Surviving Another Mothers Day

Another mother’s day has come and gone and once again my arms are empty. My wonderful DH presented me with two lovely cards first thing Sunday before stepping out for church and it just reminds me once again how much I truly love this man.
 
Card #1 was from our two fur babies Dixie and Savannah and it really made me smile. For now they are our only babies and you can bet that I treat them as such. I can’t imagine not having them in my life. On those days when I feel empty or sad or just totally lost they are there to let me know that they love me and that I mean something special to them.
 
Before I even opened up card #2 I already had my suspicions of what it was going to be but it still didn’t prepare me for the emotions that would flood as soon as I read it. This card was from our “angel baby”. My sweet husband is quick to reassure me that I am a mother, even when the rest of the world forgets that I am. Even though on days like this when I can’t hold or hug or play with our baby, I do have this beautiful “angel baby” who will be reunited with me once again. That thought is one I hold dear. It gives me hope and strength in times when I feel I have absolutely none!

 

 

Infertility and loss are not the only reasons why I try to avoid most mothers’ day celebrations. For much of my life I have had a sad lack of a relationship with my own mother. This is something that I struggled with for quite some time, but for probably the past 2 years I have just learned to let it go. It is not my fault that she has “forgotten” about me. It’s not my fault that she doesn’t reach out to know me or have a relationship with me. Matter of fact, if anything it is her loss that she doesn’t know the woman that I have become or what goes on in my life. It is a sad situation that we do not have a relationship, especially with the trials and heartache that I have had to endure in my own struggle to become a mom. I will say that I don’t let a mother’s day or her birthday go by where I don’t send her a card and give her a quick call to let her know I was thinking about her. I do often wonder though, why she ends our phone conversations with “I love you” because not once in my life have I ever felt her love and I just ask myself quietly… “do you?”

So, once again I have survived another mothers’ day. I avoided the actual church service where all moms are acknowledged, but I did attend Sunday school and hear all about it. I stayed off Facebook so I wouldn’t see all the posts about moms & being a new mom only to log on in the evening to see the first post from a family member announcing their pregnancy. But I survived and I’m ok, really. Of course I pray for a baby of our own and hope that next mother’s day I won’t feel like this, but right now I’m ok. God is working in my life and making me a stronger woman through all of this.

Another year older

Yesterday was my birthday and for the first time that I can remember I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate. Any 'normal' year I would be celebrating all month long, but given how this month has unfolded I am just not in a celebratory mood...and it SUCKS!

A month ago I was pregnant. We had planned on letting our immediate family know that we were expecting this weekend although my father already knew about our whole treatment and was eagerly anticipating his first grandchild...and for the third time I let him down. Matter of fact, I let everyone down and I hate that feeling.

A couple weekends ago DH and I decided that we needed to just get away. We got up early that Saturday morning and drove down to Myrtle Beach. It was the weekend before St Patrick's day so there was quite a few things going on in town and it is only about a 3 1/2 hour drive from our house. We just needed to get away to a place where no one knew what we ha just gone through and where we could have some laughs and not talk about anything related to our pregnancy, our loss and most importantly our infertility struggles. It was just for a night, but it was very much needed. We really enjoyed just being together and not having to deal with our sad reality.

That same weekend I started a new diet. The HCG diet. Now I did some research on this prior to starting and read that it could be beneficial for women with PCOS or insulin resistant. There is a lot of controversy over this diet because it is a very low calorie diet along with either HCG drops (over the counter) or injections (prescription). I first heard about this diet from my BFF who lives back in FL who had started this diet taking the Omni drops from Omnitrition. She was having some pretty good success with weightloss, so that's what started my research in this. Anyway to give you a little synopsis of this diet, the first two days are your loading days followed by the VLCD (very low calorie diet) of 500 calories per day. I won't bore you with the details because those who are intrigued can google HCG diet and find all kinds of information about it. Currently I have lost 11 pounds (as of this past Sunday when I weighed in).

Also in the past week I have been doing some research on PCOS and AMA (advanced maternal age) along with miscarriages and TTC and so on and so on. It seems like whenever I get knocked down by some infertility battle that I am fighting I go on this crazy spin with trying to find out anything and everything I can to try and beat this. Beat PCOS. Beat early miscarriage. Beat infertility...PERIOD! During some of my searching I came across some women speaking about Pregnitude. It seems like it is a relatively new product that many women had been given from their OB/Gyn's. Of course the chances of an RE recommending this product is most likely rare because it is a natural supplement and not one of those "prescription" medications. Also, if a woman has success with this product, they certainly aren't going to be spending the time and money on fertility treatments. Of course a lot of what I have read about this product is that it helps improve egg quality which would make it a great supplement to take even if you are preparing for an IUI or IVF cycle. Honestly, I was liking what I was reading, so I found the product on Amazon, eBay and even Walgreens.com which is where I ultimately purchased it from. Walgreens had the cheapest price and it ships for free. My thoughts are that if it can regulate my cycles and hopefully help my body to ovulate on it's own then it is well worth the price I paid for it ($35). I ordered it Friday night online and I received it yesterday (my own birthday present) and plan on starting it Saturday morning depending on what my beta level is tomorrow. That's right, another beta blood test tomorrow morning to hopefully see if my level has dropped to <5.

