Friday, June 27, 2014

Let it go

Don’t worry, I’m not about to break out singing that ridiculously annoying song from the Disney film Frozen although it seems like everyone and their brother (sister) feel the need to share their version of the song with the world these days. Hmm, come to think about it that’s probably why I think the song is so annoying to begin with.

No, I mean…LET IT GO! There comes a time when you think that you have let things go with this whole fertility journey. What do I mean? Well, with each passing cycle you tell yourself “I’m just going to let go and let what will be, be” then as the days roll around and you know you should be getting close to that whole be “O” day you let the stress sink in. Or throughout the entire TWW you are killing yourself wondering “am I or aren’t I? Should I POAS or wait another day?” And we all know how every little twinge, cramp, trip to the restroom, hint of nausea and so on just makes it all the more agonizing. What about those first cycles after you have had a miscarriage? You think that you have turned it all over to God, who in his wonderful grace will answer all your prayers, until you realize you haven’t let it go at all! When do you realize this…when that times comes when you truly let it go. That is your “ah-ha” moment!

I like many other women (and men) who have been trying to conceive have always told myself that I have put my trust in God and that I have turned things over to him and “let go.” Each time I truly believed that I had done this, but not until recently did I really just let it all go and realized that I never really done this before. I feel so different now and it is almost liberating.

After our last miscarriage this past February I felt that I had completely been beaten. Infertility had come in like a vengeance and just knocked me down till there was nothing left of me emotionally. Not only did I feel I was just done, I could see that there was a change in my husband. His belief and hope was now shattered, and quite frankly that just made me more upset. He had always been my rock and my strength through each failed attempt and each pregnancy loss and now he was different. It’s no lie, going through what we did changes you. It makes you hollow and bitter and empty, period. There is just no way around that…it’s going to happen whether you try to avoid it or not. It comes knocking and you can’t ignore it.

When I met with my doctor for our consult after the loss, we discussed options but I just wasn’t feeling that I wanted to go on. Well, I was but I just wasn’t ready to just jump right back in. I needed to let things soak in and do some seeking within myself to see if I had anything left in me. Not having answers as to why these miscarriages keep happening only makes things worse for me. It certainly doesn’t build up the hope that it will ever be successful and it definitely doesn’t help me feel good about myself. However, we decided that we wanted to still try and honestly, that was God. When I thought I was done, he stepped in and changed my mind. So, we made the plan to take a few steps backward and try about 3 rounds of IUI. Again, I wanted to try again but I just wasn’t ready to jump into another IVF round. It’s just too taxing on the emotions and the wallet.

On June 19th I started a cycle (of course brought on by Provera) and on the 20th I had labs and a baseline ultrasound done in preparation of IUI#4 (IUI#1 post IVF). While in the exam room waiting for that ultrasound, I remembered the last time I was there. That was when my hubby and I waited patiently to see our little jellybean on the ultrasound screen only to find out that once again, we had lost our baby. This time wasn’t as hard as the times before, thanks to the grace of God, and that’s when I just said a little prayer and just left it all in that room once the ultrasound was over. I made a promise that day to myself that I am not going to let this struggle consume me and that I had to let God be in control; not as a co-pilot but as the ONLY pilot.

That afternoon when the nurse called, it just so happened that I wasn’t around to answer the phone to get my instructions but she left them on my voicemail “levels were good, start your Femara tomorrow and we will see you back on June 30th”. When I told my husband about this I kind of laughed because any other time before I would have called right back and been obsessed on knowing what my levels were. Seriously! Just hearing that they are “good” would not have cut it with me. I always wanted to know numbers so that I could make notes and research the heck out of everything. Yes, I was a Google junkie. This time I just didn’t put any focus on it. It doesn’t matter. Now, if I would have just realized that years ago!

On June 21st I took my first dose of Femara (2 2.5mg tablets a day cd3-cd7) and on Monday I will go back for labs and another ultrasound to see how things are progressing. For the first time I am not taking any FSH drug to help boost my follicles and I have to be honest that this kind of bothered me a couple months ago when we first discussed this protocol, but honestly I am loving the fact that I am not loading my body up with drugs. It feels good to just be going along with the flow of things. I’m more focused on what I am putting into and on my body these days and oddly enough, it isn’t because of anything more than doing what feels right and making good decision. I’m not forcing anything and I love it. I’m not stressing on IF this is going to work because I’m not obsessed with it working or what I can do to make it work.

This has been a long, LONG journey for me with more than my share of shattered dreams, heartbreak, confusion and anger. I see so many women who after less than a year of no success they feel like their world has just fallen apart and they don’t know how much more they can take. Honestly, I want to just say to these girls, trust me…you will find the strength to keep going until you have your desire. Where do you find this strength…nowhere else but from God! PEROID! I know that not being able to conceive a child makes any woman feel like a failure. For years I have felt that I didn’t know if I could come to terms of not ever having a child of my own. I don’t know what the future holds for us but after all these years of TTC I’m finally at a place where I am ok if it is just me and hubby and our fur babies. By no means am I saying that I am done trying to have a child, but I’m just not going to let it consume me anymore.
God has given me that peace because I have let it go.