tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12187527807372405082024-02-07T10:46:38.383-05:00MrsKC's Journey to ConceiveMrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.comBlogger93125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-77405494864300740282014-08-13T21:44:00.002-04:002014-08-13T21:44:58.651-04:00My Crazy Mixed Up Body!First let me start off by saying that I know I shouldn’t be surprised that by body just doesn’t want to cooperate and work as though it was intended to. I know by now that no matter what I anticipate or expect that chances are pretty good that it is not going to be what I was hoping for. I get it. I have been down this road one too many times…but seriously??? Can my body not just shape up and act the way it is supposed to act? I am so frustrated today. Today I am CD21. I should be in my luteal phase right now (2ww) and yet at my morning ultrasound today there were still no “measureable” follies and my lab work showed that my estradiol level was less than 20! After stair-stepping with the femara/letrozole last week (if you are keeping track, that is 10 day’s worth of femara) and I still have nothing brewing in there. I know that I’ve got issues, but come on! Last cycle at this time I had already ovulated and was starting my 2ww. Last cycle I only<br /> needed to take 5mg of Femara for 5 days (CD3-7) and by CD12 I already had a 12mm follie and my lining was an 8. This cycle at CD12 I didn’t have anything above a 10 and my lining was at 6 so the doctor had me take 5 more days of femara at 7.5mg (CD12-16) and today’s CD19 there is still nothing above 10 and my lining was a little over 8. UGH!<br /><br /> I guess it’s a good thing that DH and I decided last week that we were going to skip doing an IUI this cycle and just do the ovidrel injection and timed “dancing”. The way this cycle was looking last week I just felt that we would be wasting time and money to do the IUI when things were just not looking like they were optimal. I knew after last Monday’s appointment that I was going to have to make some decisions. Basically it was either to stop all TTC efforts completely or go all in and do one more round of IVF. After speaking with the financial counselor we decided that we would do another round of IVF. The doctor is highly recommending that we do PGD (pre-genetic diagnosis) of the embryos but to be quite honest, we just don’t have that kind of money that we can spend on that. Maybe it would be different if it would give us a guarantee, but as with everything…there is none.<br /><br /> So, the plan…this cycle looks like it is going to be a scratch since nothing is maturing. When my next cycle starts I guess we will start the prepping for another IVF. My hope is going to be that we do a fresh 5 day transfer after the retrieval and hopefully have some embryos to freeze. I’m still not 100% sure what the protocol will be to assist with sustaining a pregnancy should we get pregnant again. It’s been several months since we discussed this with the doctor and to be quite honest, I was hoping we wouldn’t have to go this route again…but it looks like if we don’t just move forward full steam, we will just be spinning our wheels.<br /><br /> So, stay tuned!MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-5287473116648480752014-06-27T20:17:00.001-04:002014-06-28T22:31:13.640-04:00Let it go<span style="line-height: normal;">Don’t worry, I’m not about to break out singing that ridiculously annoying song from the Disney film Frozen although it seems like everyone and their brother (sister) feel the need to share their version of the song with the world these days. Hmm, come to think about it that’s probably why I think the song is so annoying to begin with.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: normal;">No, I mean…LET IT GO! There comes a time when you think that you have let things go with this whole fertility journey. What do I mean? Well, with each passing cycle you tell yourself “I’m just going to let go and let what will be, be” then as the days roll around and you know you should be getting close to that whole be “O” day you let the stress sink in. Or throughout the entire TWW you are killing yourself wondering “am I or aren’t I? Should I POAS or wait another day?” And we all know how every little twinge, cramp, trip to the restroom, hint of nausea and so on just makes it all the more agonizing. What about those first cycles after you have had a miscarriage? You think that you have turned it all over to God, who in his wonderful grace will answer all your prayers, until you realize you haven’t let it go at all! When do you realize this…when that times comes when you truly let it go. That is your “ah-ha” moment!</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: normal;">I like many other women (and men) who have been trying to conceive have always told myself that I have put my trust in God and that I have turned things over to him and “let go.” Each time I truly believed that I had done this, but not until recently did I really just let it all go and realized that I never really done this before. I feel so different now and it is almost liberating.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: normal;">After our last miscarriage this past February I felt that I had completely been beaten. Infertility had come in like a vengeance and just knocked me down till there was nothing left of me emotionally. Not only did I feel I was just done, I could see that there was a change in my husband. His belief and hope was now shattered, and quite frankly that just made me more upset. He had always been my rock and my strength through each failed attempt and each pregnancy loss and now he was different. It’s no lie, going through what we did changes you. It makes you hollow and bitter and empty, period. There is just no way around that…it’s going to happen whether you try to avoid it or not. It comes knocking and you can’t ignore it.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: normal;">When I met with my doctor for our consult after the loss, we discussed options but I just wasn’t feeling that I wanted to go on. Well, I was but I just wasn’t ready to just jump right back in. I needed to let things soak in and do some seeking within myself to see if I had anything left in me. Not having answers as to why these miscarriages keep happening only makes things worse for me. It certainly doesn’t build up the hope that it will ever be successful and it definitely doesn’t help me feel good about myself. However, we decided that we wanted to still try and honestly, that was God. When I thought I was done, he stepped in and changed my mind. So, we made the plan to take a few steps backward and try about 3 rounds of IUI. Again, I wanted to try again but I just wasn’t ready to jump into another IVF round. It’s just too taxing on the emotions and the wallet.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: normal;">On June 19th I started a cycle (of course brought on by Provera) and on the 20th I had labs and a baseline ultrasound done in preparation of IUI#4 (IUI#1 post IVF). While in the exam room waiting for that ultrasound, I remembered the last time I was there. That was when my hubby and I waited patiently to see our little jellybean on the ultrasound screen only to find out that once again, we had lost our baby. This time wasn’t as hard as the times before, thanks to the grace of God, and that’s when I just said a little prayer and just left it all in that room once the ultrasound was over. I made a promise that day to myself that I am not going to let this struggle consume me and that I had to let God be in control; not as a co-pilot but as the ONLY pilot.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: normal;">That afternoon when the nurse called, it just so happened that I wasn’t around to answer the phone to get my instructions but she left them on my voicemail “levels were good, start your Femara tomorrow and we will see you back on June 30th”. When I told my husband about this I kind of laughed because any other time before I would have called right back and been obsessed on knowing what my levels were. Seriously! Just hearing that they are “good” would not have cut it with me. I always wanted to know numbers so that I could make notes and research the heck out of everything. Yes, I was a Google junkie. This time I just didn’t put any focus on it. It doesn’t matter. Now, if I would have just realized that years ago!</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: normal;">On June 21st I took my first dose of Femara (2 2.5mg tablets a day cd3-cd7) and on Monday I will go back for labs and another ultrasound to see how things are progressing. For the first time I am not taking any FSH drug to help boost my follicles and I have to be honest that this kind of bothered me a couple months ago when we first discussed this protocol, but honestly I am loving the fact that I am not loading my body up with drugs. It feels good to just be going along with the flow of things. I’m more focused on what I am putting into and on my body these days and oddly enough, it isn’t because of anything more than doing what feels right and making good decision. I’m not forcing anything and I love it. I’m not stressing on IF this is going to work because I’m not obsessed with it working or what I can do to make it work.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: normal;">This has been a long, LONG journey for me with more than my share of shattered dreams, heartbreak, confusion and anger. I see so many women who after less than a year of no success they feel like their world has just fallen apart and they don’t know how much more they can take. Honestly, I want to just say to these girls, trust me…you will find the strength to keep going until you have your desire. Where do you find this strength…nowhere else but from God! PEROID! I know that not being able to conceive a child makes any woman feel like a failure. For years I have felt that I didn’t know if I could come to terms of not ever having a child of my own. I don’t know what the future holds for us but after all these years of TTC I’m finally at a place where I am ok if it is just me and hubby and our fur babies. By no means am I saying that I am done trying to have a child, but I’m just not going to let it consume me anymore.</span><br />
<span style="line-height: normal;">God has given me that peace because I have let it go.</span>MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-9551815554252485702014-05-28T22:17:00.001-04:002014-05-28T22:17:13.090-04:00Planning while TTC...<div class="MsoNormal">
“Let’s plan a trip for next year,” my husband says to me during one of our afternoon chats. Of course my response is “Sure, let me look into a few things, oh wait, what if we get pregnant before then?”<u></u><u></u></div>