So, who knows...if I continue to lose some weight and this Pregnitude (me) and FertileAid (Ken) do what they claim they can do then maybe we can have our own little miracle this time next year. I still plan on having the RPL panel done along with the other testing that my doctor is ordering for me once my beta Hcg is down to under 5 and to be honest I am hoping that it might show something so that I have some direction should we get pregnant again. Of course I don't think I will be able to really accept and believe I'm pregnant until I am holding a happy and healthy baby in my arms.

It would be wonderful to have a surprise BFP. I don't know if we will have that kind of luck, but then again anything is possible right? It's a nice thought thinking of having that kind of miracle after all we have been through. I would love to be a Prenitude success story! So stay tuned...I'll keep you updated on how these new things are going and what we are doing to try on our own before we move on to another treatment which looks like it might be an IUI in June or July?

Our WTHeck Appointment

Yesterday was my follow up appointment with my RE regarding this last FET. Of course I went into this appointment with a laundry list of questions that I wanted to ask him. I knew from the get-go that I wouldn’t get all my answers, but I was hoping to come away with something…I just didn’t know exactly what that “something” was.

Unfortunately Ken wasn’t able to go with me. One of the many problems we have with him working for the jerk he works for who happens to be the owner of the company. (I could call him many things but I must be careful what I say). I could tell that my doctor was surprised that my husband wasn’t there for an appointment like this, and honestly I didn’t want him to dig too deep into wondering why he was absent. After all, I was kind of upset that Ken wasn’t there myself.

I walked into his office with my pad of paper and pen in hand, ready to make my notes. I wanted to utilize his time wisely and I didn’t want to miss anything. All I can say about that…it was a good plan and I had good intentions but I didn’t write down a single thing. Sad, I know.

Anyway, my first question of course… “What do you think happened?” This was the big question that I hoped to get an answer for…sadly, he couldn’t answer this. He reiterated that the fibroid surgery was a necessity due to the size and location of the fibroid. I of course agreed completely. His next statement was that he highly suggested that I have PGS (pre-genetic screening) done on any embryos we have should we elect to do another round of IVF. I have more to say about this a little later!

I asked about having a RPL (repeat pregnancy loss) panel done along with any and all other testing that could possibly shed some light. This includes auto immune testing, leukocyte testing, genetic testing on both Ken and me, etc. I knew that my old clinic did an RPL panel of testing on me after our first FET because of my age and the way that whole thing played. That testing was done back in early 2011 and although nothing showed up in those labs, I am not 100% confident that testing was done properly or that they even did ALL the necessary testing. After all, we are talking about the clinic that killed six of our eggs right off the bat with inseminating them TWICE! If you couldn’t tell, I am still pretty upset over that situation!

Doctor M agreed that we should have a bunch of labs done and he listing several of the tests, but honestly I just couldn’t keep up with everything he mentioned. I plan on getting in touch with my nurse to see if she can email me this list so that I can do some further checking on what he plans to test for and to make additional requests if I feel something is missing from that list.

My next question started the discussion of where we go from here and what would be different should we do another attempt at a full IVF cycle. I asked him if he thought that the high dosage of stimulant drugs I was given from the other clinic in preparation for my egg retrieval could have caused the quality of my eggs to be diminished. After all, I was on such a high dose that they retrieved 33 eggs from me. I remember everyone at the clinic that day “bragging” about how many eggs I had because they hadn’t ever gotten that many before. Of course at the time, I thought… “yay, we have a lot to work with!” But now, all I can think of in my simple un-medically educated mind is that it was all about quantity and not quality with them. The more eggs the lower the quality. I wasn’t sure how my doctor would answer this question, but he agreed with me that being on the high dosage of stimulants has been shown to lower the quality of the eggs. He then went on to say that I would be on a much lower dose and that I would trigger with Lupron instead of Ovidrel because it lowers the chances of OHSS. Thankfully I didn’t get OHSS when I did my egg retrieval back in 2010, but that was always a fear because of being a woman with PCOS. He also said that ideally he would like to see me have somewhere around 6-10 eggs at retrieval, and of course mentioned the PGS testing again. Still more to be said about this!

After discussing what kind of protocol and what would be different in our next attempt, I felt that we were at a place in our discussion for me to ask my next question… “Would it be silly for us to take a step back and try 2-3 rounds of IUI before trying another IVF?” Yes, you read that right. I asked that question because I felt like this was an opportunity for us to be “trying” to conceive while deciding if we wanted to go through the full blown IVF thing again. I was actually surprised when he said that he thought it was a good idea and he would happily do whatever it takes to get us our baby. He then joked about how awesome it would be if we got pregnant through IUI after all we had gone through. He mentioned that even though I had 3 prior IUI’s at the other clinic, every protocol is different, that it was over 3 years ago and that we had the fibroid removed since then as well.

