Tuesday, February 15, 2011

So much for that...

It has been a bit since I have done any type of blog update, but I found about 2 minutes in my day today and felt the need to do since...well things have changed!
We went in to the RE Thursday past for a follow up ultrasound to make sure that everything was ok.
Wednesday night (the night before), I started to have some light bleeding. Honestly...I wasn't alarmed. I mean it was nothing like the first time, and that entire week before I heard the heartbeat, I had what seemed like an actual period, so...I felt pretty confident that all was ok. There was no cramping and no discomfort, so I just stopped all the packing (we are in the process of moving) and spent the rest of the evening in bed.
Ken and I were there in the exam room with great anticipation for him to hear and see the little jelly bean...and then there it was....SILENCE!
The doctor said those haunting words, "the heartbeat is gone". And just like that, my world came crashing down...AGAIN!!
God, I just don't understand how this has happened AGAIN!
So, we have lost the second baby, and my heart is broken far beyond repair at this time.
I'm thankful that we are busy moving, so it keeps my mind distracted...for the most part. BUT, in the silence of the night, in the car stopped at a red light. While I am in the shower. When the world seems to be so still to me...I can hear my heart breaking again.

I know this is a short update, but I'm still not really able to just blog out about this roller coaster ride. I will, I know I will, but just not today.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Things Are Changing at 7 weeks

Right now, our little jelly bean is the size of a blueberry! What a sweet little blueberry, indeed.

Wow...I'm just starting my 7th week of pregnancy today, and let me say that I'm amazed at the changes going on in my body already. I can tell you that the frequent potty trips have started since last week, and it's nice to have another sign that I'm truly carrying this beautiful miracle baby. I've been having a little bit of nauseousness, but I haven't actually been "sick". The only time I feel that I'm not sick to my stomach is when I'm eating something, so it seems like I'm eating all the time. I have a bloated feeling too, or maybe it's just things "moving around" and making room for what I keep thinking is going to be a sweet little princess who will end up being the biggest daddy's girl.
Thursday we have another appointment to see our little jelly bean, and I'm so excited about that! I can't wait to see how big we are now. AND, it looks like "daddy" will be able to be there to see our little miracle and hear the heartbeat too! I'm excited to see his expression when he has that experience.
We've got a big weekend ahead of us, as we are moving...but I'm looking forward to it. This is actually the first move where I have a good excuse not to lift, pull, carry or do anything too strenuous. In other words, I get to delegate and pack...that's the kind of moving I can handle. Oh....and no more stairs. I was getting to the point where I dreaded going up the stairs in our home.
One great thing about this pregnancy is that I get to talk to my dad every day almost. He calls to see how the little one is doing and how I'm feeling. Most women have their mom's or sisters to talk to about their pregnancy and how things are going. I have my daddy...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

There's a Miracle in Me

I know it's been a while since I have updated, but as you can imagine, I went into one heck of a funk when I had my miscarriage...or what I was told was a miscarriage!
Ken and I got away for the weekend that week because we just needed to have some alone time. Time to  heal, time to just be together. We ended up going to Myrtle Beach...and lets just say that only we would choose to go to the beach when it's 30 degrees outside. But it was ok. The point of the trip was just to be away from things, and be together for each other. We spent most of the time in our room, watching the ocean and did a few trips to the shopping spots, but we didn't spend too much time outside.
Well, after coming home from the beach, that next day I lost my job. You know, the one that was low stress, I was friends with everyone there (I'll get more into that later), and that had the great fertility insurance that we so desperately needed. So...basically I had insult to injury.
This past Friday I went back to the RE because they wanted to monitor me until my HCG beta was down to 0...that's right, ZERO! And the nurse advised that it could take a while...BUT


My levels had tripled since the prior Friday.
When I asked the nurse if I should be excited, she said "Doubtful". Their thought was that it could be ectopic, so it scared me to death. The doctor had already left for the day, so they scheduled me for an u/s for Monday morning. BUT, since I was so scared, I called my Ob/Gyn and explained the situation. They told me to come in and they would fit me in between patients.
When the tech did the u/s they did not find anything...in my uterus OR my tubes or ovaries. The doctor I saw there, we'll call him Dr. Z (my doctor wasn't in) was amazing! He was more hopeful than my RE or nurse were. He told me that by Monday he is sure they will see something in my uterus.
Well yesterday rolled around, and you can bet there were a lot of prayers going on.
The doctor started in my uterus and saw nothing. He made his way to my right tube and ovary then ovary to my left ovary and tube. Then, on the corner of the screen we saw something pulsing. My initial thought was that there was no way that it was MY heartbeat. I mean I have had thousands of these u/s and never have I seen my heart-rate on the screen. The nurse made her way over to me, grabbed my wrist and quickly noticed that it was faster than my heart-rate.
The doctor made his way back down to my uterus...and there it was.

That beautiful little "jelly bean" was there with a beautiful heartbeat of just under 120 bpm.

The doctor said, "well, you have a uterine pregnancy"
I said, "what does that mean?"
He said, "that means there is no chance of an ectopic problem."
I said, "but what does that mean?"
The nurse chimes in.."You know what you have been praying for all weekend, there it is!"

Of course at this time I just completely lost it! I so wished that Ken could have been there for this beautiful moment...but since he couldn't be, I left the doctor's office and drove straight to his work so I could show him and give him this miraculous news.

So...as Ken says...For those medical professionals who said we had lost our baby, let us introduce you to our God! He is the ultimate physician and prayer can change God's mind.

As for the fact that they thought we had miscarried, they believe that we were pregnant with 2 and miscarried one. But this little jelly bean is doing well right now, and I'm going to continue my prayers and give praise daily for this beautiful little miracle.

I want to thank everyone for all of your kind words, your support and the continued prayers.

Next appointment is scheduled for Feb. 10th at the RE, but my first OB appointment is Feb. 16th.

If I can give any advice to any woman out there who is TTC and might be losing hope (trust me, I've been there often)...God is always in control, He knows the desires of your hearts, and all you have to do is open your heart and life up to him. He can do great and wonderful things, even when the doctors don't see any "hope", there is always hope when you have your faith!
Nothing about this pregnancy has been typical or "to book", but all I know is who is in charge, and who has been taking care of this little one from the beginning. This little baby will always know of this beautiful miraculous start and will grow up in the Word and knowing what mommy and daddy believe.