Friday, January 21, 2011

The Rise and Fall

Two weeks ago I would have never thought that my soon to come beta pregnancy test was going to come back positive...Surprise, it did. A little over a week ago I was at the highest peak of the mountain. I felt like no one could burst that bubble or cloud that I was riding on. I was nervous, since my levels started so low...but it was POSITIVE!
Then...two days later, my level had almost tripled and things were looking so great and I felt on top of the world. Matter of fact, we felt comfortable enough to share it with the parents AND with the world on Facebook...
Then, my 3rd Beta...MONDAY (only 5 days ago) levels had risen again; tripled even! We felt super and like we could breath a sigh of relief until our schedule first ultrasound that was going to be on Monday, the 31st. We just had to wait 2 weeks. You know...the dreaded 2 weeks.
Then the bottom falls out....
Tuesday morning I started bleeding....badly. Not to get into too much detail, it was just everywhere. I of course freaked out and called the RE. The nurse told me that it's perfectly normal and that it happens to about 90% of her patients. Ok...honestly, this didn't sit well with me. I mean come on, can you give me a little individual attention?
Anyway, I made the drive to the office and the bleeding just seemed heavier, constant...and with clots. No cramping, which I thought was a plus, and even the nurse said that having no cramping was a good sign. OK, now I am really freaking out and just losing it in the waiting room.
Finally I did get back with the doctor and they did an ultrasound. They noticed a small sac and something that looked like the second embryo implanted somewhere but didn't look just right. Dr. W (not my normal doctor) said that he couldn't really tell me what was causing the bleeding...if I was going to miscarry or anything really. They just told me to go home, relax and then return in the morning for a check on my beta levels.
By 4pm my bleeding had slowed down and by was gone. I still felt fine. I had seriously had no cramping or discomfort throughout all of this. But once again, I just had to wait. UGH, I'm so sick of WAITING.
Wednesday I went in for the blood work, and had to wait for that dreaded call. Then 1pm....the levels had dropped down to 446. Her exact words..."we are not optimistic at this time".
Needless to say...I lost it. I just couldn't understand and was completely devastated. I left work and went home and cried the rest of the day.
God bless my husband, who came home as soon as he could break away from work, and tells me that he just knows that all is going to be fine...that we still had a baby and that when I went back on Friday my levels were going to be back up and we were going to "stun" the doctor's office.
I ended up taking Thursday off, because honestly, I just couldn't face anyone. I just wanted to be alone. Me and God...we needed to have a knock down drag out fight! By the time that Ken got home, I was ready to get out of the house and get my mind off things. We went to dinner and to a movie. I chose the new movie Dilemma with Vince Vauhn and Kevin James...mainly cause I needed to have some laughs.
I drifted off to sleep with my husband saying the sweetest prayer for me for preparation for my next beta check. the office bright and early for the vampires to get more blood....and the call came a little after 10am...the levels are decreasing. They went down from 446 on Weds. to 332 this morning. My instructions are to stop all medications and come back in a week to check my levels and they will monitor until they are down to zero, which I can understand can take quite a while. UGH...more waiting.
So, I'm numb today. I'm heartbroken today. I'm angry today...yes with God, but mostly myself for feeling that way. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I feel like a fool. And most of all, I feel "empty".
In one week I went from being pregnant to not being pregnant. I have to come to terms with things and figure out how to tell those that we love...that we lost our baby. The thought of having to tell Ken's parents breaks my heart even more. They were so excited, and have been waiting for this for a long long time. Knowing that they will never really have that "excitement" again, even if we are successful at getting pregnant won't be the same.
So...this is where I am at today. I'm just numb. I need to find some peace with this, and I pray that the Lord gives me that...even though I'm truly angry with him right now. But because of the relationship I have with him...I know that he understands my heart and my feelings more than anyone.
My heart breaks for my husband too. God bless that man. He's been my strength through this the past few days. He has kept the hope alive, even when I already knew it was gone. I know that sometime soon it's really going to hit him that we "lost" our first baby. I just hope that he knows he doesn't always have to be that strong just for me.
So...will we try again? Of course we will, because I believe that God had a child or children that are meant for us. We have 5 embryos on ice right now that we can work with...As to when the time will be right...I just can't answer that now.
Thank you all for your thoughts, your prayers and your love. It is in all of you that I find my strength.


