relocating to MN. The 24 month lease they signed turned into only about 4 months! Surprisingly I was not very stressed over this. I felt confident that we would find another tenant, AND we would be able to raise the rent a little, since it seems like we were renting it a lot less that other homes in the area. This past Sunday we showed the house 4 times and had 2 applications by Monday afternoon. Yesterday we made our choice and will be meeting them to sign a lease tonight. stress. I've got to stay stress free.

As for my involvement with the fertility boards....I've stayed clear. I just can't get all wrapped up in that right now. I get so invested in the boards and the girls on there that I have come to love over the past year since I joined FT...but, I've got to keep my sanity right now. I'm starting to get better about dealing with my losses, but I'm not 100% there yet.

Speaking of, yesterday I went to our rental house and met with the tenants who are leaving to get the keys. She is pregnant and due in August. She already has a 3 year old little boy. I kindly asked what she was having...her response: "Another dang boy...I'm a boy maker!" My response to her was simply..."well, at least you can make them!" I then followed my reply with a nice, but honestly empty..."Congratulations"

Ugh...maybe this cycle? Lord I pray so!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Without prescription medications? Really? Well, it seems to be the case.
About 9 days ago, on June 4th, I noticed that I was having some pretty heavy discharge, which after doing some checking determined it was EWCM. It really kind of shocked me, because I had not had any AF since my miscarriages, so...could I be reading my body right? I mean I had noticed some slight cramping for a couple days, but nothing really to take note of...but then again in all the years since my first menses at age 11 (yes, you heard me right), I never had any cramping. Matter of fact, I only ever noticed any ovulation cramping when I was on fertility meds and would take an injection to induce ovulation...really. So, I decided to take an OPK, since I had several in my stash from my TTC before doing my IUI's and monitoring and IVF.
Really? Can this be possible?
Funny thing is, I had called my OB/Gyn nurse earlier that day to discuss my concern since it had been so long since my miscarriage and yet I had not had a period. So...I took this test before I received her call back. Below is the gist of that call:
Nurse K: "Dr. M. was wondering if you were still receiving treatment at Reach?"
Me: "Well, no! I haven't been there since my last beta test in early March."
Nurse K: "That's kind of what I thought, and what I relayed to the doctor." She asked if you took a HPT."
Me: "I actually took one over a week ago, even though I knew it would be negative, I just wanted to make sure to rule that out."
Nurse K: "Well, she would like to have you repeat a HPT in a week and then call back to let us know the results. We might have to put you on Provera to induce a period."
Me: "Well, funny thing. I took a OPK about 10 minutes before your call, and it is showing positive. I also have noticed a lot of EWCM, so is it possible that I could be ovulating without having a break thru AF?"
Nurse K: "Of course it is possible. I wish you luck if you are going to attempt anything."
Me: "Well, I haven't told my husband yet, but we will see and pray that everything works out ok. I will retest then in 2 weeks and then follow up with you then."
Nurse K: "Sounds good. I look forward to hearing great news from you then!"

So, there you have it. It looks like I ovulated, so we tried...ONCE, because that's just how it worked out for us that weekend. I'm not holding out any hope or expectation of course, but I've been praying about it. I'm mostly just thrilled that my body ovulated without any prescription assistance and manipulation. I really think that the pills that I started (Fertility Blend for Women) is doing something with my body. It's all up to God, as it has always been...I just stand amazed every day at what He can do and the miracles that he grants us.

Friday morning will be the day I will POAS, yet again. I pray I see two lines, but honestly...this time around I won't be disappointed. I will just be excited that my body is responding and keep plugging along and praying that maybe the next cycle will be my time!

The most amazing thing about this "alternative treatment" that I feel more in control. It's funny....and freeing. My life is not dictated by doctor appointments, and what time to be home to take my shot, and blood work, and over thinking... I'm not missing that. Would I ever do it again, if I need to for my victory....I will; that is if the Lord finds us the means to make it happen financially. But this journey is not over for me. It's not going to beat me.


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Where have I been?

What a good question!
I wish I could honestly answer it too.
I have had my days of pity party and then days where I am focused on things, and then I have days where I feel like I have been walking around in a haze.

I'm 35...and still motherless. No AF since the miscarriage of my second twin, so I'm wondering....WHY? I have always had issues with being irregular (the joys of PCOS), but...seriously? I thought for sure that I would have one major flow from the red seas so to speak, but NADA.

As the Memorial Day weekend approaches, I can hardly really focus on the joys this weekend normally brings with cook-outs, family fun time, and lasting memories without looking back on the thoughts that I should be pregnant right now...22 weeks pregnant, to be exact. UGH, will it ever happen?