During the entire discussion about the IUI option and different protocols I asked him if he could recommend any type of supplements for me for egg quality, etc as well as anything that Ken could take to help with count and motility. Seriously, anything we can do to boost our chances I am definitely willing to look into or do. After talking about this with Ken, I feel he is on the same page with that. Anyway, I specifically mentioned something like FertilAid for Men. Anyone who has been on the TTC train for any amount of time has read about this supplement. I have always been curious after reading a ton of reviews on this stuff, but never really asked a specialist about it. He really didn’t have an opinion one way or the other and really didn’t think Ken needed any supplement help. I was kind of surprised by this actually. So, I have decided that I am going to invest in a bottle of the FertilAid for Men and have Ken take those for a few months. It certainly can’t hurt and it might even help our odds if it does what it says it does.

So, here we are. We have had 3 FET’s using 7 high quality embryos. We have gotten pregnant all three times, but we have never had a successful end to these pregnancies. How do we fix this? Is it going to take donor eggs or embryos or even donor sperm? I had this question on my list, but I was afraid to bring it up. I didn’t really want to think about that right now. Not that I am opposed to it, I just am not ready to go that route right now. I actually expected my doctor to mention this option to us, but when it wasn’t brought up by him, I just skipped over that question on my sheet. After all, if he didn’t feel the need to discuss it then I didn’t feel the need.

As you can probably tell, this appointment was more about “what direction we take” as opposed to “what the hell happened”. And as I mentioned, the topic of PGS (Pre-Genetic Screening also the same as PGD) came up a few times during our appointment. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this and I will tell you a few reasons why. First and foremost I feel that this is taking the science of IVF a little too far and almost playing the role of God. I mean to take an embryo and test a few cells to check some of the chromosome make up to determine if it is “normal” or abnormal kind of freaks me out a little. I feel that God doesn’t make mistakes and it’s not my job to choose between one embryo or the other and let’s face it, sometimes those tests aren’t 100% conclusive. Secondly, I know of several instances where women have had “genetically normal, PGS/PGD tested embryos put back and either NOT get pregnant or have an early loss as well. So, you spend the money and you do this test and yet it still fails. Which brings me to my third point regarding this pre-genetic screening… let’s say that we do this testing on our embryos and we transfer what they consider to be “perfectly normal” embryos that should result in a pregnancy and be right where we are now. It’s bad enough to know that your body isn’t letting you carry your baby to term (trust me, I’ve been there 3 times already), but I think that if I knew that the embryos themselves were perfect and yet it didn’t result in a take home baby it would be 100 times harder for me to deal with the emotions of that.

So, I of course mentioned these thoughts and feelings to Dr. M and explained to him exactly how I felt. His response kind of triggered something that made me want to research this a little more. He kind of flipped the coin on me and said, “ok, let’s just say that all the labs and testing we do on you and your husband come back clear and tell us absolutely nothing as to why this keeps happening to you. Then we do another IVF and FET and transfer two embryos that “look” perfect but we didn’t screen them, so we don’t know anything about them. And then you get that call you have gotten over and over again that you are pregnant, only to know in 4 weeks or so that you are losing the pregnancy. We would be right where we are now. Don’t you want answers? Wouldn’t you like to have some assurance that the embryos you are getting transferred have the best chance at a full term pregnancy?” Ugh…he just had to go there. But honestly, I’m glad that he laid it out like that. I told him that I would be thinking more about this option and Ken and I would discuss it closer to when time comes. But, I also told him that I really wanted to wait until all our labs were done and see if those showed anything that we were not aware of.

So, in conclusion I guess our first step will be to have the RPL panel done along with all the other tests that he believes we should get done. We do have to wait until my beta is down to 0 or below 5 before this can be done. Yesterday my level was still at 17 which seemed higher than I expected. The week before it was at 25, so it is dropping very slow. Dr. M mentioned that when the levels are falling they can kind of take their sweet time to get to 0.

In the meantime we are just going to take some time to ourselves and enjoy each other again. I will continue to do acupuncture and I started a new diet this past Saturday. As of today I have already lost 4 pounds! YAY. I want to focus on myself and not baby things for a little while. I will be ordering Ken some of the supplements and we can try for a natural miracle over the next few months. I might be attempting an IUI in June or July, but I don’t really want to rush into that decision now.

Here we are again!

Here we are again!

When I last posted, it was just a few days prior to our cruise and I shared the fact that I had caved and taken an HPT and gotten a BFP. On Friday Feb 7th (just two days before we sailed away on our cruise) my nurse asked me to come in for a beta since I had gotten a couple of positive home pregnancy tests. That beta came back at 97 at 10dp5dt. We were excited, but of course cautiously optimistic. Remember, we have been here before and sadly those pregnancies ended early on.

