Friday, March 25, 2011

Tomorrow's my birthday and I hear Vacation Calling...

One year older and I'm so ready for this vacation!
I can hear the waves crashing and the sound of the horn from the cruise ship as we set sail to the Eastern Caribbean. In less than 24 hours I should be relaxing pool side on the beautiful Carnival Dream as we set sail on a much needed get-away!

I can't think of a better way to celebrate a birthday, however it is pretty bittersweet to me. I should be pregnant right now. Of course I always thought that by the age of 35 I would be a mom of two.

God has a plan, and I'm doing my best to put my faith back into that. I'm trying to see the future and what it has in store for me. A friend of mine tells me often that "Man plans; God laughs".

BUT, for the next week there is going to be no sadness, no talk of what has happened the past few months and no tears! We will be having a much needed time to ourselves with no distractions, no work and just loads of laughs, smiles and many new memories.
Everything is packed, the car is loaded, now I just have to wait for my wonderful DH to get off work and come get me so we can hit the road.
With good luck we should be at dad's by 11pm tonight (fingers crossed) and get some rest before we get up and head to Port Canaveral.

So, I wish I could take you all with me, but I will be sharing photos and video when I return.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St. Patty's Day

Wow, it is so hard to believe that it is already St. Patrick's Day, March 17th ALREADY? Where has all the time gone? Today has always been a fun day for me. I use to make sure I would always wear some form of green so that I wouldn't get pinched! Ha, I even reminded DH last night to make sure he wore green before heading off to the work place. Of course I was still in bed when he left, so I have no idea if he took my advice or not. He probably thought I was totally joking.

My sister-in-law, well...technically EX sister-in-law celebrates her birthday on St. Patty's day and today I'm remembering all the fun times we use to have going out on her birthday. She was always the brave one who would try the Green Beer...while I just sat back and enjoyed watching her goof around. It's been quite a few years since I have gotten to celebrate this holiday and her birthday with her, but I'm sure she will be right out there living it up, drinking the green beer and dancing like she does every year.

I'm so excited, we are just a little over a week away from vacation and cruise time. I'm so excited that I even started to pull all my clothes out that I plan on taking to try them on and make sure they still fit. To some that sounds crazy, but after all this TTC weight and the miscarriage weight, I had to make sure. I've been spending time at the gym here at the complex, but obviously it isn't going to come off as quickly as it went on. Normally I would never be seen in a bathing suit looking like I do now, but darn it...I deserve this vacation, and I'm not going to waste one minute of it. So, that being said, I feel sorry for the other passengers on the Carnival Dream that sets sail next Saturday because I will be in my bathing suit several days of my trip and I just don't give a dang what they thing! HA!

Anyway, I have been thinking of things to keep myself busy over the past few weeks that I have been sitting around the house during the day with nothing to do (I'm going crazy). I have decided to start vlogging and posting those on I had started this several months ago, and even had the video of us telling Ken's parents we were pregnant up, but yesterday I did an update video and new intro and deleted some of the old videos that were on there.

Matter of fact, here is my video from yesterday...

Well, I guess that's it for now. I have so much to do today, but wanted to post before I got too involved in things.

Again, have a wonderful St. Patty's day and enjoy the weekend!


Monday, March 7, 2011

Healing and Dealing

I know it's been a few weeks since I have posted, and well...due to the heartbreak I was going through, I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it, let along BLOG about it.
Since my post, we have moved and have started to get somewhat settled in our new "home". Call me crazy, but although there were a lot of good memories in our old house, the most recent one's were very sad and upsetting and they overtook the good memories. Hopefully we will build happy and loving memories in our new place. I remembered how much I HATE moving, but I'm so thankful that it came at this juncture, because it kept my mind busy on the tasks that needed to be done to prepare the house for our tenants and getting everything moved into our new "home". Don't get me wrong, there were several times during the quietest times in the night when I would think about what happened, and question my faith and my God, and why he would do this to us...why he would give us something that we had longed and prayed for...yet just take it away...TWICE! Even today, I can say..."well, I would have been 11 weeks" and the thought makes me sad.

The good thing about this is that I truly believe that this has brought me and my dear husband closer together...even though I thought that was not possible. I have seen him hurt through this too. I've seen that sadness in his eyes if I think out loud about where we should have been, and where we are now. Sometimes as women on this horribly unfair TTC journey, it's hard to really remember that our husbands are going through this with us, and they are having all of the emotions that we are having as well. And for me, I have been down this road for over 14 years...where my husband has only been on it for about a year (we have only seriously been TTC the past year).

Another good thing is that we have scheduled a cruise vacation, and we are sailing out on my birthday this year...March 26th! We so desperately needed a vacation, and since we both LOVE cruising...we just knew that this was the best "get-away" for both of us. We need time to just be alone and love each other again.
Not that we don't love each other now! But you know that sometimes you just need that time to not deal with the bad, the sad and the ugly!

As for trying again...our plan is to start to prepare for another transfer once we get back from our cruise.
Right now I am still being monitored until my HCG has gone down to 0, zero. Last week it was down to 16, and hopefully tomorrow the level will be zero so that I don't have to think about this any more. I don't know if it's just me, but having to continue to be monitored, and still having that pregnancy hormone just adds salt to the wounds.

We have also decided that as far as letting our family and loved one's know of our plans to go through this again, we will keep this between us...and of course my blog readers! :)
We love their support and their prayers, but we just can't go through this again with having the excitement of telling them, and then having to tell them the saddest news ever. I don't even think that I will be able to get excited at the thought of a positive pregnancy test again. So...that being said, I think we will not share the news until we are about 12 weeks along. I just hope that someday we can share that news.

So, I guess that's it for now for an update. I'm going to try to get better at the updates, especially since I'm not currently working.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and love~