Lord, I know you don't give us more than we can handle, but today it amazes me that you trust me so much! This journey is so incredibly hard, but if it's the journey I'm meant to travel, I will do it. My prayer is that is draws me closer to you!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Alternative Ferility Methods

Since it looks like another FET is a little out of our reach right now, I've been spending the past few weeks concentrating on "alternative" fertility treatments. I've researched all sorts of things from acupuncture, Chinese herbs, meditation and so forth. There is good and bad with everything I have read, but I think that I have settled on something and will give it a try for a few months to see if there is any success. If it will get my cycles regular, that will be a start. Since my miscarriages in late January and early February, the evil witch has stayed clear of me. Some might think that is a blessing, but for someone who is trying so desperately to conceive, I am going crazy without having her visit.

So, what is this that I'm trying? FERTILITY BLEND for Women by Daily Wellness. I picked up a bottle from my local GNC for about $40. Of course to some that might seem pretty high, but to those of us who have paid for fertility medications like Follistim injections, Ovidrel trigger shots, Crinone Gel, Progesterone in Oil, etc...$40 is a welcome change. The recommended dosage is 3 pills per day, which is what I am taking (one in the morning, one at lunch and one before bed). There is also a FERTILITY BLEND for men, but my hubby won't be starting those until he is due for more supplements. He is already taking most of the supplements that are in this pill individually.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting all my eggs into one basket and expecting this to be the end all/be all for my TTC, but after reading some inspiring reviews of this product, I felt that it was worth a shot. So, along with a lot of prayers and patience (this whole journey is about patience, right?) I pray that this might be a little miracle pill.

So, have any of your heard of this supplement? Have you yourself tried it or know of someone who has? It has been around for a while and I can't believe I just came across this in the past week with my googling and research.

I'm also contemplating purchasing a Clearblue Easy Fertility monitor as help take away some of the guess work, so to speak!


Monday, April 18, 2011

Infertility weight

Well hello friends!
I've been lacking in blogs and I apologize for that. Honestly, my mind has been elsewhere. BUT, it's that time to update and get focused again.
Last Tuesday I started taking a diet pill to help with some energy and to get a jump start on getting rid of all this infertility weight. You know, the weight that comes along when taking all those prescription medications that are meant to help prepare your body to get pregnant. Well, in my case it was just medications that seemed to have added more junk to my trunk, so to speak!
Before I started these pills, Phentramin-D, I weighed myself and did my measurements so I can log and keep track of my progress. Saturday, after just 4 days of taking these pill, I was down 4 pounds already. Of course some of that is probably water weight, but I'll take it. I will be checking my weight and measurements tomorrow morning after a full week of doing these pills to see where I'm at. I hope to be blogging about some great success with this.

We also had to make the difficult decision Friday to not continue with the Cobra insurance. It was hard to make this decision because it means that we are not going to be able to prepare for a FET anytime soon. This is sad, but I have to continue to believe that we will be parents...that we are MEANT to have a baby, and that the Lord will give us this miracle. If it's in His plan, it will happen one way or another. Either we will find a way to come up with the money to do a transfer ourselves, or we will have our own little miracle. I am not going to let infertility beat me!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Our Cruise on the Carnival Dream

Well, I said that I would post my review of the Carnival Dream, so here it is along with some photos from our cruise vacation!
Let me start off by saying that my DH has been on 12 cruises on several different lines (Carnival, Princess, Royal Caribbean, Celebrity, Holland America) and this was my 3rd. With that being said, we are familiar with cruising and what is out there and although we knew that Carnival was the "budget" cruise line, we were intrigued by the Dream, in that it is a new ship and the largest of the Carnival fleet. We were sure that they would have stepped it up a bit with this new ship, but sadly...we were disappointed. Needless to say, this was our last cruise with Carnival.
Although this ship is larger, all that they did was increase the amount of cabins on board to gain more revenue for more people on board. The common/public areas were the same as they are on several other ships of theirs, and they aren't much bigger in square footage so there is more people packed into smaller areas for shows, comedians, dining and even pools. There was only 2 pools which seems ridiculous when this ship's capacity is roughly 3600 passengers. Which leads to another problem. The cruise director made the mistake of mentioning a few times during the week that there were 4500 passengers on board which made the ship OVER capacity by almost 1,000 passengers. What do you think would happen if we had a problem at sea and couldn't get everyone into lifeboats? Scary thought huh?

Embarkation was one of the smoothest either of us have experienced. My dad who lives near Orlando dropped us off at the port Saturday afternoon so that we wouldn't have to pay over $100 for parking our car for a week. Once we gave our luggage to the porter, we were through security, checked in and on the boat within 15 minutes! All of our luggage was at our room by 2pm and we were unpacked before our life boat drill, which NEVER happens.

The food on the ship was par. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't all that great either. We tried almost all the options, and there is a lot on board, especially for lunch. There is: lunch room (served food), general buffet, pasta bar (BEST LUNCH), grill (hamburgers, hot dogs and fries), pizza bar, deli, sushi, BBQ (not what you would think of a BBQ), Mongolian (GREAT TOO), Tandoori (Indian style food). As I mentioned, the pasta bar was the best lunch in my opinion. You choose your pasta, your sauce, your toppings and whether you want bread or a salad then it is brought to your table when it is ready. To avoid being boring, I'm not going to elaborate on the food, but I can tell you that I've had better food on other ships.