We spent 7 glorious days aboard the Freedom of the Seas (Royal Caribbean) sailing to the eastern Caribbean to islands like St. Thomas and St. Maarten. This time we took our dear friends, Wayne and Debbie and this was their first cruise ever! We had some great times and some laughs together, and most importantly we got to relax.

Unlike the other cruises I have been on, I was extra careful because of my “condition”. I took the elevator everywhere even if just going up or down one level. I just didn’t want to come this far and do something silly to cause any issues. I made sure to rest every afternoon for a couple hours. This part wasn’t hard at all because I was so exhausted by mid-day and really needed that down time. I think Ken enjoyed that downtime as well. I even took special care to not drink anything caffeinated (sodas/teas) and didn’t eat lunch meat or seafood as I am well aware of those risks as well.

On our last night, I was getting ready for the show and dinner and noticed a tiny bit of “old blood” when I went to the restroom. Nothing heavy and nothing that I was really concerned about. After dinner though, when I went to the restroom there was some more blood when I wiped and this was more pink than brown. I let Ken know and we made the night short and went back to our cabin to bed. By 6am the next morning (debarkation day) the blood had completely stopped and there was NOTHING! There had hardly been anything to begin with, but now there was nothing and I felt so relieved.

During the long drive home from Port Canaveral to South Carolina we stopped often so I could use the restroom and every time I checked with caution and thankfully it seemed like the bleeding had stopped and my only conclusion was that it was just some irritation from the Crinone (vaginal progesterone). I felt fine, felt pregnant (symptom wise) and was sure all was going to be ok.

The next day, Monday Feb 17th I went in for another beta draw and that level came back at 730 (20dp5dt). It was up, but it should have been much higher. The doubling rate was over 82 hours. I knew that this couldn’t be a good sign. I thought about it and called the nurse back and asked to have the doctor call me. Shockingly my nurse was “ok” with these numbers and didn’t think I needed to come back until my ultrasound, but I just knew I needed to double check that level to make sure that it was in fact going up and not coming down.

The next day the doctor called me and understood my concerns given my history. He asked that I come back in the next day (22dpt) to have a follow up beta test. When the doctor called back with my numbers, I just knew it couldn’t be good and I was right. Those numbers came back at somewhere around 450. I just knew it was over. I’ve been here before, and with numbers falling like that I know that this is not going to have the outcome we had been praying for. After talking with the doctor, he asked that I stay on all my medications and come back on Friday (24dpt) for another check. He mentioned the possibility of a vanishing twin and gave me some hope…but I wasn’t so sure that things were going to be good. Friday’s beta was down to 273 (24dp5dt).

At this point I was ready to just throw in the towel. I knew that I felt the end was coming and that once again we were going to suffer another heartbreak. I was really surprised when the doctor asked that I stay on all meds and come in on Monday for an ultrasound. Maybe he was just trying to give me hope. Maybe he actually believed that everything was going to work out for us. Maybe he was just humoring me. I don’t know, but I trusted him. I still trust him. So I took his advice and stayed on all my meds. We would wait to see what Monday would bring and what an ultrasound would show.

On February 24th (6w4d) I went in for my ultrasound…

On the way to the clinic I prayed as hard as I can remember ever praying. I asked God for his will. I asked that if this wasn’t going to end the way we had hoped that he would protect my heart and my soul from the pain that would come. I told him I was “ok” with whatever shall be, but I also prayed that he would follow me into that ultrasound room and show off in a big and mighty way.

The ultrasound tech started and in came my doctor. The technician started by checking my ovaries and tubes. I’m sure that the first concern was that this could possibly be an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully…all was clear there. She then made her way down to my uterus and there was something…but I wasn’t sure what it was. My doctor and the tech took a good hard look and I remember turning to look at my doctor’s face to try and gauge his expressions. There was a smile…but what does that mean? Turns out, it was a gestational sac and fetal pole. No heartbeat was detected, but my doctor was not concerned by that and reassured me that it could just be too early for it to be heard or seen.

I was amazed, and gave glory to God for what we had just witnessed, but I knew that we were not in the clear just yet. I asked the doctor flat out what his thoughts/opinions were on this. His words put me at ease at the moment… “You’re pregnant! You have the makings of a viable pregnancy.” I can hear those words now as though they were just being said to me. No beta was checked that day, as the doctor didn’t feel the need after seeing the ultrasound, and looking back now I probably should have requested it, but I too was ok with what we had seen on the ultrasound and I really didn’t want to be in that beta hell any longer. It just screws with my mind too much. I was just given the instructions to stay on my meds and come back the following week for another ultrasound, which was actually supposed to be my initial ultrasound to begin with. This time I was going to make sure to have Ken there. I didn’t want him to miss a beat.