Sunday, January 16, 2011

And the results are in...

Well, now that we have shared our news with our close friends, family and loved ones...I am so thrilled to share this news with my online friends and fellow bloggers.


I have to say that when I got the results on Wednesday (1/12/11), I was super let me rewind a few days prior to that beautiful day.

Saturday (1/8/11)= 8dp5dt
I took a hpt this morning and it was negative. I was a little bummed, because at this point, most every woman who has had a 5dt gets a positive home result. J, my coworker who is a couple weeks ahead of me had her positive test at 7dp5dt. I also wasn't feeling anything...I MEAN NOTHING! I told myself not to lose hope; I mean it could still be a little too early to be detected, RIGHT?

Monday (1/10/11) and Tuesday (1/11/11) Ken and I were both home due to snow and ice here in NC. It was a nice break and time to spend with my sweetie. Tuesday morning I decided to test again, it was 11dp5dt after all, and just one day prior to my beta, so surely if it was positive, it would show up today.
I was pretty down for the rest of the day. I confessed to Ken that I had taken the test and the results and bless his heart, he said..."I still believe that it is positive, don't lose your faith!"
That afternoon I called and talked to the nurse regarding my appointment for my beta (pregnancy) results. I was kind of nervous about driving on the icy roads Wednesday morning and asked if I could come in either Tuesday afternoon or reschedule for Thursday. Since they were closing early, she pushed my test back one Thursday (1/13/11). I told her that I was sure the result would be negative and explained I had taken a test that morning that produced a BFN! I was even thinking of what our next steps would be...if we'd jump right in with another FET since we have 5 on ice, or would we take some time off.

Wednesday (1/12/11)=12dp5dt
We both went back to work today. At about 10am I called my nurse to see if I could come in for my beta this afternoon since the roads were clear...I arrived at REACH at 11am and gave my blood for what I was sure was going to result in a confirmation that we were not successful.

3pm --My phone rings...the nurse on the other line says, "Lynn, your test came back positive!", I said..."Say that again?"
She then confirms that I was in fact pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I was completely surprised at this result.
I asked her was my beta # was, and it was low...44.6, but it was positive!
Of course the first call I made was to my sweet husband and I'm sure he could barely understand me...I was crying like a fool, but the happiest of fools for sure.
My next few calls were to my daddy, my husbands cousin, Debi, who he is very close to and who has been praying for us all through this journey, and to two of my best friends back in Florida. Then it was back to work...however much work I could do.

Friday (1/14/11)=14dp5dt
Back in this morning for another beta test to make sure levels are rising accordingly.
The results....120!!! For those of you who are not sure what this all means, beta #'s (your HCG or pregnancy hormone) should double every 48-72 hours to be good and normal. My numbers almost TRIPLED in this time. My doubling time was about 34 very good.
This evening we went to the in-laws and shared the great news with them. They have waited a long time for this too. This will be the first grandchild on both sides. Below is a video of us telling Ken's parents.
I found a grand parents brag book photo album and put a photo of the digital pregnancy test in the first photo slot.

So, flash forward to today, Sunday (1/16/11)
Tomorrow I go back for my 3rd and final beta test to make sure the numbers are looking good, so we are praying for great numbers tomorrow. At that point they will schedule me for my 1st ultrasound which will probably be a week from tomorrow or so...

So, tomorrow, I plan on being back with some great news.
Oh, and again I apologize for waiting to update my blog, I just had to let the fam know the news before the rest of the world know.

The only other time that should happen is when it's time to let the world know what the sex of our "Peanut" is.

Until next time~

Friday, January 7, 2011

To test or not to test...that my friends, is the BIG question!

