Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Planning while TTC...

“Let’s plan a trip for next year,” my husband says to me during one of our afternoon chats. Of course my response is “Sure, let me look into a few things, oh wait, what if we get pregnant before then?”
Seriously, am I the only person in this community who has this dilemma? Who can plan anything in the future when you are praying and hoping that your desire to be a mom comes true? We went through this last year when we started planning our cruise vacation. We booked it in May of last year after we returned from a cruise and at that time we kind of knew we were going to get back on the band wagon with our journey to conceive with a final FET with our last two embies. We had already had the cruise booked and so we kind of knew what time frame we had when we met with our RE in preparation for our transfer. Of course you know the saying, “man plans, God laughs.” That is pretty much how it went for us with that. We had our transfer a little less than 2 weeks before we set sail because of a few hiccups. At first I stressed a little about that time frame, but I should tell you that DH stressed quite a bit with fear that I would over exert myself while on vacation. I’m telling you, sometimes I wonder if this man really knows who I am? Me exert myself on a cruise? You have got to be kidding. That is a week of pure relaxation for someone like me. Other than a little walking around the island ports, I am kicked back and relaxed with a drink in my hand and the motion of the ocean soothing me into a state of pure euphoria.
Anyway, my doctor assured us both that as long as I wasn’t going to be doing anything crazy like riding a jet ski or a horse or doing a lot of exercise I would be more than ok…and he was right, I was. Actually, I think the timing worked out perfectly because any girl who has been in that dreaded TWW knows that nothing takes your mind off of what you are going through. This time it was so different for me. Prior to bon voyage, the cruise was all I could truly think about. I kept running through my lists of what I needed to have done and what I needed to pack. We also had another couple cruising with us who were first timers and I was focused on making sure this was going to be the best experience for them.
Sadly that pregnancy ended in another early loss and although we don’t have any snow babies left, we haven’t given up hope on our dream of having a child and have discussed options with our doctor on what direction to head in. With that being said, it makes us have to hold off on any big or long vacation plans in the coming months/year. We do have another cruise planned for after Thanksgiving so we know how to time for that but what do we do about anything past that?
I guess the good thing about this problem is that in those times when I start to lose hope of it ever happening for us, I just start thinking or trying to plan a vacation. It will bring me back to that point of... “What if we get pregnant?” Ahh, this is a true definition of the catch 22.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Surviving Another Mothers Day

Another mother’s day has come and gone and once again my arms are empty. My wonderful DH presented me with two lovely cards first thing Sunday before stepping out for church and it just reminds me once again how much I truly love this man.
Card #1 was from our two fur babies Dixie and Savannah and it really made me smile. For now they are our only babies and you can bet that I treat them as such. I can’t imagine not having them in my life. On those days when I feel empty or sad or just totally lost they are there to let me know that they love me and that I mean something special to them.
Before I even opened up card #2 I already had my suspicions of what it was going to be but it still didn’t prepare me for the emotions that would flood as soon as I read it. This card was from our “angel baby”. My sweet husband is quick to reassure me that I am a mother, even when the rest of the world forgets that I am. Even though on days like this when I can’t hold or hug or play with our baby, I do have this beautiful “angel baby” who will be reunited with me once again. That thought is one I hold dear. It gives me hope and strength in times when I feel I have absolutely none!

Infertility and loss are not the only reasons why I try to avoid most mothers’ day celebrations. For much of my life I have had a sad lack of a relationship with my own mother. This is something that I struggled with for quite some time, but for probably the past 2 years I have just learned to let it go. It is not my fault that she has “forgotten” about me. It’s not my fault that she doesn’t reach out to know me or have a relationship with me. Matter of fact, if anything it is her loss that she doesn’t know the woman that I have become or what goes on in my life. It is a sad situation that we do not have a relationship, especially with the trials and heartache that I have had to endure in my own struggle to become a mom. I will say that I don’t let a mother’s day or her birthday go by where I don’t send her a card and give her a quick call to let her know I was thinking about her. I do often wonder though, why she ends our phone conversations with “I love you” because not once in my life have I ever felt her love and I just ask myself quietly… “do you?”

So, once again I have survived another mothers’ day. I avoided the actual church service where all moms are acknowledged, but I did attend Sunday school and hear all about it. I stayed off Facebook so I wouldn’t see all the posts about moms & being a new mom only to log on in the evening to see the first post from a family member announcing their pregnancy. But I survived and I’m ok, really. Of course I pray for a baby of our own and hope that next mother’s day I won’t feel like this, but right now I’m ok. God is working in my life and making me a stronger woman through all of this.