That week went by pretty slow, at least looking back now it seems like it was slow. I just couldn’t wait to get back to the doctor’s office to get another ultrasound to see this little jelly bean I had in my tummy. I had an acupuncture session in the middle of the week and shared my updates with my acupuncturist. She felt my pulse and I remember her telling me, “you are pregnant.” Apparently pregnant women have a distinctive pulse and she felt this strong pulse and once again I had hope that this was really going to work for us. I just held onto the faith that I so desperately have struggled with throughout this IF journey.

When Monday rolled around, Ken met me at the doctor for our appointment. Looking back, I think in my heart I kind of knew what was about to happen, but I think at the time I thought it was the devil playing with my emotions and testing my faith. I tried so hard to hang onto my faith and believe that God was giving us our hearts desire.

Ultrasound time –NOTHING! My heart sank.

How could this be? How can something that was there last week not be there now? I don’t understand. I’m angry and I’m just sick and tired of having these heartbreaks over and over again and no one can tell me why this keeps happening!

I will say this, I know that I was led to come to this new clinic and that this doctor I am seeing is the right doctor for me. I truly believe that. His compassion for Ken and me during this loss/defeat is more than I could have ever expected and something that we both needed at the time. I don’t blame this doctor for our failed attempt. I don’t blame him for keeping me on medication when quite possibly any other doctor would have thrown in the towel. I actually praise him and appreciate the efforts he gave us and the faith he had for us even when my faith was far from where it should have been.

So where do we go from here? I have a laundry list of questions that I plan on asking him when I have that “What the heck” appointment next week. They are monitoring my beta to make sure it falls down to zero. This past Monday it was down to 25, so it is going the direction it is supposed to, even though it isn’t the direction I was hoping for.

At this point I just don’t know what our next move is. I am almost thinking that quite possibly this is an egg quality issue since the same thing keeps happening at roughly the same time. This is one of the many questions I will be asking the doctor next week.

As for how we are doing? Well, I keep telling those who ask me that I am doing ok. I guess I am doing ok, but I’m not where I should be, mentally. I am angry and hurt and confused and heartbroken. I feel at times that I am in this dark place or in the middle of a nightmare that I just cannot wake myself from. Really…how do women go through this time and time again? Surely I am not the only women who keep getting knocked down over and over again, but how much can one person take? How much can one couple take?

I do know one thing…when I told God that I was “ok” with whatever the outcome is with this…I was lying. I’m not ok with the fact that once again our hearts have been ripped out of our chest and stomped on.

We Interrupt this regularly scheduled FET...

So, Monday I went in for my Trial Transfer and hydrosonography. Trial Transfer went well, but something didn't look right on my ultrasound. Right there...slap on the side of my uterus, a 6cm fibroid! Wait...what? 6cm? Last time I had an ultrasound in that area (of course that was 2 years ago) it was only 3 cm. Yep, something that I wasn't expecting to get slapped in the face with, but here we are. The doctor says that he can almost guarantee that this is the culprit to our miscarriages and suggests that we have it removed before we move forward with our FET. It's hard to say how I am feeling, because I have a ton of emotions about this. I think my first emotion was anger when I heard that this stinking fibroid was probably the cause of our losses because I distinctly remember asking my prior RE if this would hinder our chances, to which he said "Many women have fibroids and this won't interfere with implantation!" Well, duh of course it didn't hinder implantation, but many studies prove that it does lead to pre-term labor, infertility AND miscarriages along with still births. Heck, this stinking thing should have been removed ages ago. I was also quite anxious and nervous about this news. The thought of a 6cm growth on my uterus that is going to requite surgery to remove? SURGERY? The only surgery I have ever had was having my tonsils and adenoids removed when I was a child. Although I was under anesthesia for my IVF Egg Retrieval I hardly call that surgery. Now, here I am facing the thought of being put under for what I have been told is a 3 hour procedure? I'm going to have little incisions on my tummy? And, although it is an outpatient surgery, I am going to have a rough week of recovery? Ugh...yes, to say I am a little scared would be an understatement. But I have to remember that God is in control. I think most importantly, the biggest emotion I am feeling now that I have a had a few days to let this sit and marinate with me is relief, understanding and that "ah-ha" moment. See, when you are told over and over again "We just don't know why you continue to have these miscarriages" it will about drive you insane. You know there has to be a reason, and yet no one seems to be able to give you that reason you are searching for. Now...thanks to Dr. M, I have an answer that I am ok with. One that truly makes sense to me without me pretending that it makes sense. I have once again the renewed faith that I am at the right place for us to be for this last shot at parenthood. This last shot with our two precious snow babies. And knowing that this doctor wants to be proactive and give me the best possible chance makes me more confident than ever that taking this break to get rid of this fibroid is worth putting our dream off just a few more months.