The shocking part was the entertainment, or lack there of. They kept stating that the production shows were multi-million dollar shows but honestly, I've seen much better at high school production shows. The music(singers) were, well...not so good. The dancers were hardly ever together making the choreography look cheap and choppy, and the direction of the productions was kindergarten rate. The comedians they had on board were the best entertainment for the evening. We made every show for them in the evenings (adult only shows, not the family shows) and always got there early because seats would get full quick! The karaoke on board was a big joke. I think they might have had 100 songs in their list, so if you were a karaoke junkie like us, you would be disappointed. The KJ (Karaoke host) had no personality and didn't involve the crowd at all, just simply called each singer up. There was one good band, called the blackjack band that sang in the Ocean Plaza each night and they were great. They did a lot of 80s cover tunes, a few country tunes and great dance hits too. As for entertainment to keep you busy during the day or events like deck parties and such, there was 1 deck party for a 7 night cruise, and it was a joke as well. We stayed for about 45 minutes and decided we could find something better to do somewhere, which we didn' we went to bed early that night (early as in 11:45pm).

I could go on and on, but I will not bore you with that. I will just suggest that if you are looking for a cruise and if you were considering this ship...or even this line, look somewhere else. I know that it is a cheaper line, but like what they get what you pay for, right?

For our next cruise, we are considering the Royal Caribbean Oasis of the Seas. We have seen this ship several times before, but this cruise it was at every port we were at and each time we saw it, we just wanted to hop off our ship and join the gang over on the Oasis.

BUT, know that I am not complaining about being on a cruise. I was happy to be on a cruise and away from the cares of the world for a week. DH and I both needed it very much, and got to spend a week enjoying time together. I wouldn't trade anything for that!

 The was the view from our lunch table before we first boarded the ship!

 My sweet DH is prepared.

 Ahh, time for some relaxation in the Adults area - Serenity!

 The water in St. Thomas, USVI

 Me and DH riding the boat back to our ship in St. Marteen

The rear view of the Oasis of the Seas (our next cruise)


Rested and ready to move forward

After 7 days on a cruise, I have had some wonderful time resting and relaxing and spending some much needed time alone with my DH.
Although the cruise wasn't so hot (DH has dubbed Carnival as the Trailerhood of cruise lines), we enjoyed being away from the stress of work and being wrapped up in the sadness of our loss. It was nice just to spend a week not talking about it and not being around people who were aware of it who kept asking if I was alright or if I was ready to try again and IF I was going to try again.
I had fully planned on video taping throughout the cruise and giving a full video review of the ship and our experience on the Carnival Dream, but honestly there just wasn't anything that interesting of the ship to walk around with my video camera. I did do a few short clips of the inside of our cabin and some common areas on the ship, but when I got home and reviewed them I realized that it just wasn't what I wanted to share. SO...I will blog a review a little later today or possibly tomorrow for those who are interested to know my point of view from cruising.
Anyway, we are back to reality now and I'm doing some serious thinking of moving forward to the goal to motherhood. AF still hasn't arrived, and I'm so thankful that she didn't show her ugly head while we were on vacation. Can you think of a bigger bummer? Now that I am back home, I'm a little concerned that AF hasn't come, so I called the nurse yesterday who basically told me I could wait it out or come in for baseline bloodwork to see where I'm at. She said they could tell from the bloodwork if I was approaching AF or if I was baseline enough to start BCPs. So...why am I hesitating? This is what I want isn't it?

I've decided that I will plan to go in for bloodwork next Wednesday if I have not gotten AF by then. Call me crazy, but maybe I'm just having a little wishful thinking after all the "alone" time that DH and I had while on our cruise. I truly don't know what got into my hubby, but we BD more in the past week than we have in 6 months!!! (That was another perk to the cruise).

As for my heart and my emotions...I'm getting better every day. My ex-coworker that went through her IVF 3 weeks before I did is now 18 weeks pregnant with a baby girl from her successful attempt, and although it hurts knowing that it would make me 15 weeks pregnant and it's so bitter sweet...I am truly happy for her and wish her all the best. I've sent messages to her via text and email a few times and even on her FB but have not received any response from her. That hurts the most I think. We were "fertility sisters" and went through all of this together, and now I'm not even acknowledged. I guess my problem is that I get to vested with friends and coworkers. Lesson learned!

So, I guess I will soon be popping pills again and doing those shots again. Honestly, I have enjoyed not having to worry about all of that stuff, but I guess I need to realize that this is just what has to be done, right? And, if I'm paying the outrageous COBRA fee, I might as well use it before it's gone, if not I have wasted that money for nothing!

