Friday, September 28, 2012

4 Years

Four years...that's how long I have been married to my dear sweet husband as of yesterday.

Four years we have been trying to conceive our own beautiful little baby but still we're empty handed.

For 2 years we have gone through heartbreak after heartbreak of BFN's, BFP's and miscarriages.

For 15 years I have been struggling with PCOS and on a journey to conceive and not sure if I will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel.

For the love of God, is it too much to ask to have a baby of our own?

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Talking into space

Sometimes I wonder if anyone really is there.
Last week there were quite a bit of views, even though not many comments, but today I see only 4 views of my last post, and I'm convinced that a couple of those were me anyway, when I was working on my layout adjustments. So today...I blog, but I am sure I am just talking into space. Is anyone there? Anybody?

It's Sunday, which means Football in our house. I did manage to get DH out a little bit earlier today. We just kind of goofed around checking out the new Whole Foods in the area (I love that store) and walking around one of the malls in the area. Eventually though, we made it back home without spending much money which is a good thing when you are putting money away to save for another FET. I did buy a few new lamp shades for our living room lamps, so that was a high light. Silly, I know but as much as I like to make decor changes around the home front, something little like lamp shades which are inexpensive but make a noticeable change make my day.

So now, with a big pot of Cabbage Soup on the stove (yes, I'm starting that diet tomorrow), and the sound of football in the distance I'm guessing my evening is going to consist of nothing super exciting.

Work tomorrow!

Monday, September 17, 2012

A New Step

Lately I have been thinking about my two little embies that have been frozen for what seems like an eternity. It's been over a year since my last transfer and almost a year since our miscarriage and I feel like I have almost been at a stand still. I'm hoping this is common place when going through something like IVF, infertility, embryo transfer, miscarriages, etc and that I am not the only one.
Part of my thinking has been whether to move forward with the clinic I have been going to or should I look elsewhere. I know that many bloggers don't want to mention who their clinic's are or their doctors and yet I don't mind at all . I know that when I have scoured the internet looking for others who have been on this journey, it is interesting to me to see exactly the difference between one clinic and/or doctor to another. So, for those of you who are curious that might come across my blog in YOUR research, I have been a patient at REACH here in Charlotte. It is a relatively large private practice and some day I might feel do a blog post strictly on my clinic, but for the purpose of this post, I will refrain from going though any more detail than that.
So, back to my recent thoughts. I feel that I am ready to revisit the options for us and transfering the last two snow babies we have. DH and I have been talking about our past experience with REACH, and I just was not left with a good feeling the last time I was in that office, October 5th, 2012. I feel like I was just a number to the clinic, and although we got pregnant with both transfers, we were not able to sustain the pregnancies for which my RE was not able to explain why.
Trust me, I know that with this struggle of infertility there is rarely any rhyme or reason and seldom answers to our questions, but I just felt that there should have been some changes to our protocol from one transfer to the next and definitely some more personal care and better bedside manner.
So today, a new step...forward I hope. I called a new clinic this afternoon here in the Queens city and I was very impessed and intrigued with the lady I spoke to. I am not sure if she was a nurse, an office manager or maybe just a receptionist, but she took more time with me on my simple phone call today than I would have ever expected a clinic to take with someone who had never even stepped foot into their practice. One thing that intrigues me is that unlike my current clinic, they are NOT privately owned but are operated by the main hospital here. I think that would make a difference, a better difference.
Anyway, I definitely have something to think about. I think that it would be extremely beneficial to have one of their doctors review my file and have a consult. There are so many questions I would like to ask and to get a second opinion. The one big question right now is to know what the cost would be to transfer my embyos from one clinic to the other. Distance really isn't a problem because the are less than a mile away from each other. My concern would be any damage to them during the transition from one place to the other.
One funny note, I found out that the financial counselor I dealt with at my current clinic has since moved to this other practic. I just found that quite interesting.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Feeling Inspired~Thank you

When I came on tonight I wasn't really expecting any views from my "One Year Late" post, and then come to find three comments. To many that isn't much, but to really helped to make my day, and what a day it has been. I had to get up super early to take my sweet neighbors to the airport for their much needed vacation. I was up and out of bed at 4am and ready to go by 4:45! Surprisingly I woke up without any hesitation which is a big deal for me because I'm not a morning person. I was sitting at my desk at work by 6:30 this morning (my work day normally starts at 8:30).
As I sat in my office today at work my phone vibrates, and when I checked it I instantly had a smile on my face. My dad just learned how to text from his cell phone...

Dad: "I love you"
Me: "Aww, I love you too. You just made my day!"
Dad: "U always make mine"
Me: "You're the best."
Dad: "No, God's the best"
Me: "UR right, but ur a close second!"
Dad: "Blessings to u"

Yes, I am a true daddy's girl. He raised me for goodness sake, so we were pretty close. Just getting that text today let me know it was going to be a good day, no matter how tired I might be or the work load I might have. Then, to come onto my blog to find that some people actually read my post update and that they thought even more to comment.

Thank You!

So, you have inspired really keep up with my blog again and to share my story. Knowing that someone is interested, cares...even if just a handful, makes such a difference. I really do enjoy blogging and vlogging and am excited to share my trials, tribulations, experiences.

By the way, I see that there are some changes to blogspot so please bare with me as I get my layout and design the way I want it.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

One Year Later

My oh my it has been ages since my last blog post, as well as my last youtube vlog. I don't even know how many followers I still have. At this point, they have already probably given up on me, which I totally understand. With that being said I'm debating whether to start a whole new blog completely or just pick up again here. Decisions, decisions.

Things have been so crazy this year and I just haven't been able to put forth the effort to share any of my TTC story and blog or do video like I would hope. Honestly, I just haven't had anything to report on that front, and therefore no inspiration to write. Even after starting my FB TTC page, I just don't feel lead to post anything, even though I check in there regularly with the rest of this community from heartbreaks of BNF's and losses to elation with BFPs and births. I see God working, and know he is working...I just haven't felt it in my realm lately, and I don't like admitting that.

Looking back, a year ago I was in my TWW (two week wait) after my last FET (frozen embryo transfer). I remember being so cautious and so relaxed during that time. I prayed daily that God would answer our hearts desire and make us parents. We just couldn't believe that he would make us go through the heartbreak of another BFN or even worse, another miscarriage. By 6 days past transfer I was already getting BFPs on every HPT I took, and since we put back 3 blasts we felt pretty good that odds were in our favor this time. Then sadly, that pregnancy ended up with another miscarriage. We were left with that huge cloud over our heads and the big question...WHY?
Now, this year we had 2 failed adoption attempts and we haven't been back to the RE since October last year when we had our loss.
I am still holding out hope, but I won't is fading with every wacky cycle I have. Don't get me wrong, my faith is not fading in God, because I trust him. I'm just losing hope that I am ever going to be a mom.