My 20 day cycle

Well, today is officially CD3. That means if you are keeping track, last cycle was only 20 days!!! I am not sure if things are trying to get back on track since last cycle was the first since the miscarriage in October, or if the Low Amylose Diet is helping to regulate. I am completely dumbfounded. I did do the Soy Isoflavones last cycle from CD5-CD9. I started progesterone cream on CD12 and have continued that this time even though AF has arrived. Today is 12 days on the cream and I am thinking I will finish up the cream either tonight or tomorrow night.
As for the Soy, I haven't decided if I will do that this cycle or not, but I am convinced that the new low amylose way of living is really helping matters as well.

I have slacked on  vlogging with all the interviews I have been on, and the confusion with the cycles. I hope to get a vlog done tonight. Keeping fingers crossed.

On a high note, after 16 months of being out of work, I start a new job next Monday! I am so thankful for this wonderful blessing. It will help in more ways that I can even mention, but two of the most important ways it will help is 1) Taking the stress off my DH of being the only bread winner around here. 2) Having extra $$ to put away to doing another transfer with our two remaining embies (that is if we don't have a miracle natural bfp).

CD11 update

Here we are at CD11. I'm super stoked that tomorrow I can start again with the progesterone cream. I plan on doing that from CD12-CD25 (total of 14 days). Hopefully it will help to get these silly cycles regulated. Surely with the cream, the low amylose diet and some exercise thrown it...the cycles are bound to regulate, right?

I did a CD10 vlog update yesterday, but I am still having issues with getting it uploaded onto Youtube. I haven't given up quite yet, but I am sure not going to wait until CD14 until I get the CD10 vlog uploaded. Haha.

Anyway, just in case I don't get it uploaded, here is a little recap of it.
I have done tons and tons of vlog watching, blog reading, FB page research (from fellow PCOS and TTC ladies) and heard a lot about Soy Isoflavones as a natural Clomid supplement. According to my research, every 200mg is equal to 100mg of Clomid. One woman in particular on youtube took these for one cycle and got her BFP!! So, I thought...what the heck, what could it hurt to try these.

I got this bottle from walmart for just over $6 for 60 pills. Since they are 40mg, I took 5 pills a day from CD5-CD9. I am not holding out too much hope, only because clomid never worked for me in the past, but then again that has been over 10 years ago. I will say that I had noticed some twinges and cramps in the ovary region for the past 3 days or so.

I'm pretty impressed with the results of the LA diet so far. 4 pounds down in a week. It is actually pretty easy to follow. I'm not going to lie, I do miss having potatoes and bread, but the lack of sugar intake hasn't really bothered me much. I have been able to have fruit smoothies just about every morning and some really good sugar free substitutes for my sweet tooth, like sugar free puddings and jell-o.

Not the Thanksgiving I was hoping for

It's Thanksgiving, and between you and me, I must admit that it wasn't the Thanksgiving I was hoping for.
In January I was excited about the thought that we were going to have a new addition at the table this year. Of course, that was when I had just recently gone through my first attempt at IVF and had confirmation of pregnancy. Sadly, as you know, we miscarried in late January and early February. Yep, pregnant with twins and lost them both early in the pregnancy. After healing and coping with the heartbreak of having to go through that, we picked up the pieces, saved up some money and tried once again with a second FET in September.
Everything then seemed to be so right. Seemed to be like things were working the way they should We even had the transfer on Ken's birthday! Signs were everywhere, and we layed it all that the feet of the cross and trusted the Lord that we would not have another heartbreak. Again, we were pregnant (most likely with twins due to the high beta levels). I was so excited. Guarded emotionally due to the last experience with this, but just so full of hope and faith that we were going to have the baby we had waited so long for and prayed so hard for all these years.
We had already booked our cruise and timing again was perfect for the trip. I would just be into my second trimester and feel comfortable about going on a trip, especially a cruise. We had planned on sharing the news of our pregnancy today, at Thanksgiving, with family. Today I would have been 14 weeks today.

Instead...we were not able to celebrate that today.

BUT, we did have a great Thanksgiving meal and fellowship with my husband's family.

Despite the sorrows of this year, we still have a lot to be thankful for. Maybe, with the grace of God, we will have a different kind of Thanksgiving next year.

NOW, we get to head to Florida and get on a cruise ship for a week.

BFP....for a couple weeks anway

Well, I know it has been a while since I have updated, so I finally feel like I should update and just get it over with.

Last time I posted, I was only 2 days past my transfer. So...here is where it went from there.
I caved and POAS 6dpt and got a positive. This was evening urine, so I was pretty hopeful. Two days later, 8dpt I tried testing with FMU and stronger positive...then again two days after that at 10dp5dt and once again positive. I went in for my first beta test at 10p5dt and my number was....

294

I was over the moon when the nurse called. She didn't give me my progesterone or estrogen level, but said everything looked good. Since it was Friday, I was to come back on Monday, 13dpt to have a follow up beta checked. This was actually suppose to be the day of my first bloodwork, but since I had already gotten a positive hpt, they had me come in early.
On Monday, Sept. 19th I went back in and my second beta...