Oh well, part of me is super excited about the future and praying that the Lord will bless us with a true sticky bean this time cause I just know I couldn't go through another loss again! This will be our last shot, so I have to be well prepared mentally for this, so the cruise has helped to clear my mind and prepare it for the craziness of a FET.

Anyway, I will be sharing some of our cruise photos soon!


Friday, March 25, 2011

Tomorrow's my birthday and I hear Vacation Calling...

One year older and I'm so ready for this vacation!
I can hear the waves crashing and the sound of the horn from the cruise ship as we set sail to the Eastern Caribbean. In less than 24 hours I should be relaxing pool side on the beautiful Carnival Dream as we set sail on a much needed get-away!

I can't think of a better way to celebrate a birthday, however it is pretty bittersweet to me. I should be pregnant right now. Of course I always thought that by the age of 35 I would be a mom of two.

God has a plan, and I'm doing my best to put my faith back into that. I'm trying to see the future and what it has in store for me. A friend of mine tells me often that "Man plans; God laughs".

BUT, for the next week there is going to be no sadness, no talk of what has happened the past few months and no tears! We will be having a much needed time to ourselves with no distractions, no work and just loads of laughs, smiles and many new memories.
Everything is packed, the car is loaded, now I just have to wait for my wonderful DH to get off work and come get me so we can hit the road.
With good luck we should be at dad's by 11pm tonight (fingers crossed) and get some rest before we get up and head to Port Canaveral.

So, I wish I could take you all with me, but I will be sharing photos and video when I return.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St. Patty's Day

Wow, it is so hard to believe that it is already St. Patrick's Day, March 17th ALREADY? Where has all the time gone? Today has always been a fun day for me. I use to make sure I would always wear some form of green so that I wouldn't get pinched! Ha, I even reminded DH last night to make sure he wore green before heading off to the work place. Of course I was still in bed when he left, so I have no idea if he took my advice or not. He probably thought I was totally joking.

My sister-in-law, well...technically EX sister-in-law celebrates her birthday on St. Patty's day and today I'm remembering all the fun times we use to have going out on her birthday. She was always the brave one who would try the Green Beer...while I just sat back and enjoyed watching her goof around. It's been quite a few years since I have gotten to celebrate this holiday and her birthday with her, but I'm sure she will be right out there living it up, drinking the green beer and dancing like she does every year.

I'm so excited, we are just a little over a week away from vacation and cruise time. I'm so excited that I even started to pull all my clothes out that I plan on taking to try them on and make sure they still fit. To some that sounds crazy, but after all this TTC weight and the miscarriage weight, I had to make sure. I've been spending time at the gym here at the complex, but obviously it isn't going to come off as quickly as it went on. Normally I would never be seen in a bathing suit looking like I do now, but darn it...I deserve this vacation, and I'm not going to waste one minute of it. So, that being said, I feel sorry for the other passengers on the Carnival Dream that sets sail next Saturday because I will be in my bathing suit several days of my trip and I just don't give a dang what they thing! HA!

Anyway, I have been thinking of things to keep myself busy over the past few weeks that I have been sitting around the house during the day with nothing to do (I'm going crazy). I have decided to start vlogging and posting those on I had started this several months ago, and even had the video of us telling Ken's parents we were pregnant up, but yesterday I did an update video and new intro and deleted some of the old videos that were on there.

Matter of fact, here is my video from yesterday...

Well, I guess that's it for now. I have so much to do today, but wanted to post before I got too involved in things.

Again, have a wonderful St. Patty's day and enjoy the weekend!


Monday, March 7, 2011

Healing and Dealing

I know it's been a few weeks since I have posted, and well...due to the heartbreak I was going through, I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it, let along BLOG about it.
Since my post, we have moved and have started to get somewhat settled in our new "home". Call me crazy, but although there were a lot of good memories in our old house, the most recent one's were very sad and upsetting and they overtook the good memories. Hopefully we will build happy and loving memories in our new place. I remembered how much I HATE moving, but I'm so thankful that it came at this juncture, because it kept my mind busy on the tasks that needed to be done to prepare the house for our tenants and getting everything moved into our new "home". Don't get me wrong, there were several times during the quietest times in the night when I would think about what happened, and question my faith and my God, and why he would do this to us...why he would give us something that we had longed and prayed for...yet just take it away...TWICE! Even today, I can say..."well, I would have been 11 weeks" and the thought makes me sad.

The good thing about this is that I truly believe that this has brought me and my dear husband closer together...even though I thought that was not possible. I have seen him hurt through this too. I've seen that sadness in his eyes if I think out loud about where we should have been, and where we are now. Sometimes as women on this horribly unfair TTC journey, it's hard to really remember that our husbands are going through this with us, and they are having all of the emotions that we are having as well. And for me, I have been down this road for over 14 years...where my husband has only been on it for about a year (we have only seriously been TTC the past year).