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Seriously, am I the only person in this community who has this dilemma? Who can plan anything in the future when you are praying and hoping that your desire to be a mom comes true? We went through this last year when we started planning our cruise vacation. We booked it in May of last year after we returned from a cruise and at that time we kind of knew we were going to get back on the band wagon with our journey to conceive with a final FET with our last two embies. We had already had the cruise booked and so we kind of knew what time frame we had when we met with our RE in preparation for our transfer. Of course you know the saying, “man plans, God laughs.” That is pretty much how it went for us with that. We had our transfer a little less than 2 weeks before we set sail because of a few hiccups. At first I stressed a little about that time frame, but I should tell you that DH stressed quite a bit with fear that I would over exert myself while on vacation. I’m telling you, sometimes I wonder if this man really knows who I am? Me exert myself on a cruise? You have got to be kidding. That is a week of pure relaxation for someone like me. Other than a little walking around the island ports, I am kicked back and relaxed with a drink in my hand and the motion of the ocean soothing me into a state of pure euphoria. <u></u><u></u></div>
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Anyway, my doctor assured us both that as long as I wasn’t going to be doing anything crazy like riding a jet ski or a horse or doing a lot of exercise I would be more than ok…and he was right, I was. Actually, I think the timing worked out perfectly because any girl who has been in that dreaded TWW knows that nothing takes your mind off of what you are going through. This time it was so different for me. Prior to bon voyage, the cruise was all I could truly think about. I kept running through my lists of what I needed to have done and what I needed to pack. We also had another couple cruising with us who were first timers and I was focused on making sure this was going to be the best experience for them.<u></u><u></u></div>
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Sadly that pregnancy ended in another early loss and although we don’t have any snow babies left, we haven’t given up hope on our dream of having a child and have discussed options with our doctor on what direction to head in. With that being said, it makes us have to hold off on any big or long vacation plans in the coming months/year. We do have another cruise planned for after Thanksgiving so we know how to time for that but what do we do about anything past that?<u></u><u></u></div>
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I guess the good thing about this problem is that in those times when I start to lose hope of it ever happening for us, I just start thinking or trying to plan a vacation. It will bring me back to that point of... “What if we get pregnant?” Ahh, this is a true definition of the catch 22.</div>
MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-57814627075176935832014-05-12T21:47:00.000-04:002014-05-12T21:47:09.507-04:00Surviving Another Mothers Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Another mother’s day has come and gone and once again my arms are empty.
My wonderful DH presented me with two lovely cards first thing Sunday before stepping out for church and it just reminds me once again how much I truly love this man.
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Card #1 was from our two fur babies Dixie and Savannah and it really made me smile. For now they are our only babies and you can bet that I treat them as such. I can’t imagine not having them in my life. On those days when I feel empty or sad or just totally lost they are there to let me know that they love me and that I mean something special to them.
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Before I even opened up card #2 I already had my suspicions of what it was going to be but it still didn’t prepare me for the emotions that would flood as soon as I read it. This card was from our “angel baby”. My sweet husband is quick to reassure me that I am a mother, even when the rest of the world forgets that I am. Even though on days like this when I can’t hold or hug or play with our baby, I do have this beautiful “angel baby” who will be reunited with me once again. That thought is one I hold dear. It gives me hope and strength in times when I feel I have absolutely none!</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Infertility and loss are not the only reasons why I try to avoid most mothers’ day celebrations. For much of my life I have had a sad lack of a relationship with my own mother. This is something that I struggled with for quite some time, but for probably the past 2 years I have just learned to let it go. It is not my fault that she has “forgotten” about me. It’s not my fault that she doesn’t reach out to know me or have a relationship with me. Matter of fact, if anything it is her loss that she doesn’t know the woman that I have become or what goes on in my life. It is a sad situation that we do not have a relationship, especially with the trials and heartache that I have had to endure in my own struggle to become a mom. I will say that I don’t let a mother’s day or her birthday go by where I don’t send her a card and give her a quick call to let her know I was thinking about her. I do often wonder though, why she ends our phone conversations with “I love you” because not once in my life have I ever felt her love and I just ask myself quietly… “do you?”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">So, once again I have survived another mothers’ day. I avoided the actual church service where all moms are acknowledged, but I did attend Sunday school and hear all about it. I stayed off Facebook so I wouldn’t see all the posts about moms & being a new mom only to log on in the evening to see the first post from a family member announcing their pregnancy. But I survived and I’m ok, really. Of course I pray for a baby of our own and hope that next mother’s day I won’t feel like this, but right now I’m ok. God is working in my life and making me a stronger woman through all of this.</span>MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-55480887881246796592014-03-27T21:31:00.001-04:002014-03-27T21:31:03.508-04:00Another year older<p>Yesterday was my birthday and for the first time that I can remember I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate. Any 'normal' year I would be celebrating all month long, but given how this month has unfolded I am just not in a celebratory mood...and it SUCKS!</p>
<p>A month ago I was pregnant. We had planned on letting our immediate family know that we were expecting this weekend although my father already knew about our whole treatment and was eagerly anticipating his first grandchild...and for the third time I let him down. Matter of fact, I let everyone down and I hate that feeling.</p>
<p>A couple weekends ago DH and I decided that we needed to just get away. We got up early that Saturday morning and drove down to Myrtle Beach. It was the weekend before St Patrick's day so there was quite a few things going on in town and it is only about a 3 1/2 hour drive from our house. We just needed to get away to a place where no one knew what we ha just gone through and where we could have some laughs and not talk about anything related to our pregnancy, our loss and most importantly our infertility struggles. It was just for a night, but it was very much needed. We really enjoyed just being together and not having to deal with our sad reality.</p>
<p>That same weekend I started a new diet. The HCG diet. Now I did some research on this prior to starting and read that it could be beneficial for women with PCOS or insulin resistant. There is a lot of controversy over this diet because it is a very low calorie diet along with either HCG drops (over the counter) or injections (prescription). I first heard about this diet from my BFF who lives back in FL who had started this diet taking the Omni drops from Omnitrition. She was having some pretty good success with weightloss, so that's what started my research in this. Anyway to give you a little synopsis of this diet, the first two days are your loading days followed by the VLCD (very low calorie diet) of 500 calories per day. I won't bore you with the details because those who are intrigued can google HCG diet and find all kinds of information about it. Currently I have lost 11 pounds (as of this past Sunday when I weighed in).</p>
<p>Also in the past week I have been doing some research on PCOS and AMA (advanced maternal age) along with miscarriages and TTC and so on and so on. It seems like whenever I get knocked down by some infertility battle that I am fighting I go on this crazy spin with trying to find out anything and everything I can to try and beat this. Beat PCOS. Beat early miscarriage. Beat infertility...PERIOD! During some of my searching I came across some women speaking about <a href="http://www.pregnitude.com/">Pregnitude</a>. It seems like it is a relatively new product that many women had been given from their OB/Gyn's. Of course the chances of an RE recommending this product is most likely rare because it is a natural supplement and not one of those "prescription" medications. Also, if a woman has success with this product, they certainly aren't going to be spending the time and money on fertility treatments. Of course a lot of what I have read about this product is that it helps improve egg quality which would make it a great supplement to take even if you are preparing for an IUI or IVF cycle. Honestly, I was liking what I was reading, so I found the product on Amazon, eBay and even Walgreens.com which is where I ultimately purchased it from. Walgreens had the cheapest price and it ships for free. My thoughts are that if it can regulate my cycles and hopefully help my body to ovulate on it's own then it is well worth the price I paid for it ($35). I ordered it Friday night online and I received it yesterday (my own birthday present) and plan on starting it Saturday morning depending on what my beta level is tomorrow. That's right, another beta blood test tomorrow morning to hopefully see if my level has dropped to <5.</p>
<p>So, who knows...if I continue to lose some weight and this Pregnitude (me) and FertileAid (Ken) do what they claim they can do then maybe we can have our own little miracle this time next year. I still plan on having the RPL panel done along with the other testing that my doctor is ordering for me once my beta Hcg is down to under 5 and to be honest I am hoping that it might show something so that I have some direction should we get pregnant again. Of course I don't think I will be able to really accept and believe I'm pregnant until I am holding a happy and healthy baby in my arms.</p>
