The Rise and Fall

Two weeks ago I would have never thought that my soon to come beta pregnancy test was going to come back positive...Surprise, it did. A little over a week ago I was at the highest peak of the mountain. I felt like no one could burst that bubble or cloud that I was riding on. I was nervous, since my levels started so low...but it was POSITIVE!
Then...two days later, my level had almost tripled and things were looking so great and I felt on top of the world. Matter of fact, we felt comfortable enough to share it with the parents AND with the world on Facebook...
Then, my 3rd Beta...MONDAY (only 5 days ago)...my levels had risen again; tripled even! We felt super and like we could breath a sigh of relief until our schedule first ultrasound that was going to be on Monday, the 31st. We just had to wait 2 weeks. You know...the dreaded 2 weeks.
Then the bottom falls out....
Tuesday morning I started bleeding....badly. Not to get into too much detail, it was just everywhere. I of course freaked out and called the RE. The nurse told me that it's perfectly normal and that it happens to about 90% of her patients. Ok...honestly, this didn't sit well with me. I mean come on, can you give me a little individual attention?
Anyway, I made the drive to the office and the bleeding just seemed heavier, constant...and with clots. No cramping, which I thought was a plus, and even the nurse said that having no cramping was a good sign. OK, now I am really freaking out and just losing it in the waiting room.
Finally I did get back with the doctor and they did an ultrasound. They noticed a small sac and something that looked like the second embryo implanted somewhere but didn't look just right. Dr. W (not my normal doctor) said that he couldn't really tell me what was causing the bleeding...if I was going to miscarry or anything really. They just told me to go home, relax and then return in the morning for a check on my beta levels.
By 4pm my bleeding had slowed down and by 6pm...it was gone. I still felt fine. I had seriously had no cramping or discomfort throughout all of this. But once again, I just had to wait. UGH, I'm so sick of WAITING.
Wednesday I went in for the blood work, and had to wait for that dreaded call. Then 1pm....the levels had dropped down to 446. Her exact words..."we are not optimistic at this time".
Needless to say...I lost it. I just couldn't understand and was completely devastated. I left work and went home and cried the rest of the day.
God bless my husband, who came home as soon as he could break away from work, and tells me that he just knows that all is going to be fine...that we still had a baby and that when I went back on Friday my levels were going to be back up and we were going to "stun" the doctor's office.
I ended up taking Thursday off, because honestly, I just couldn't face anyone. I just wanted to be alone. Me and God...we needed to have a knock down drag out fight! By the time that Ken got home, I was ready to get out of the house and get my mind off things. We went to dinner and to a movie. I chose the new movie Dilemma with Vince Vauhn and Kevin James...mainly cause I needed to have some laughs.
I drifted off to sleep with my husband saying the sweetest prayer for me for preparation for my next beta check.
TODAY...at the office bright and early for the vampires to get more blood....and the call came a little after 10am...the levels are decreasing. They went down from 446 on Weds. to 332 this morning. My instructions are to stop all medications and come back in a week to check my levels and they will monitor until they are down to zero, which I can understand can take quite a while. UGH...more waiting.
So, I'm numb today. I'm heartbroken today. I'm angry today...yes with God, but mostly myself for feeling that way. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I feel like a fool. And most of all, I feel "empty".
In one week I went from being pregnant to not being pregnant. I have to come to terms with things and figure out how to tell those that we love...that we lost our baby. The thought of having to tell Ken's parents breaks my heart even more. They were so excited, and have been waiting for this for a long long time. Knowing that they will never really have that "excitement" again, even if we are successful at getting pregnant again...it won't be the same.
So...this is where I am at today. I'm just numb. I need to find some peace with this, and I pray that the Lord gives me that...even though I'm truly angry with him right now. But because of the relationship I have with him...I know that he understands my heart and my feelings more than anyone.
My heart breaks for my husband too. God bless that man. He's been my strength through this the past few days. He has kept the hope alive, even when I already knew it was gone. I know that sometime soon it's really going to hit him that we "lost" our first baby. I just hope that he knows he doesn't always have to be that strong just for me.
So...will we try again? Of course we will, because I believe that God had a child or children that are meant for us. We have 5 embryos on ice right now that we can work with...As to when the time will be right...I just can't answer that now.
Thank you all for your thoughts, your prayers and your love. It is in all of you that I find my strength.