Another good thing is that we have scheduled a cruise vacation, and we are sailing out on my birthday this year...March 26th! We so desperately needed a vacation, and since we both LOVE cruising...we just knew that this was the best "get-away" for both of us. We need time to just be alone and love each other again.
Not that we don't love each other now! But you know that sometimes you just need that time to not deal with the bad, the sad and the ugly!

As for trying again...our plan is to start to prepare for another transfer once we get back from our cruise.
Right now I am still being monitored until my HCG has gone down to 0, zero. Last week it was down to 16, and hopefully tomorrow the level will be zero so that I don't have to think about this any more. I don't know if it's just me, but having to continue to be monitored, and still having that pregnancy hormone just adds salt to the wounds.

We have also decided that as far as letting our family and loved one's know of our plans to go through this again, we will keep this between us...and of course my blog readers! :)
We love their support and their prayers, but we just can't go through this again with having the excitement of telling them, and then having to tell them the saddest news ever. I don't even think that I will be able to get excited at the thought of a positive pregnancy test again. So...that being said, I think we will not share the news until we are about 12 weeks along. I just hope that someday we can share that news.

So, I guess that's it for now for an update. I'm going to try to get better at the updates, especially since I'm not currently working.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and love~


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

So much for that...

It has been a bit since I have done any type of blog update, but I found about 2 minutes in my day today and felt the need to do since...well things have changed!
We went in to the RE Thursday past for a follow up ultrasound to make sure that everything was ok.
Wednesday night (the night before), I started to have some light bleeding. Honestly...I wasn't alarmed. I mean it was nothing like the first time, and that entire week before I heard the heartbeat, I had what seemed like an actual period, so...I felt pretty confident that all was ok. There was no cramping and no discomfort, so I just stopped all the packing (we are in the process of moving) and spent the rest of the evening in bed.
Ken and I were there in the exam room with great anticipation for him to hear and see the little jelly bean...and then there it was....SILENCE!
The doctor said those haunting words, "the heartbeat is gone". And just like that, my world came crashing down...AGAIN!!
God, I just don't understand how this has happened AGAIN!
So, we have lost the second baby, and my heart is broken far beyond repair at this time.
I'm thankful that we are busy moving, so it keeps my mind distracted...for the most part. BUT, in the silence of the night, in the car stopped at a red light. While I am in the shower. When the world seems to be so still to me...I can hear my heart breaking again.

I know this is a short update, but I'm still not really able to just blog out about this roller coaster ride. I will, I know I will, but just not today.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Things Are Changing at 7 weeks

Right now, our little jelly bean is the size of a blueberry! What a sweet little blueberry, indeed.

Wow...I'm just starting my 7th week of pregnancy today, and let me say that I'm amazed at the changes going on in my body already. I can tell you that the frequent potty trips have started since last week, and it's nice to have another sign that I'm truly carrying this beautiful miracle baby. I've been having a little bit of nauseousness, but I haven't actually been "sick". The only time I feel that I'm not sick to my stomach is when I'm eating something, so it seems like I'm eating all the time. I have a bloated feeling too, or maybe it's just things "moving around" and making room for what I keep thinking is going to be a sweet little princess who will end up being the biggest daddy's girl.
Thursday we have another appointment to see our little jelly bean, and I'm so excited about that! I can't wait to see how big we are now. AND, it looks like "daddy" will be able to be there to see our little miracle and hear the heartbeat too! I'm excited to see his expression when he has that experience.
We've got a big weekend ahead of us, as we are moving...but I'm looking forward to it. This is actually the first move where I have a good excuse not to lift, pull, carry or do anything too strenuous. In other words, I get to delegate and pack...that's the kind of moving I can handle. Oh....and no more stairs. I was getting to the point where I dreaded going up the stairs in our home.
One great thing about this pregnancy is that I get to talk to my dad every day almost. He calls to see how the little one is doing and how I'm feeling. Most women have their mom's or sisters to talk to about their pregnancy and how things are going. I have my daddy...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

There's a Miracle in Me

I know it's been a while since I have updated, but as you can imagine, I went into one heck of a funk when I had my miscarriage...or what I was told was a miscarriage!
Ken and I got away for the weekend that week because we just needed to have some alone time. Time to  heal, time to just be together. We ended up going to Myrtle Beach...and lets just say that only we would choose to go to the beach when it's 30 degrees outside. But it was ok. The point of the trip was just to be away from things, and be together for each other. We spent most of the time in our room, watching the ocean and did a few trips to the shopping spots, but we didn't spend too much time outside.
Well, after coming home from the beach, that next day I lost my job. You know, the one that was low stress, I was friends with everyone there (I'll get more into that later), and that had the great fertility insurance that we so desperately needed. So...basically I had insult to injury.
This past Friday I went back to the RE because they wanted to monitor me until my HCG beta was down to 0...that's right, ZERO! And the nurse advised that it could take a while...BUT