<p>It would be wonderful to have a surprise BFP. I don't know if we will have that kind of luck, but then again anything is possible right? It's a nice thought thinking of having that kind of miracle after all we have been through. I would love to be a Prenitude success story! So stay tuned...I'll keep you updated on how these new things are going and what we are doing to try on our own before we move on to another treatment which looks like it might be an IUI in June or July?</p>MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-82761529715400229772014-03-18T14:23:00.001-04:002014-03-18T14:23:39.018-04:00Our WTHeck Appointment<p>Yesterday was my follow up appointment with my RE regarding this last FET. Of course I went into this appointment with a laundry list of questions that I wanted to ask him. I knew from the get-go that I wouldn’t get all my answers, but I was hoping to come away with something…I just didn’t know exactly what that “something” was. </p>
<p>Unfortunately Ken wasn’t able to go with me. One of the many problems we have with him working for the jerk he works for who happens to be the owner of the company. (I could call him many things but I must be careful what I say). I could tell that my doctor was surprised that my husband wasn’t there for an appointment like this, and honestly I didn’t want him to dig too deep into wondering why he was absent. After all, I was kind of upset that Ken wasn’t there myself. </p>
<p>I walked into his office with my pad of paper and pen in hand, ready to make my notes. I wanted to utilize his time wisely and I didn’t want to miss anything. All I can say about that…it was a good plan and I had good intentions but I didn’t write down a single thing. Sad, I know. </p>
<p>Anyway, my first question of course… “What do you think happened?” This was the big question that I hoped to get an answer for…sadly, he couldn’t answer this. He reiterated that the fibroid surgery was a necessity due to the size and location of the fibroid. I of course agreed completely. His next statement was that he highly suggested that I have PGS (pre-genetic screening) done on any embryos we have should we elect to do another round of IVF. I have more to say about this a little later! </p>
<p>I asked about having a RPL (repeat pregnancy loss) panel done along with any and all other testing that could possibly shed some light. This includes auto immune testing, leukocyte testing, genetic testing on both Ken and me, etc. I knew that my old clinic did an RPL panel of testing on me after our first FET because of my age and the way that whole thing played. That testing was done back in early 2011 and although nothing showed up in those labs, I am not 100% confident that testing was done properly or that they even did ALL the necessary testing. After all, we are talking about the clinic that killed six of our eggs right off the bat with inseminating them TWICE! If you couldn’t tell, I am still pretty upset over that situation! </p>
<p>Doctor M agreed that we should have a bunch of labs done and he listing several of the tests, but honestly I just couldn’t keep up with everything he mentioned. I plan on getting in touch with my nurse to see if she can email me this list so that I can do some further checking on what he plans to test for and to make additional requests if I feel something is missing from that list. </p>
<p>My next question started the discussion of where we go from here and what would be different should we do another attempt at a full IVF cycle. I asked him if he thought that the high dosage of stimulant drugs I was given from the other clinic in preparation for my egg retrieval could have caused the quality of my eggs to be diminished. After all, I was on such a high dose that they retrieved 33 eggs from me. I remember everyone at the clinic that day “bragging” about how many eggs I had because they hadn’t ever gotten that many before. Of course at the time, I thought… “yay, we have a lot to work with!” But now, all I can think of in my simple un-medically educated mind is that it was all about quantity and not quality with them. The more eggs the lower the quality. I wasn’t sure how my doctor would answer this question, but he agreed with me that being on the high dosage of stimulants has been shown to lower the quality of the eggs. He then went on to say that I would be on a much lower dose and that I would trigger with Lupron instead of Ovidrel because it lowers the chances of OHSS. Thankfully I didn’t get OHSS when I did my egg retrieval back in 2010, but that was always a fear because of being a woman with PCOS. He also said that ideally he would like to see me have somewhere around 6-10 eggs at retrieval, and of course mentioned the PGS testing again. Still more to be said about this! </p>
<p>After discussing what kind of protocol and what would be different in our next attempt, I felt that we were at a place in our discussion for me to ask my next question… “Would it be silly for us to take a step back and try 2-3 rounds of IUI before trying another IVF?” Yes, you read that right. I asked that question because I felt like this was an opportunity for us to be “trying” to conceive while deciding if we wanted to go through the full blown IVF thing again. I was actually surprised when he said that he thought it was a good idea and he would happily do whatever it takes to get us our baby. He then joked about how awesome it would be if we got pregnant through IUI after all we had gone through. He mentioned that even though I had 3 prior IUI’s at the other clinic, every protocol is different, that it was over 3 years ago and that we had the fibroid removed since then as well. </p>
<p>During the entire discussion about the IUI option and different protocols I asked him if he could recommend any type of supplements for me for egg quality, etc as well as anything that Ken could take to help with count and motility. Seriously, anything we can do to boost our chances I am definitely willing to look into or do. After talking about this with Ken, I feel he is on the same page with that. Anyway, I specifically mentioned something like FertilAid for Men. Anyone who has been on the TTC train for any amount of time has read about this supplement. I have always been curious after reading a ton of reviews on this stuff, but never really asked a specialist about it. He really didn’t have an opinion one way or the other and really didn’t think Ken needed any supplement help. I was kind of surprised by this actually. So, I have decided that I am going to invest in a bottle of the FertilAid for Men and have Ken take those for a few months. It certainly can’t hurt and it might even help our odds if it does what it says it does. </p>
<p>So, here we are. We have had 3 FET’s using 7 high quality embryos. We have gotten pregnant all three times, but we have never had a successful end to these pregnancies. How do we fix this? Is it going to take donor eggs or embryos or even donor sperm? I had this question on my list, but I was afraid to bring it up. I didn’t really want to think about that right now. Not that I am opposed to it, I just am not ready to go that route right now. I actually expected my doctor to mention this option to us, but when it wasn’t brought up by him, I just skipped over that question on my sheet. After all, if he didn’t feel the need to discuss it then I didn’t feel the need. </p>
<p>As you can probably tell, this appointment was more about “what direction we take” as opposed to “what the hell happened”. And as I mentioned, the topic of PGS (Pre-Genetic Screening also the same as PGD) came up a few times during our appointment. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this and I will tell you a few reasons why. First and foremost I feel that this is taking the science of IVF a little too far and almost playing the role of God. I mean to take an embryo and test a few cells to check some of the chromosome make up to determine if it is “normal” or abnormal kind of freaks me out a little. I feel that God doesn’t make mistakes and it’s not my job to choose between one embryo or the other and let’s face it, sometimes those tests aren’t 100% conclusive. Secondly, I know of several instances where women have had “genetically normal, PGS/PGD tested embryos put back and either NOT get pregnant or have an early loss as well. So, you spend the money and you do this test and yet it still fails. Which brings me to my third point regarding this pre-genetic screening… let’s say that we do this testing on our embryos and we transfer what they consider to be “perfectly normal” embryos that should result in a pregnancy and be right where we are now. It’s bad enough to know that your body isn’t letting you carry your baby to term (trust me, I’ve been there 3 times already), but I think that if I knew that the embryos themselves were perfect and yet it didn’t result in a take home baby it would be 100 times harder for me to deal with the emotions of that. </p>
<p>So, I of course mentioned these thoughts and feelings to Dr. M and explained to him exactly how I felt. His response kind of triggered something that made me want to research this a little more. He kind of flipped the coin on me and said, “ok, let’s just say that all the labs and testing we do on you and your husband come back clear and tell us absolutely nothing as to why this keeps happening to you. Then we do another IVF and FET and transfer two embryos that “look” perfect but we didn’t screen them, so we don’t know anything about them. And then you get that call you have gotten over and over again that you are pregnant, only to know in 4 weeks or so that you are losing the pregnancy. We would be right where we are now. Don’t you want answers? Wouldn’t you like to have some assurance that the embryos you are getting transferred have the best chance at a full term pregnancy?” Ugh…he just had to go there. But honestly, I’m glad that he laid it out like that. I told him that I would be thinking more about this option and Ken and I would discuss it closer to when time comes. But, I also told him that I really wanted to wait until all our labs were done and see if those showed anything that we were not aware of. </p>
<p>So, in conclusion I guess our first step will be to have the RPL panel done along with all the other tests that he believes we should get done. We do have to wait until my beta is down to 0 or below 5 before this can be done. Yesterday my level was still at 17 which seemed higher than I expected. The week before it was at 25, so it is dropping very slow. Dr. M mentioned that when the levels are falling they can kind of take their sweet time to get to 0. </p>
<p>In the meantime we are just going to take some time to ourselves and enjoy each other again. I will continue to do acupuncture and I started a new diet this past Saturday. As of today I have already lost 4 pounds! YAY. I want to focus on myself and not baby things for a little while. I will be ordering Ken some of the supplements and we can try for a natural miracle over the next few months. I might be attempting an IUI in June or July, but I don’t really want to rush into that decision now. </p>
MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-74370867342098148082014-03-12T13:48:00.004-04:002014-03-13T17:02:53.212-04:00Here we are again!Here we are again!