862

I was feeling even better once I got this call and noticed that my doubling rate was about 46 hours! I really started to feel like this was going to be it. That maybe of the three that we put back, that two actually stuck this time and we were going to get those twins that both Ken and I had dreamed about a lot.

The following Saturday we went to Lancaster to be with my inlaws, like we always are on the weekends. While there, I took myself a little nap (since about 6dpt I was always needing to take a nap mid-day because I was so tired). I woke up about an hour later and went to the restroom....blood in my panties and on the tissue. To say I freaked is an understatement. My mind just rushed back to where we were back in January when I started to bleed just a few days after my third beta. I came out of the restroom stonefaced...and Ken knew something was wrong. I told him with tears on the verge of coming...

We have not told my inlaws anything about being pregnant, but while there we decided to let them know since it was obvious I was upset and we needed to cut our visit short to go home and lay down. Of course they didn't get too excited, given the fact that last time we told them, it was only about a week later that we had to tell them of the miscarriage.

Thankfully about an hour after getting home the bleeding had stopped and it was never really heavy with clots or anything. However, over the next couple of weeks there was some slight spotting...just on tissue when going to the restroom....so I still thought that things were going to be ok. After all, it was NOTHING like it was last time, so I thought that I was just going to be one of those women that has some bleeding during pregnancy. If all was going to be ok, I would deal with the bleeding, even though it peaked my concern.

Last Saturday I took a hpt in the evening, just wanting to see that second line and put my mind at ease...but that second like was so faint. I just knew it was over for us. I came out of the bathroom and showed Ken and told him that it was over... Bless his heart, he just told me that it had to be a faulty test, that he still believed all was ok. And honestly...even though I felt different (in a bad way), I thought that he was right. I mean with HCG levels as high as mine were, there would have at least still been a good amount in there to show a stronger positive...RIGHT?

This past Weds, Oct 5th...Ken and I went in for our first ultrasound. We would have been 6w6d.
The doctor came in....started the ultrasound....

NOTHING!

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING VISIBLE IN THE UTERUS!

NO GESTATIONAL SAC....AND NO HEARTBEAT!

We both just lost it. We couldn't hardly believe that there was NOTHING there!
I mean, I feel like I somehow knew it was over a few days before...but I just still held onto my faith and my hope that there would be one little bean in there. I just couldn't believe that the Lord would bring us this far to break our hearts again. I couldn't believe that we could have such high beta numbers, with perfect doubling, and all the early pregnancy symptoms I had this time that I didn't have last time...just to crush our dreams and break our hearts yet again.

That night we went to dinner and called my dad to let him know the news....

The next morning when I woke up, my dad was sitting in my living room!

My dad dropped everything he had going on in Florida, and an hour after he got the call about the sad news, he was on the road driving here to North Carolina to be with me.
What girl needs a mom when she has an awesome dad like that? I'm such a daddy's girl!

He came to keep me busy so I wasn't alone, since Ken just couldn't take any time off of work. Dad didn't want me sitting around the house. We went to a movie (Dolphin Tale)...it was a great movie, but I of course cried throughout the whole thing, even at things that weren't so sad!

So, here we are, just 2 days since getting the news. How am I doing? How do you think I'm doing?
Last night was the roughest night so far. I got so upset while we were lying in bed and it was quiet. I started to hyper-ventilate and was having weird breathing patterns. I think that Ken was a little scared and worried about me. He kept me up for a little while just to make sure that I was ok. God I love this man...he is really my rock.

So, where do we go from here? Looks like we are done with the infertility stuff. Although we still have two embies still on ice, I just can't imagine going through this yet again, and we realistically don't have the funds just lying around to spend on another crap shoot. I just feel so defeated by this whole thing. Of course we don't have to make the ultimate decision right now, but soon we will have to decide what to do with the embryos...either pay for more storage or donate/discard them.

Because I am taking a break and possibly done with the TTC journey...this blog will be closed. For those of you who follow me, I will be restarting my "life journey" blog if you would like to follow me there. I will post the link to that within a week!

Thanks for all of your encouraging words and prayers.

Where have I been?

What a good question!
I wish I could honestly answer it too.
I have had my days of pity party and then days where I am focused on things, and then I have days where I feel like I have been walking around in a haze.

I'm 35...and still motherless. No AF since the miscarriage of my second twin, so I'm wondering....WHY? I have always had issues with being irregular (the joys of PCOS), but...seriously? I thought for sure that I would have one major flow from the red seas so to speak, but NADA.

As the Memorial Day weekend approaches, I can hardly really focus on the joys this weekend normally brings with cook-outs, family fun time, and lasting memories without looking back on the thoughts that I should be pregnant right now...22 weeks pregnant, to be exact. UGH, will it ever happen?

Lord, I know you don't give us more than we can handle, but today it amazes me that you trust me so much! This journey is so incredibly hard, but if it's the journey I'm meant to travel, I will do it. My prayer is that is draws me closer to you!

Tomorrow's my birthday and I hear Vacation Calling...