Well, here we are sitting at 7dp5dt. A week ago today I was having my beautiful little "twins" put back into me to care for and grow them nice and strong for the next 9 months...That is if they "stuck" like we all hope they did!
This week has gone by so slow, as every one that has ever been in this dreaded 2 week wait knows. AND, I still have 6 more days to wait (counting today) before I get to have that beta checked. So...I'm debating on whether to POAS or just stick it out. AND, if I do POAS, when should I start with those evil little things?
J, the girl here at work who is about 2 weeks ahead of me in this IVF thing tested and got her BFP on the evening of 7dp5dt...which would be like my "today". Of course her first beta on 13dp5dt was already at 760! My beautiful husband doesn't think I should test yet, and I'm sure he would be fine if I just waited for my beta...but here's the thing. HE'S NOT POSSIBLY CARRYING A BABY OR TWO!
I think that guys are so much more capable of holding out for the 2 weeks than we are. Don't get me wrong, he is super excited about this whole thing, and can't wait to be a daddy too...but he just doesn't have the urge to know before the doctor tells us to know!
Sooo, to fill my mind the past couple of days with thoughts other than am I or am I not (and Lord, how can I handle the "not"), I've been thinking up a great surprise for my husband. I am planning an awesome weekend trip for the last weekend in April (and for fear that he will read my blog, I can't share the details with you yet), but I'm just so excited and my mind is focused on planning that (of course there is always that part of my mind that is geared to baby baby baby! LOL
I am doing my best to keep that positive outlook on the outcome of this and what we will find out on Wednesday, but you  know that I am just itching to take a test....Maybe tomorrow morning? Maybe not....


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

5dp5dt---Can I please feel "something"?

Well, just a week to go until my beta, and honestly...I thought I would feel something by now! I have twinges, ever so slightly, every now and then, but nothing like what I had expected. I'm just feeling really nothing, but some bloating and the feeling of constantly being hungry.
With the nightly PIO injections my bum has gotten tender, but still not as sore I as I had expected, and strangly enough...they just really are no big deal anymore. Ken has gotten so good at giving me my injection ever night that most of the time I don't even feel it. It's actually kind of weird that something that I was so incredibly nervous about doing has just become second nature to me.
Last night we had a visit from our dear friend Christa and her daughter and their new little puppy, Jack Frost! It was so cute to see Savannah and Jack together. I almost wish that I would have gotten some pictures...maybe for their next play date! Christa brought us some wonderful beef stew and rice and salad. It was so yummy. I have some of the best friends in the world! I pray that God blesses them daily and that they know how much they are loved.
As for whether or not I will POAS...I'm pretty sure I will start that obsession Saturday morning. I had hoped I could hold out until at least Wednesday morning before my beta test....but let's be honest, I just can't wait for some kind of it good or bad. Let's just pray it is GOOD!

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Well, it's a new year and what a way for me to start off 2011!
Two days ago I made a huge change in my life...I put 2 beautiful little beans into my long awaiting uterus. Two beautiful AA blasts that grew from our zygotes that were frozen back on November 11th, one day after my Egg Retrieval. Looking back now, I am very ashamed that I had my doubts that any of those zygotes were going to grow to be a beautiful AA blast. I am ashamed that I questioned the hand of God, who I know has had his hand in this from day one. Not only did we have 2 beautiful AA's from the zygotes, we had 2 more frozen on Friday and one more yesterday. That makes 5 blasts that we have on ice, if we should happen to need them...of course we are praying that we won't need them, but it's nice to know they are there if we needed them.

Today, Sunday, marks the 2nd day of being PUPO! Ken has been keeping me in bed and taking such good care of me. Thanks to the generosity of some of our dear Christian brother's and sisters we have had meals delivered every single day, and enjoyed them so very much!

I will be back a work tomorrow, and have until the 12th before my beta test/results...but I'm pretty sure that my POAS obsession will start around Friday or Saturday of next week.

But, in th mean time...I just keep looking at the photo of our beautiful little "twins"