<p>When I last posted, it was just a few days prior to our cruise and I shared the fact that I had caved and taken an HPT and gotten a BFP. On Friday Feb 7th (just two days before we sailed away on our cruise) my nurse asked me to come in for a beta since I had gotten a couple of positive home pregnancy tests. That beta came back at 97 at 10dp5dt. We were excited, but of course cautiously optimistic. Remember, we have been here before and sadly those pregnancies ended early on.</p>
<p>We spent 7 glorious days aboard the Freedom of the Seas (Royal Caribbean) sailing to the eastern Caribbean to islands like St. Thomas and St. Maarten. This time we took our dear friends, Wayne and Debbie and this was their first cruise ever! We had some great times and some laughs together, and most importantly we got to relax.</p>
<p>Unlike the other cruises I have been on, I was extra careful because of my “condition”. I took the elevator everywhere even if just going up or down one level. I just didn’t want to come this far and do something silly to cause any issues. I made sure to rest every afternoon for a couple hours. This part wasn’t hard at all because I was so exhausted by mid-day and really needed that down time. I think Ken enjoyed that downtime as well. I even took special care to not drink anything caffeinated (sodas/teas) and didn’t eat lunch meat or seafood as I am well aware of those risks as well.</p>
<p>On our last night, I was getting ready for the show and dinner and noticed a tiny bit of “old blood” when I went to the restroom. Nothing heavy and nothing that I was really concerned about. After dinner though, when I went to the restroom there was some more blood when I wiped and this was more pink than brown. I let Ken know and we made the night short and went back to our cabin to bed. By 6am the next morning (debarkation day) the blood had completely stopped and there was NOTHING! There had hardly been anything to begin with, but now there was nothing and I felt so relieved. </p>
<p>During the long drive home from Port Canaveral to South Carolina we stopped often so I could use the restroom and every time I checked with caution and thankfully it seemed like the bleeding had stopped and my only conclusion was that it was just some irritation from the Crinone (vaginal progesterone). I felt fine, felt pregnant (symptom wise) and was sure all was going to be ok.</p>
<p>The next day, Monday Feb 17th I went in for another beta draw and that level came back at 730 (20dp5dt). It was up, but it should have been much higher. The doubling rate was over 82 hours. I knew that this couldn’t be a good sign. I thought about it and called the nurse back and asked to have the doctor call me. Shockingly my nurse was “ok” with these numbers and didn’t think I needed to come back until my ultrasound, but I just knew I needed to double check that level to make sure that it was in fact going up and not coming down.</p>
<p>The next day the doctor called me and understood my concerns given my history. He asked that I come back in the next day (22dpt) to have a follow up beta test. When the doctor called back with my numbers, I just knew it couldn’t be good and I was right. Those numbers came back at somewhere around 450. I just knew it was over. I’ve been here before, and with numbers falling like that I know that this is not going to have the outcome we had been praying for. After talking with the doctor, he asked that I stay on all my medications and come back on Friday (24dpt) for another check. He mentioned the possibility of a vanishing twin and gave me some hope…but I wasn’t so sure that things were going to be good. Friday’s beta was down to 273 (24dp5dt).</p>
<p>At this point I was ready to just throw in the towel. I knew that I felt the end was coming and that once again we were going to suffer another heartbreak. I was really surprised when the doctor asked that I stay on all meds and come in on Monday for an ultrasound. Maybe he was just trying to give me hope. Maybe he actually believed that everything was going to work out for us. Maybe he was just humoring me. I don’t know, but I trusted him. I still trust him. So I took his advice and stayed on all my meds. We would wait to see what Monday would bring and what an ultrasound would show.</p>
<p>On February 24th (6w4d) I went in for my ultrasound…</p>
<p>On the way to the clinic I prayed as hard as I can remember ever praying. I asked God for his will. I asked that if this wasn’t going to end the way we had hoped that he would protect my heart and my soul from the pain that would come. I told him I was “ok” with whatever shall be, but I also prayed that he would follow me into that ultrasound room and show off in a big and mighty way.</p>
<p>The ultrasound tech started and in came my doctor. The technician started by checking my ovaries and tubes. I’m sure that the first concern was that this could possibly be an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully…all was clear there. She then made her way down to my uterus and there was something…but I wasn’t sure what it was. My doctor and the tech took a good hard look and I remember turning to look at my doctor’s face to try and gauge his expressions. There was a smile…but what does that mean? Turns out, it was a gestational sac and fetal pole. No heartbeat was detected, but my doctor was not concerned by that and reassured me that it could just be too early for it to be heard or seen.</p>
<p>I was amazed, and gave glory to God for what we had just witnessed, but I knew that we were not in the clear just yet. I asked the doctor flat out what his thoughts/opinions were on this. His words put me at ease at the moment… “You’re pregnant! You have the makings of a viable pregnancy.” I can hear those words now as though they were just being said to me. No beta was checked that day, as the doctor didn’t feel the need after seeing the ultrasound, and looking back now I probably should have requested it, but I too was ok with what we had seen on the ultrasound and I really didn’t want to be in that beta hell any longer. It just screws with my mind too much. I was just given the instructions to stay on my meds and come back the following week for another ultrasound, which was actually supposed to be my initial ultrasound to begin with. This time I was going to make sure to have Ken there. I didn’t want him to miss a beat.</p>
<p>That week went by pretty slow, at least looking back now it seems like it was slow. I just couldn’t wait to get back to the doctor’s office to get another ultrasound to see this little jelly bean I had in my tummy. I had an acupuncture session in the middle of the week and shared my updates with my acupuncturist. She felt my pulse and I remember her telling me, “you are pregnant.” Apparently pregnant women have a distinctive pulse and she felt this strong pulse and once again I had hope that this was really going to work for us. I just held onto the faith that I so desperately have struggled with throughout this IF journey.</p>
<p>When Monday rolled around, Ken met me at the doctor for our appointment. Looking back, I think in my heart I kind of knew what was about to happen, but I think at the time I thought it was the devil playing with my emotions and testing my faith. I tried so hard to hang onto my faith and believe that God was giving us our hearts desire.</p>
<p>Ultrasound time –NOTHING! My heart sank.</p>
<p>How could this be? How can something that was there last week not be there now? I don’t understand. I’m angry and I’m just sick and tired of having these heartbreaks over and over again and no one can tell me why this keeps happening!