My levels had tripled since the prior Friday.
When I asked the nurse if I should be excited, she said "Doubtful". Their thought was that it could be ectopic, so it scared me to death. The doctor had already left for the day, so they scheduled me for an u/s for Monday morning. BUT, since I was so scared, I called my Ob/Gyn and explained the situation. They told me to come in and they would fit me in between patients.
When the tech did the u/s they did not find my uterus OR my tubes or ovaries. The doctor I saw there, we'll call him Dr. Z (my doctor wasn't in) was amazing! He was more hopeful than my RE or nurse were. He told me that by Monday he is sure they will see something in my uterus.
Well yesterday rolled around, and you can bet there were a lot of prayers going on.
The doctor started in my uterus and saw nothing. He made his way to my right tube and ovary then ovary to my left ovary and tube. Then, on the corner of the screen we saw something pulsing. My initial thought was that there was no way that it was MY heartbeat. I mean I have had thousands of these u/s and never have I seen my heart-rate on the screen. The nurse made her way over to me, grabbed my wrist and quickly noticed that it was faster than my heart-rate.
The doctor made his way back down to my uterus...and there it was.

That beautiful little "jelly bean" was there with a beautiful heartbeat of just under 120 bpm.

The doctor said, "well, you have a uterine pregnancy"
I said, "what does that mean?"
He said, "that means there is no chance of an ectopic problem."
I said, "but what does that mean?"
The nurse chimes in.."You know what you have been praying for all weekend, there it is!"

Of course at this time I just completely lost it! I so wished that Ken could have been there for this beautiful moment...but since he couldn't be, I left the doctor's office and drove straight to his work so I could show him and give him this miraculous news. Ken says...For those medical professionals who said we had lost our baby, let us introduce you to our God! He is the ultimate physician and prayer can change God's mind.

As for the fact that they thought we had miscarried, they believe that we were pregnant with 2 and miscarried one. But this little jelly bean is doing well right now, and I'm going to continue my prayers and give praise daily for this beautiful little miracle.

I want to thank everyone for all of your kind words, your support and the continued prayers.

Next appointment is scheduled for Feb. 10th at the RE, but my first OB appointment is Feb. 16th.

If I can give any advice to any woman out there who is TTC and might be losing hope (trust me, I've been there often)...God is always in control, He knows the desires of your hearts, and all you have to do is open your heart and life up to him. He can do great and wonderful things, even when the doctors don't see any "hope", there is always hope when you have your faith!
Nothing about this pregnancy has been typical or "to book", but all I know is who is in charge, and who has been taking care of this little one from the beginning. This little baby will always know of this beautiful miraculous start and will grow up in the Word and knowing what mommy and daddy believe.