One year older and I'm so ready for this vacation!
I can hear the waves crashing and the sound of the horn from the cruise ship as we set sail to the Eastern Caribbean. In less than 24 hours I should be relaxing pool side on the beautiful Carnival Dream as we set sail on a much needed get-away!

I can't think of a better way to celebrate a birthday, however it is pretty bittersweet to me. I should be pregnant right now. Of course I always thought that by the age of 35 I would be a mom of two.

God has a plan, and I'm doing my best to put my faith back into that. I'm trying to see the future and what it has in store for me. A friend of mine tells me often that "Man plans; God laughs".

BUT, for the next week there is going to be no sadness, no talk of what has happened the past few months and no tears! We will be having a much needed time to ourselves with no distractions, no work and just loads of laughs, smiles and many new memories.
Everything is packed, the car is loaded, now I just have to wait for my wonderful DH to get off work and come get me so we can hit the road.
With good luck we should be at dad's by 11pm tonight (fingers crossed) and get some rest before we get up and head to Port Canaveral.

So, I wish I could take you all with me, but I will be sharing photos and video when I return.

Healing and Dealing

I know it's been a few weeks since I have posted, and well...due to the heartbreak I was going through, I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it, let along BLOG about it.
Since my post, we have moved and have started to get somewhat settled in our new "home". Call me crazy, but although there were a lot of good memories in our old house, the most recent one's were very sad and upsetting and they overtook the good memories. Hopefully we will build happy and loving memories in our new place. I remembered how much I HATE moving, but I'm so thankful that it came at this juncture, because it kept my mind busy on the tasks that needed to be done to prepare the house for our tenants and getting everything moved into our new "home". Don't get me wrong, there were several times during the quietest times in the night when I would think about what happened, and question my faith and my God, and why he would do this to us...why he would give us something that we had longed and prayed for...yet just take it away...TWICE! Even today, I can say..."well, I would have been 11 weeks" and the thought makes me sad.

The good thing about this is that I truly believe that this has brought me and my dear husband closer together...even though I thought that was not possible. I have seen him hurt through this too. I've seen that sadness in his eyes if I think out loud about where we should have been, and where we are now. Sometimes as women on this horribly unfair TTC journey, it's hard to really remember that our husbands are going through this with us, and they are having all of the emotions that we are having as well. And for me, I have been down this road for over 14 years...where my husband has only been on it for about a year (we have only seriously been TTC the past year).

Another good thing is that we have scheduled a cruise vacation, and we are sailing out on my birthday this year...March 26th! We so desperately needed a vacation, and since we both LOVE cruising...we just knew that this was the best "get-away" for both of us. We need time to just be alone and love each other again.
Not that we don't love each other now! But you know that sometimes you just need that time to not deal with the bad, the sad and the ugly!

As for trying again...our plan is to start to prepare for another transfer once we get back from our cruise.
Right now I am still being monitored until my HCG has gone down to 0, zero. Last week it was down to 16, and hopefully tomorrow the level will be zero so that I don't have to think about this any more. I don't know if it's just me, but having to continue to be monitored, and still having that pregnancy hormone just adds salt to the wounds.

We have also decided that as far as letting our family and loved one's know of our plans to go through this again, we will keep this between us...and of course my blog readers! :)
We love their support and their prayers, but we just can't go through this again with having the excitement of telling them, and then having to tell them the saddest news ever. I don't even think that I will be able to get excited at the thought of a positive pregnancy test again. So...that being said, I think we will not share the news until we are about 12 weeks along. I just hope that someday we can share that news.

So, I guess that's it for now for an update. I'm going to try to get better at the updates, especially since I'm not currently working.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and love~

So much for that...

It has been a bit since I have done any type of blog update, but I found about 2 minutes in my day today and felt the need to do since...well things have changed!
We went in to the RE Thursday past for a follow up ultrasound to make sure that everything was ok.
Wednesday night (the night before), I started to have some light bleeding. Honestly...I wasn't alarmed. I mean it was nothing like the first time, and that entire week before I heard the heartbeat, I had what seemed like an actual period, so...I felt pretty confident that all was ok. There was no cramping and no discomfort, so I just stopped all the packing (we are in the process of moving) and spent the rest of the evening in bed.
Ken and I were there in the exam room with great anticipation for him to hear and see the little jelly bean...and then there it was....SILENCE!
The doctor said those haunting words, "the heartbeat is gone". And just like that, my world came crashing down...AGAIN!!
God, I just don't understand how this has happened AGAIN!
So, we have lost the second baby, and my heart is broken far beyond repair at this time.
I'm thankful that we are busy moving, so it keeps my mind distracted...for the most part. BUT, in the silence of the night, in the car stopped at a red light. While I am in the shower. When the world seems to be so still to me...I can hear my heart breaking again.

I know this is a short update, but I'm still not really able to just blog out about this roller coaster ride. I will, I know I will, but just not today.