<p>I will say this, I know that I was led to come to this new clinic and that this doctor I am seeing is the right doctor for me. I truly believe that. His compassion for Ken and me during this loss/defeat is more than I could have ever expected and something that we both needed at the time. I don’t blame this doctor for our failed attempt. I don’t blame him for keeping me on medication when quite possibly any other doctor would have thrown in the towel. I actually praise him and appreciate the efforts he gave us and the faith he had for us even when my faith was far from where it should have been.</p>
<p>So where do we go from here? I have a laundry list of questions that I plan on asking him when I have that “What the heck” appointment next week. They are monitoring my beta to make sure it falls down to zero. This past Monday it was down to 25, so it is going the direction it is supposed to, even though it isn’t the direction I was hoping for.</p>
<p>At this point I just don’t know what our next move is. I am almost thinking that quite possibly this is an egg quality issue since the same thing keeps happening at roughly the same time. This is one of the many questions I will be asking the doctor next week.</p>
<p>As for how we are doing? Well, I keep telling those who ask me that I am doing ok. I guess I am doing ok, but I’m not where I should be, mentally. I am angry and hurt and confused and heartbroken. I feel at times that I am in this dark place or in the middle of a nightmare that I just cannot wake myself from. Really…how do women go through this time and time again? Surely I am not the only women who keep getting knocked down over and over again, but how much can one person take? How much can one couple take?</p>
<p>I do know one thing…when I told God that I was “ok” with whatever the outcome is with this…I was lying. I’m not ok with the fact that once again our hearts have been ripped out of our chest and stomped on.</p>
MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-22164919858170771032014-02-05T08:52:00.000-05:002014-02-05T08:52:13.833-05:00Ok, so I caved!Ok, so I did cave yesterday morning at 7dp5dt. Actually, technically it was 6 1/2 days past transfer since it was about 6am when I tested yesterday morning, but my transfer was at 1pm on the 28th.
I KNOW, I KNOW...I am being a little too technical.
Anyway, I POAS (FRER) and got a very light second line. It was light, but there was definitely a second line. I even took a few pictures of it with my phone, but the photo doesn't come out so good so I haven't included it with this post.
I have only one test left and plan on taking it on Friday morning which will be 10dpt.
We are being cautiously optomistic, or at least I am. DH has already said..."I KNEW THIS WAS IT!" Remember, we have been here before, but both times ended in heartbreak.
This time we are keeping our faith strong and believing this just is our time!MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-74431640024084128322014-01-31T16:34:00.002-05:002014-01-31T16:34:53.588-05:00We are PUPO!Tuesday went off without a hitch and actually was such a smooth and wonderful transfer that I can’t help but remain positive that this just might be our “third time is a charm” opportunity! DH and I were both able to sleep in, which was such a nice change to our normal week day routine. Normally my sweetie is out the door by 6:30 and on his way to work with that long 45 minute…if he is lucky, commute. I’m usually rolling out of our bed about that time and slowly getting myself showered and ready for work, but thankfully my commute is no more than 30 minutes…if I am lucky! Not today, however. We were able to sleep in till about 8 and then get ourselves together for what was going to be a very special day for us. We went to breakfast at this little mom and pop restaurant that we like to frequent. You know the kind…good food at great prices. Oh, and LOTS of food. Haha! We were able to sit and enjoy our meal and just watch those that you just know are the regulars there visit and converse with one another about what has been going on in their lives since the last time they saw one another. After breakfast we made a few stops and then made our way to my acupuncturist’s office. Since I had to be at the clinic at noon, I had made an 11am appointment for a 30 minute session prior to our transfer. That was probably the most relaxing session I have ever had, and trust me…that is saying a lot because they are always so relaxing for me. Once finished, it was off to the doctor’s office. I could go on with the details, but I won’t bore anyone with that. I will say however that the highlight for both DH and I was when the nurse brought him scrubs! WHAT? I asked her, “Does he get to go back with me for the procedure?” She was quite shocked that I asked that question…and simply responded, “Yes ma’am, this is a team effort and he belongs there!” This just made our day! I mean…once again, everything is so different than it was at that “other place”. I almost started crying right then knowing that he was going to get to be a part of this whole thing. Once we were dressed and ready, and I had been given my small dose of valium the rotating door of visitors came in to go over things with me. The doctor (Dr. “M”arvelous), the embryologist with a photo of our little embies, and the nurse who would be performing the ultrasound during the transfer. All of them…just simply wonderful. They were so caring and thoughtful and made the whole experience just more pleasant than the past two times before. The procedure itself went off without a hitch. First cathedar used worked just as the doctor had hoped. The uterus looked wonderful and those two little embies are now, hopefully and prayerfully, snuggling in for the next 9 months. After 30 minutes of rest there in recovery, we were discharged and I headed back to the acupuncturist. Now, after 2 ½ days of bedrest, I am back to work and feeling good. Keeping those prayers and positive thoughts surging through my mind. BETA is scheduled for Feb. 17th because of our cruise vacation. The nurse told me to take a test with me and do it while on vacation…but I think I am just going to wait until I get the blood test done this time. Of course, my feelings might change before then! I’ll keep you posted! <br />
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MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-81498118863963865112014-01-27T17:07:00.001-05:002014-01-27T17:07:32.549-05:00Tomorrow is the BIG Day!I can't believe that my transfer is tomorrow afternoon! It seems like it was just yesterday when I got my protocol to move forward with having a January transfer, and that was over a month ago! Where has the time gone?
I know, I know...we had the holidays and our trip to Florida to spend time with my dad, but seriously...IT'S ALREADY HERE?
Surprisingly though, I am completely at peace and not nearly as stressed as I was this time prior to my last two FET's. I'm not completely sure how that is possible. Any woman would be anxious right about now. I don't know, maybe it is the fact that in 2 weeks I will be on my cruise in total relaxation and I have been mostly concentrated on getting all the last minute details taken care of for that. Maybe it is because I have been doing acupuncture almost two times a month since August. Or maybe, and most likely the cause, this new RE and clinic is such a refreshing change since my last experiences. Matter of fact, I am sure that has a lot to do with it.
So, this time tomorrow...I will officially be PUPO!MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-46174276475881648232014-01-15T16:52:00.006-05:002014-01-15T16:52:56.854-05:00Less than 2 Weeks til FET! Well, today is CD7. Last Thursday Aunt Flo decided to make her appearance, and frankly was I excited and ready! I made my necessary call to the nurse to get my further instructions on what to do next. On CD1 (Last Thursday) I started the estrace (1 pill/day) and the dexamethasone (1 pill/day). I also started the Vivelle patches but unlike last time where I gradually increased my patches every other day until I was at 4 patches at once, I am only putting on 1 patch and changing it out every 3 days. I was told to continue on my lupron and then come in on Tuesday the 21st for my ultrasound lining check.
Wait...WHAT? I thought we had a tentative scheduled date of Jan. 20th for the transfer. Well, apparently I got pushed back a week since AF took it's sweet time to show up, even though I don't think it took that long (4 days since stopping BCPs).
Anyway, I will be going in bright and early next Tuesday to have my lining checked and hopefully moving on toward my FET on Monday, the 27th. I'm praying for a nice thick lining and that all looks well. This will be the first ultrasound since my surgery, so I am curious to see what the doctor has to say about it. The one thing that I am struggling with since this has been moved back a week is that it looks like I will have to wait until AFTER we get back from our cruise before I will get my BETA test done which would make it 21dp5dt. THAT'S RIGHT, not a 2WW but a 3WW! My nurse graciously gave me permission to take a HPT while on my cruise, but I swore those things off this go around. I want to do everything different than I had done the previous two times.
So...ladies, don't complain about having to wait 2 weeks, when I will have to wait 3! Just Kidding of course. I know how much of a struggle those 14 days can be. I have continued along with my acupuncture and plan on having a treatment before AND after my transfer. Again, all along with the "doing things completely different this go around" theme.MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-52168141482637607732014-01-03T17:04:00.001-05:002014-01-03T17:06:46.963-05:00Is It Really 2014?Goodness, It is so hard to believe that we are already into the 2014 year. It seems like I blinked and 2013 was done and over with.
The holidays were good for us this year. Instead of daddy dearest coming North to spend a couple weeks with us in the Carolinas, we did a switch up and went South to Florida to spend a few days with him. It was a long drive down on Christmas Eve since Ken and I both had to work. Thankfully I only had a 1/2 day, but my sweet hubby had to work almost a complete full day. His scrooge of a boss was nice enough to let him get off a whole hour and a half early, so we were on the road at about 4:30 getting us to dad's at 1am!