Friday, January 21, 2011

The Rise and Fall

Two weeks ago I would have never thought that my soon to come beta pregnancy test was going to come back positive...Surprise, it did. A little over a week ago I was at the highest peak of the mountain. I felt like no one could burst that bubble or cloud that I was riding on. I was nervous, since my levels started so low...but it was POSITIVE!
Then...two days later, my level had almost tripled and things were looking so great and I felt on top of the world. Matter of fact, we felt comfortable enough to share it with the parents AND with the world on Facebook...
Then, my 3rd Beta...MONDAY (only 5 days ago) levels had risen again; tripled even! We felt super and like we could breath a sigh of relief until our schedule first ultrasound that was going to be on Monday, the 31st. We just had to wait 2 weeks. You know...the dreaded 2 weeks.
Then the bottom falls out....
Tuesday morning I started bleeding....badly. Not to get into too much detail, it was just everywhere. I of course freaked out and called the RE. The nurse told me that it's perfectly normal and that it happens to about 90% of her patients. Ok...honestly, this didn't sit well with me. I mean come on, can you give me a little individual attention?
Anyway, I made the drive to the office and the bleeding just seemed heavier, constant...and with clots. No cramping, which I thought was a plus, and even the nurse said that having no cramping was a good sign. OK, now I am really freaking out and just losing it in the waiting room.
Finally I did get back with the doctor and they did an ultrasound. They noticed a small sac and something that looked like the second embryo implanted somewhere but didn't look just right. Dr. W (not my normal doctor) said that he couldn't really tell me what was causing the bleeding...if I was going to miscarry or anything really. They just told me to go home, relax and then return in the morning for a check on my beta levels.
By 4pm my bleeding had slowed down and by was gone. I still felt fine. I had seriously had no cramping or discomfort throughout all of this. But once again, I just had to wait. UGH, I'm so sick of WAITING.
Wednesday I went in for the blood work, and had to wait for that dreaded call. Then 1pm....the levels had dropped down to 446. Her exact words..."we are not optimistic at this time".
Needless to say...I lost it. I just couldn't understand and was completely devastated. I left work and went home and cried the rest of the day.
God bless my husband, who came home as soon as he could break away from work, and tells me that he just knows that all is going to be fine...that we still had a baby and that when I went back on Friday my levels were going to be back up and we were going to "stun" the doctor's office.
I ended up taking Thursday off, because honestly, I just couldn't face anyone. I just wanted to be alone. Me and God...we needed to have a knock down drag out fight! By the time that Ken got home, I was ready to get out of the house and get my mind off things. We went to dinner and to a movie. I chose the new movie Dilemma with Vince Vauhn and Kevin James...mainly cause I needed to have some laughs.
I drifted off to sleep with my husband saying the sweetest prayer for me for preparation for my next beta check. the office bright and early for the vampires to get more blood....and the call came a little after 10am...the levels are decreasing. They went down from 446 on Weds. to 332 this morning. My instructions are to stop all medications and come back in a week to check my levels and they will monitor until they are down to zero, which I can understand can take quite a while. UGH...more waiting.
So, I'm numb today. I'm heartbroken today. I'm angry today...yes with God, but mostly myself for feeling that way. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I feel like a fool. And most of all, I feel "empty".
In one week I went from being pregnant to not being pregnant. I have to come to terms with things and figure out how to tell those that we love...that we lost our baby. The thought of having to tell Ken's parents breaks my heart even more. They were so excited, and have been waiting for this for a long long time. Knowing that they will never really have that "excitement" again, even if we are successful at getting pregnant won't be the same.
So...this is where I am at today. I'm just numb. I need to find some peace with this, and I pray that the Lord gives me that...even though I'm truly angry with him right now. But because of the relationship I have with him...I know that he understands my heart and my feelings more than anyone.
My heart breaks for my husband too. God bless that man. He's been my strength through this the past few days. He has kept the hope alive, even when I already knew it was gone. I know that sometime soon it's really going to hit him that we "lost" our first baby. I just hope that he knows he doesn't always have to be that strong just for me.
So...will we try again? Of course we will, because I believe that God had a child or children that are meant for us. We have 5 embryos on ice right now that we can work with...As to when the time will be right...I just can't answer that now.
Thank you all for your thoughts, your prayers and your love. It is in all of you that I find my strength.


Sunday, January 16, 2011

And the results are in...

Well, now that we have shared our news with our close friends, family and loved ones...I am so thrilled to share this news with my online friends and fellow bloggers.


I have to say that when I got the results on Wednesday (1/12/11), I was super let me rewind a few days prior to that beautiful day.

Saturday (1/8/11)= 8dp5dt
I took a hpt this morning and it was negative. I was a little bummed, because at this point, most every woman who has had a 5dt gets a positive home result. J, my coworker who is a couple weeks ahead of me had her positive test at 7dp5dt. I also wasn't feeling anything...I MEAN NOTHING! I told myself not to lose hope; I mean it could still be a little too early to be detected, RIGHT?

Monday (1/10/11) and Tuesday (1/11/11) Ken and I were both home due to snow and ice here in NC. It was a nice break and time to spend with my sweetie. Tuesday morning I decided to test again, it was 11dp5dt after all, and just one day prior to my beta, so surely if it was positive, it would show up today.
I was pretty down for the rest of the day. I confessed to Ken that I had taken the test and the results and bless his heart, he said..."I still believe that it is positive, don't lose your faith!"
That afternoon I called and talked to the nurse regarding my appointment for my beta (pregnancy) results. I was kind of nervous about driving on the icy roads Wednesday morning and asked if I could come in either Tuesday afternoon or reschedule for Thursday. Since they were closing early, she pushed my test back one Thursday (1/13/11). I told her that I was sure the result would be negative and explained I had taken a test that morning that produced a BFN! I was even thinking of what our next steps would be...if we'd jump right in with another FET since we have 5 on ice, or would we take some time off.

Wednesday (1/12/11)=12dp5dt
We both went back to work today. At about 10am I called my nurse to see if I could come in for my beta this afternoon since the roads were clear...I arrived at REACH at 11am and gave my blood for what I was sure was going to result in a confirmation that we were not successful.

3pm --My phone rings...the nurse on the other line says, "Lynn, your test came back positive!", I said..."Say that again?"
She then confirms that I was in fact pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I was completely surprised at this result.
I asked her was my beta # was, and it was low...44.6, but it was positive!
Of course the first call I made was to my sweet husband and I'm sure he could barely understand me...I was crying like a fool, but the happiest of fools for sure.
My next few calls were to my daddy, my husbands cousin, Debi, who he is very close to and who has been praying for us all through this journey, and to two of my best friends back in Florida. Then it was back to work...however much work I could do.

