The past few weeks have been a haze for me. I have had moments where I felt completely normal then times where I was just simply numb at what we had been put there. To be quite honest, I don't like what each heartbreak does to not just me, but my husband, my friends and most importantly, my family. They have been so supportive from one struggle to the next and have been praying relentlessly for our hearts to be filled with the love of a baby of our own.
With each slight glimmer of hope, we have joyfully shared the news with our parents, our church family, our close friends...and even people we meet in our day to day lives. They get wrapped up in the excitement of the news of a new baby and make all kinds of plans and purchases with the greatest anticipation, and then... the bottom falls out, the rug gets pulled out from under our feet, and we are faced with another heartbreak and let down. With this last heartbreak, someone was in control of our happiness and our dreams. We put all kinds of trust and hope into someone elses hands, only to be hurt YET AGAIN!
Honestly, I hate what this does to us. It breaks our wills, our trust of others, and takes away our joy that we should have when it really does happen for us. We kind of feel like the boy who cried wolf, and that no one will even be remotely excited for us at any announcement of a "baby on the way".
Isn't that just sad?
I mean, I am not looking for sympathy here. Quite the contrary. I just hate that it hardens our hearts to what should be such an amazing time for us.
That's why we are starting with a new beginning. Great things are to come. I feel the brush of angels wings, and I feel amazingly at peace, even though my heart has been crushed and broken time and time again. I just know that something absolutely beautiful is in our future. However, we have made the conscious decision to keep any "exciting news" to ourselves, at least for the time being. For our own self preservation. For us to avoid any type of negative comments or remarks. Frankly, we don't need them. We have been there, right in the center of it, so we don't need a constant reminder of it. Leave the negativity at the door, is basically my thoughts.
Just know that we are in a happy place right now. I believe that God is listening to our prayers, and just whispering..."BE STILL", so that is what we are going to do.