During our visit, I got to treat my hubby and my dad to a trip to the most magical place on earth.
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUfetKrV_G5orhvSnKkbWSEg2qQiFuWAX8miPnHSvVCo3Yx2LZ625ad2l_s10rSs-TW7rHzXeOnueQhiLxFgPR81wSc5hHJuLzKj7huaZ4v4as9w95OrqEhI5M13lkv-oC7I7AXyEZhrkK/s1600/Main+Street.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUfetKrV_G5orhvSnKkbWSEg2qQiFuWAX8miPnHSvVCo3Yx2LZ625ad2l_s10rSs-TW7rHzXeOnueQhiLxFgPR81wSc5hHJuLzKj7huaZ4v4as9w95OrqEhI5M13lkv-oC7I7AXyEZhrkK/s320/Main+Street.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ_hVOMSSaGfiaNHwIpcAByswrsl8wjM3svloUq1VLVIoV37OTpGYRxBpyhrXFQP2HandeI90uj2Trfu3hgbvqmh_gXIeKGJTccdxoDVcQn_RshL62efcQ3pJU4Uirp5b4OPMpimG_33O1/s1600/Mickey+and+Minnie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ_hVOMSSaGfiaNHwIpcAByswrsl8wjM3svloUq1VLVIoV37OTpGYRxBpyhrXFQP2HandeI90uj2Trfu3hgbvqmh_gXIeKGJTccdxoDVcQn_RshL62efcQ3pJU4Uirp5b4OPMpimG_33O1/s320/Mickey+and+Minnie.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh68vzqx_EAabRuMBnWq2EgKQfJ20oM3GyBr9DU4BVD1DhCCmvlac79bf7bFFO3vxz8S9f8h26cNtBSjEjFvuWmGRkB4uFWnFVyC8qa_OapsXT-5EVoZX6DHOICsdxSW4clzQ7kcNNPgMk2/s1600/Ice+Castle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh68vzqx_EAabRuMBnWq2EgKQfJ20oM3GyBr9DU4BVD1DhCCmvlac79bf7bFFO3vxz8S9f8h26cNtBSjEjFvuWmGRkB4uFWnFVyC8qa_OapsXT-5EVoZX6DHOICsdxSW4clzQ7kcNNPgMk2/s320/Ice+Castle.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVF6laXdzoUCjn4SS8HvTEjj4cmbvPjt5A72yLvdEr-_UJN97e_KsNSKSClDwTMT2YwxV4UUxKfvKc4B7OhyphenhyphenkvwW4ppv9qAyiavBFexBhCb7GamDF2lm9Q-MReS0TGSMWXygAF8Mwwa1pT/s1600/Electrical+Parade.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVF6laXdzoUCjn4SS8HvTEjj4cmbvPjt5A72yLvdEr-_UJN97e_KsNSKSClDwTMT2YwxV4UUxKfvKc4B7OhyphenhyphenkvwW4ppv9qAyiavBFexBhCb7GamDF2lm9Q-MReS0TGSMWXygAF8Mwwa1pT/s320/Electrical+Parade.jpg" /></a></div>
That was really the most excitement that we had during our short visit with dad, and boy was it a full day! I think I wore Ken out with all the walking and rides and shows and showing him around the place. Of course he had been there before, but never at Christmas, which is definitely a must see! Oh, the three of us did go to the movies on Christmas afternoon to see Saving Mr. Banks. If you have not seen this movie, I highly recommend it! We all really enjoyed it. Tom Hanks plays and awesome Walt Disney.
So, for the New Year we laid pretty low. We went to see a movie, Anchorman 2 and then dinner. We were home before 9pm and stayed up to watch the ball drop and then off to bed. I think we are getting old, but Ken just says he doesn't like to be out with the "amateurs".
Oh, and to kick the new year off just right, I started my first injection of Lupron on the 1st! My last BCP will be tomorrow evening and then we await AF. We are officially getting this show started people, so stay tuned for more excitement.MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-2333355947148727592013-11-25T14:32:00.004-05:002013-11-25T14:34:43.828-05:00It's Thanksgiving Week!For those of us struggling with infertility, sometimes it can be hard for some to find things to be thankful about. Heck, whenever we go through a valley or storm we find a hard time being anything but frustrated, defeated, angry and distraught. The one thing to remember is to always look for something positive. Believe me, there is ALWAYS something positive!
We are strong women. I mean, we must be strong to be “selected” to go through this journey of infertility. We take the struggles and we get knocked down and we keep getting up and moving forward. For some, this journey might last only a year or two. For some like me, it seems never ending when you have been going through this for over 15 years.
There are often obstacles that we must overcome, and many times the devil is right there in our ear getting us discouraged and making us feel defeated. But, we have to keep our eye on the prize! There IS a light at the end of every tunnel. We are being molded into the “mothers” and women that God wants us to be. Maybe we need to grow our patience, or maybe we need to have our faith tested and or strengthened. Maybe, just maybe it isn’t quite our time yet, for one reason or another. I know, I know…we hate even the thought of it not being the right time. But remember, it isn’t OUR time, but HIS! Also remember that he is taking extra special care and time in creating our beautiful babies to be.
It is so hard to not know “why” we have these struggles. We want to know why and we constantly as that question. But, it is not our place to know why. God has a plan. It’s his divine plan, and he is going to work it out for our good. Trust that he knows the desires of our hearts! He knows our hearts better than anyone.
<i>“For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.” – Habakkuk 1:5 </i>
So, for this Thanksgiving, I encourage you to find the good in the bad, the silver lining in your grey clouds, and the positive to the negative. Just be thankful! Thankful for your spouse who is going through these same fertility struggles with you. Sometimes it is easy to forget that they hurt through this too. Be thankful for your family and friends who are there for you. Thankful for the warm, cozy home you have especially during these cold days and nights we are having. Be thankful for your job (if you have one) because many out there are out of work and having a hard time finding anything.