Friday (1/14/11)=14dp5dt
Back in this morning for another beta test to make sure levels are rising accordingly.
The results....120!!! For those of you who are not sure what this all means, beta #'s (your HCG or pregnancy hormone) should double every 48-72 hours to be good and normal. My numbers almost TRIPLED in this time. My doubling time was about 34 very good.
This evening we went to the in-laws and shared the great news with them. They have waited a long time for this too. This will be the first grandchild on both sides. Below is a video of us telling Ken's parents.
I found a grand parents brag book photo album and put a photo of the digital pregnancy test in the first photo slot.

So, flash forward to today, Sunday (1/16/11)
Tomorrow I go back for my 3rd and final beta test to make sure the numbers are looking good, so we are praying for great numbers tomorrow. At that point they will schedule me for my 1st ultrasound which will probably be a week from tomorrow or so...

So, tomorrow, I plan on being back with some great news.
Oh, and again I apologize for waiting to update my blog, I just had to let the fam know the news before the rest of the world know.

The only other time that should happen is when it's time to let the world know what the sex of our "Peanut" is.

Until next time~

Friday, January 7, 2011

To test or not to test...that my friends, is the BIG question!

Well, here we are sitting at 7dp5dt. A week ago today I was having my beautiful little "twins" put back into me to care for and grow them nice and strong for the next 9 months...That is if they "stuck" like we all hope they did!
This week has gone by so slow, as every one that has ever been in this dreaded 2 week wait knows. AND, I still have 6 more days to wait (counting today) before I get to have that beta checked. So...I'm debating on whether to POAS or just stick it out. AND, if I do POAS, when should I start with those evil little things?
J, the girl here at work who is about 2 weeks ahead of me in this IVF thing tested and got her BFP on the evening of 7dp5dt...which would be like my "today". Of course her first beta on 13dp5dt was already at 760! My beautiful husband doesn't think I should test yet, and I'm sure he would be fine if I just waited for my beta...but here's the thing. HE'S NOT POSSIBLY CARRYING A BABY OR TWO!
I think that guys are so much more capable of holding out for the 2 weeks than we are. Don't get me wrong, he is super excited about this whole thing, and can't wait to be a daddy too...but he just doesn't have the urge to know before the doctor tells us to know!
Sooo, to fill my mind the past couple of days with thoughts other than am I or am I not (and Lord, how can I handle the "not"), I've been thinking up a great surprise for my husband. I am planning an awesome weekend trip for the last weekend in April (and for fear that he will read my blog, I can't share the details with you yet), but I'm just so excited and my mind is focused on planning that (of course there is always that part of my mind that is geared to baby baby baby! LOL
I am doing my best to keep that positive outlook on the outcome of this and what we will find out on Wednesday, but you  know that I am just itching to take a test....Maybe tomorrow morning? Maybe not....


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

5dp5dt---Can I please feel "something"?

Well, just a week to go until my beta, and honestly...I thought I would feel something by now! I have twinges, ever so slightly, every now and then, but nothing like what I had expected. I'm just feeling really nothing, but some bloating and the feeling of constantly being hungry.
With the nightly PIO injections my bum has gotten tender, but still not as sore I as I had expected, and strangly enough...they just really are no big deal anymore. Ken has gotten so good at giving me my injection ever night that most of the time I don't even feel it. It's actually kind of weird that something that I was so incredibly nervous about doing has just become second nature to me.
Last night we had a visit from our dear friend Christa and her daughter and their new little puppy, Jack Frost! It was so cute to see Savannah and Jack together. I almost wish that I would have gotten some pictures...maybe for their next play date! Christa brought us some wonderful beef stew and rice and salad. It was so yummy. I have some of the best friends in the world! I pray that God blesses them daily and that they know how much they are loved.
As for whether or not I will POAS...I'm pretty sure I will start that obsession Saturday morning. I had hoped I could hold out until at least Wednesday morning before my beta test....but let's be honest, I just can't wait for some kind of it good or bad. Let's just pray it is GOOD!

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Well, it's a new year and what a way for me to start off 2011!
Two days ago I made a huge change in my life...I put 2 beautiful little beans into my long awaiting uterus. Two beautiful AA blasts that grew from our zygotes that were frozen back on November 11th, one day after my Egg Retrieval. Looking back now, I am very ashamed that I had my doubts that any of those zygotes were going to grow to be a beautiful AA blast. I am ashamed that I questioned the hand of God, who I know has had his hand in this from day one. Not only did we have 2 beautiful AA's from the zygotes, we had 2 more frozen on Friday and one more yesterday. That makes 5 blasts that we have on ice, if we should happen to need them...of course we are praying that we won't need them, but it's nice to know they are there if we needed them.

Today, Sunday, marks the 2nd day of being PUPO! Ken has been keeping me in bed and taking such good care of me. Thanks to the generosity of some of our dear Christian brother's and sisters we have had meals delivered every single day, and enjoyed them so very much!

I will be back a work tomorrow, and have until the 12th before my beta test/results...but I'm pretty sure that my POAS obsession will start around Friday or Saturday of next week.

But, in th mean time...I just keep looking at the photo of our beautiful little "twins"