Most importantly, be thankful to God for what he is doing and about to do in your life! MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-28879831716784937302013-11-21T20:55:00.000-05:002013-11-21T20:55:46.009-05:00Finally...a date!Well, today happens to be cycle day 1, and as instructed by my doctor I called my nurse to find out what our game plan was going to be. After a long wait for a call back from my nurse, we have a plan and a tentative date for our upcoming FET.<br />
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January 20th looks like our date and although it seems like forever away I think the next 8 weeks are going to fly by, especially with the holidays coming.<br />
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The one thing that makes me a little nervous is that this transfer will be a little less than 3 weeks prior to our cruise we have coming up in February, but on the positive side of that we should have our beta the week before we cruise and our ultrasound the week following our cruise. Of course this all depending on us being successful...BUT, we have made a vow to keep everything positive and believe and claim that this is OUR TIME!MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-90107675956223332902013-10-16T17:28:00.002-04:002013-10-16T17:28:24.861-04:00One Week Post Surgery...and still hanging on!Well, I know it has been a little while since I have updated and to be honest, although I was home last week to recovery from my surgery...blogging or ANYTHING online for that matter was the furthest thing from my mind. Let's rewind... The weekend prior to my surgery was still feeling ok, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't anxious about what was looming over my head. I knew that in just a few short days I would be knocked out with some anesthesia and wake up with <i>some</i> pain. The Saturday prior to surgery was definitely a busy one. We had 6 homes lined up to look at with our real estate agent and we were planning on meeting him at 9:45 that morning. It seemed like every house we looked out just wasn't what we were looking for. Oh how I have learned that photos can be so deceiving. Then finally....the last house. This was a house that we tried to view about a month ago, but in a surprised was taken off the market the day before our scheduled showing. It hadn't been put under contract, but I guess the contract with the sellers agent had expired and they decided not to relist or renew with them. I was bummed at the time but just chalked it up to "not being meant to be." After all, it is just a house, right. There are plenty others out there for sale. Anyway, it had come back on the market and we had lined it up to view that day and when we got there...just walking down the drive way...it just felt like home. Once inside that feeling only got stronger and I felt like this was the house for us. Surprisingly, it didn't have a grand kitchen or a big beautiful master bath like I had always said I wanted. Instead, it had almost an acre of land filled with big beautiful mature trees, lots of big beautiful windows, a beautiful sunroom, a screen porch and a deck! Seriously...this was what was winning me over! DH loved it too, and we spent almost an hour at this place just looking at all the possibilities and what it would be like for us to live there and make it a home. One the drive home, we kept talking about how our dogs would love the yard and the sun room and how I would enjoy spending time out on the screen porch or entertaining there. I was at a point where I was ready to call the agent to make an offer...then reality came through that sounded like my husband. "It only has 2 bedrooms technically, so what if we get pregnant with twins?" Um, ok...let's think this through. First, are we really having this conversation now? And two, we surely can make this work, right? LOL Yes, it has two bedrooms, but there is also a loft. Granted, our thoughts were to make the loft into an office, but surely we can't make it work right? Ugh..... all the thoughts that were being discussed that afternoon were mind numbing. My brain was starting to hurt. After our house viewings, we drove on down to my inlaws in Lancaster and visited with them. We are very close with them and usually go to visit them every other weekend (use to be every weekend, but I had to put a stop to that because nothing was getting done at our house). My father in law, who is very tender-hearted was almost afraid to let go of me when he gave me hug before we left them because of my upcoming surgery. They felt so bad that they weren't going to be able to come be with me afterward. Trust me though, I was perfectly fine with not having them there. I wanted to have time to heal and was really looking forward to some down time. I can't even remember all that we did on Sunday. I know that I wanted to catch up with my laundry and some housework, but there wasn't really anything that exciting enough to remember. However, Sunday night we went to dinner with some friends who are in our Sunday School class. We are very close with this couple and are actually cruising with them in February. We got to talking over dinner, and my girlfriend said..."Do you think your dad is going to come up for your surgery?" I told her that I had thought he might, but then again, he really didn't act like he was going to be able to make the trip. He is in Florida after all and retired which means...fixed budget. I didn't want him to come all this way. Her response was that she wouldn't be surprised if he showed up, because she knows how he has done that in the past. On the way home from dinner I told DH that he should call my dad and find out what his plans were and to tell him that he really didn't need to come up and that I would be fine. We got home and something told me that I should put clean/fresh sheets on the guest bed in case he did show up. While I was doing that...someone knocked on my door. IT WAS MY DADDY! I LOVE THAT MAN! On Monday I had my pre-op appointment which was actually the first time that DH met Dr. M and I have to admit that I was a little nervous about this. What if he didn't like him? What if... Dr. M explained the procedure to us and told me to expect about a 3 hour surgery. What they were going to do, and what kind of incisions I would have. Then he tells me, I suggest you have a liquid/clear diet tonight. WHAT??? You can't do that to me. I was hoping to have a really good dinner. My dad is here, my neighbors are going to dinner with us...please tell me I can have a real dinner. His response...basically "NOPE"! So, where did we go? Jason's Deli...and I had chicken noodle soup. Blah... SURGERY DAY! Who likes to be up at 4:00am? Not me. But I had to be at the surgery center at 5:30, which meant leaving my house at 4:45. I wanted to get a nice hot shower because I knew it would be a while before I could truly enjoy that again. Surgery was a 7:30, and it lasted not 3 hours, but almost 4. You can imagine DH was going stir crazy waiting to find out what was going on. But, Dr. M came out and spent some time with him and my dad and told him that everything went great. The fibroid was a lot larger than they anticipated because it was tucked behind the uterus as well. He showed them some hi def photos that I am looking forward to see when I go for my follow up appointment in a couple weeks. We got home, I made camp on the couch and had some good sleep on Tuesday thanks to the anesthesia. Dad stayed up all night with me Tuesday night in case I needed to get up and go to the restroom. AGAIN, I LOVE THIS MAN! On Wednesday I felt like I had been hit by a mac truck. I hurt so bad and was very uncomfortable. Any time I got up and down I was almost in tears. Nothing would satisfy my appetite no matter how hard my dad tried. Wendesday night dad stayed up with me again so he could help me get up to go to the bathroom and to lower me down onto the couch. I just couldn't do any of this on my own. Who knew that your stomach muscles would be so affected. DUH moment there. Thursday was a little better. I was actually able to make it up the stairs and sleep in my own bed, but since I have an Icomfort bed (memory foam) it was so hard to get into the bed and I'm sure quite commical. Friday we had tickets to see Zac Brown at Verizon Amphitheater. I tried to give them away when I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go or at least up to going and I couldn't find anyone to take them. So, silly me decides to go anyway because I wasn't about to throw away $140 which is what I paid for the tickets. So, my neighbor let us use his handicap thing so we could park close...thank goodness, and we got in and sat in our seats. The opening acts were horrible in our opinion and we stayed to hear about 4 songs from ZBB and then I looked at DH and said, I think we need to go. He of course was more than willing because he was really worried about me. Flash forward, and Monday I went to work and was able to make it 7 hours. Then I made it all day yesterday and today. I'm getting better. Still slow moving and tender, but each day is progress and I'm so glad that it is over with. Now two months of healing before moving forward with our FET. But looking back, this was truly the best thing for us to do. Once I have my follow up with Dr. M I will have more detail information regarding what he found and what was done. But the pathology has come back already and praise the Lord...it was NORMAL!MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-10514714406478461052013-09-20T11:27:00.000-04:002013-09-20T11:27:01.089-04:00We Interrupt this regularly scheduled FET...So, Monday I went in for my Trial Transfer and hydrosonography. Trial Transfer went well, but something didn't look right on my ultrasound. Right there...slap on the side of my uterus, a 6cm fibroid! Wait...what? 6cm? Last time I had an ultrasound in that area (of course that was 2 years ago) it was only 3 cm. Yep, something that I wasn't expecting to get slapped in the face with, but here we are. The doctor says that he can almost guarantee that this is the culprit to our miscarriages and suggests that we have it removed before we move forward with our FET. It's hard to say how I am feeling, because I have a ton of emotions about this. I think my first emotion was anger when I heard that this stinking fibroid was probably the cause of our losses because I distinctly remember asking my prior RE if this would hinder our chances, to which he said "Many women have fibroids and this won't interfere with implantation!" Well, duh of course it didn't hinder implantation, but many studies prove that it does lead to pre-term labor, infertility AND miscarriages along with still births. Heck, this stinking thing should have been removed ages ago. I was also quite anxious and nervous about this news. The thought of a 6cm growth on my uterus that is going to requite surgery to remove? SURGERY? The only surgery I have ever had was having my tonsils and adenoids removed when I was a child. Although I was under anesthesia for my IVF Egg Retrieval I hardly call that surgery. Now, here I am facing the thought of being put under for what I have been told is a 3 hour procedure? I'm going to have little incisions on my tummy? And, although it is an outpatient surgery, I am going to have a rough week of recovery? Ugh...yes, to say I am a little scared would be an understatement. But I have to remember that God is in control. I think most importantly, the biggest emotion I am feeling now that I have a had a few days to let this sit and marinate with me is relief, understanding and that "ah-ha" moment. See, when you are told over and over again "We just don't know why you continue to have these miscarriages" it will about drive you insane. You know there has to be a reason, and yet no one seems to be able to give you that reason you are searching for. Now...thanks to Dr. M, I have an answer that I am ok with. One that truly makes sense to me without me pretending that it makes sense. I have once again the renewed faith that I am at the right place for us to be for this last shot at parenthood. This last shot with our two precious snow babies. And knowing that this doctor wants to be proactive and give me the best possible chance makes me more confident than ever that taking this break to get rid of this fibroid is worth putting our dream off just a few more months.MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-49784490140951324672013-09-07T19:11:00.002-04:002013-09-07T19:11:26.291-04:00Night and DayIs what it is like with my new doctor! I can't even begin to tell you how much I have enjoyed this transition and how much at peace I am with this final attempt. From the embryologist to the nursing staff to the front desk girls, this compassion is what I would hope that every women who is going through this journey gets to experience with their RE and clinic. Unfortunately for me, at my previous RE there was no good bedside manner, there was truly not sincere compassion and I felt like I was only just a number to them. But here, here at a place that just wraps you in their arms (literally, the nurse hugged me the first time she met me) I know this is where I should be and probably where I should have been 3 years ago when I started this route in my infertility journey. But, I am not going to dwell on what was and only focus on what is and will be. Hopefully next week or the following my little snow babies will be picked up and moved to WI and put to bed for just a short time until I can get to my transfer.MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-89467615027769416322013-09-05T21:46:00.003-04:002013-09-05T21:46:46.643-04:00Here we go again...It has been quite a while since I have updated my blog and even longer since it has been anything fertility related, but since I now have some news to actually update those who follow my blog I thought that I needed to get back into the swing of things.
The update is that we are starting up to do one last FET with our remaining "snow babies". Because of my lack of confidence in my past RE, we decided to switch things up a bit and get a second opinion from another local clinic here in Charlotte. We chose The Women's Istitute and Dr. Marshburn.
Since my consult with him on August 21st, we have pretty much been going full steam. He double checked my thyroid since Dr. C had put me on that previously. Low and behold my values were right where they should be according to Dr. M's nurse. Instructions were to stay on the Levothyroxin...it must be doing it's job! Dr. M also prescribed prometrium to help start up a cycle since mine tend to be a little absent when they shouldn't be. After 7 days of that along with the acupuncture treatments that I started the end of July AF showed her face this past Friday night making Saturday, August 31st CD1. YAY.
Oh, but did I mention that we had an out of state wedding to go to over the weekend so that was just a delight to deal with while away and spending time in the car for 4 hours! Ha~
Anyway, I digress...unlike my prior clinic, this office actually closes for the weekends and holidays. Don't get me wrong, they do have a doctor on call, but it definitely isn't like my old clinic where if you start your period over the weekend, you can still come in for labs and an ultrasound if needed. I went ahead and called Saturday morning and thankfully Dr. M happened to be the doctor on call. He first told me to come into the office Tuesday morning for labs, but then retracted and told me to call his nurse Tuesday morning to see if I do need to come in.
Long story short, I ended up going in during my lunch hour on Tuesday to get labs (only because my insurance requires it) and then I got my protocol and schedule for this FET. Yes....ALREADY! Talk about a big shock when she told me to start taking BCPs Tuesday night.
So, here I am just 3 days into this and more than ready to get things rolling. It does seem that I will be on a long extended protocol (again because of the schedules for treatments at this clinic). It looks like my transfer will be the last week in October which makes 56 days from start to finish. On my past two transfers they were only about 41 days or 6 weeks from start of BCPs to transfer. I'm interested to see how this all pans out.
But, since I actually have a reason to update I will be back quite often to let you know our progress...and as always, your prayers and thoughts are so greatly appreciated during this time.
MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-83485181321384548732013-02-19T13:16:00.001-05:002013-02-19T13:16:29.790-05:00Still juicingI'm at work, but just wanted to give an update real quick.<br />
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I'm still juicing and so is DH. All is going well and the weight is finally coming off at a rate where others are noticing, not just me! I'm feeling so great and have amazing energy these days.<br />
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I do think that I will be deleting this blog though...just seems that I don't have anything "fertility related" to blog about these days. Hopefully that will change in the coming months when I have the insurance to be able to do one last FET, but I feel kind of weird having a fertility blog with nothing to blog about.<br />
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MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-91027387393247984892013-01-29T21:52:00.000-05:002013-01-29T21:52:16.504-05:00Juicing my way out of PCOS and maybe to a baby?Is it possible? Juicing to "reboot" your body?<br />
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Of course we probably all remember those infomercials years ago with Jack LaLanne and his Power Juicer and all the health benefits that he tried to impress onto us.<br />
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Back then I didn't really pay much attention, but I should have. Shoot, the man lived to be 97 I believe and was probably the healthiest person I ever saw at that age!<br />
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A few days ago I was doing some random searching online on different fertility boards and came across a forum somewhere regarding juicing to help aid in fertility. The original poster mentioned that after watching a documentary called <b><a href="http://fatsickandnearlydead.com/" target="_blank">Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead</a></b> on Netflix, they felt inspired to start a juice detox, and then comment after comment women started speaking of their success with juicing and getting their BFPs or getting their irregular cycles to become regular again.<br />
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Of course this peeked my interest so I had to get my hands on this documentary or find it online. We don't have Netflix, so my fabulous DH found it on <a href="http://www.hulu.com/" target="_blank">Hulu</a> and we sat down together last night and watched it. All I can say.....<br />
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WOW!<br />
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I think that everyone needs to watch this movie....SERIOUSLY!<br />
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In short, this man Joe Cross who was overweight and suffering from some health issues went on a 60 juicing detox. By the end of the 60 days he had lost 84 pounds and then was able to get off all his medications. He also got another guy who was over 400 pounds who ended up losing 91 pounds in 60 days and also was able to get off his medications.<br />
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It got me to thinking...there is really something to this, something that makes a whole heck of a lot of sense. I was just about to tell DH that I was going to do this, when he looked at me and said, "I think we both should do this!" I was totally shocked that he was on board with this, especially since he doesn't have a lot of weight he needs to lose. He did say that we needed to wait until after Super Bowl! LOL<br />
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So, starting next Monday we will be doing a juice detox. We are starting with a realistic goal and planning on doing 10 days of juicing for all our meals as a detox. Depending on how those 10 days go we will either continue or stop, however we will continue to eat differently...HEALTHY!<br />
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Now, it goes without saying that I am not a doctor, and I can't tell anyone what to do. I suggest that you consult your doctor before you start any kind of detox, especially juice detoxing. Thankfully DH and I are relatively healthy with the exception of my PCOS and being slightly overweight so we are good to go with this juicing period. But, should you think about doing this yourself, please check with your doctor first.<br />
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I have got to tell you that I am so incredibly excited and pumped to try this. I can't wait to tell you all about it.MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-61663400077668990652013-01-16T20:38:00.000-05:002013-01-16T20:38:09.749-05:00It's a New Year...welcome 2013Well, it has been quite a long time since I blogged, and mostly cause the holiday's have been quite a hectic time in our home. We also haven't been doing ANYTHING on the TTC front. Matter of fact, we have done nothing the entire year of 2012. It's almost hard to believe that we had a whole year...12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days of absolutely NO fertility treatment.<br />
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Part of me is ok with taking this long of a break, part of me is disgusted that I let an entire year go by and didn't do anything to move closer to my hopes of having a baby.<br />
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WHY did I go without any treatment this year? Well, mainly for one reason and that one reason only...I have had no insurance to cover any type of treatments and medication. PERIOD. It's sad to base the fact of not moving forward with treatment on the fact that I had no insurance, but that is basically what it boils down too.<br />
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SO, with that being said, hopefully once I go permanent with this job I have been working (only for the past 7 months) then I will have insurance be able to start moving forward.<br />
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PLAN- Transfer those last two snow babies that we have.<br />
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Here's to a more productive 2013 than 2012.MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-25467574646403882462012-09-28T21:04:00.000-04:002012-09-28T21:06:20.339-04:004 YearsFour years...that's how long I have been married to my dear sweet husband as of yesterday.<br />
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Four years we have been trying to conceive our own beautiful little baby but still we're empty handed.<br />
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For 2 years we have gone through heartbreak after heartbreak of BFN's, BFP's and miscarriages.<br />
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For 15 years I have been struggling with PCOS and on a journey to conceive and not sure if I will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel.<br />
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For the love of God, is it too much to ask to have a baby of our own?MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-56387878792865754502012-09-23T16:45:00.001-04:002012-09-23T16:45:53.610-04:00Talking into spaceSometimes I wonder if anyone really is there.<br />
Last week there were quite a bit of views, even though not many comments, but today I see only 4 views of my last post, and I'm convinced that a couple of those were me anyway, when I was working on my layout adjustments. So today...I blog, but I am sure I am just talking into space. Is anyone there? Anybody?<br />
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It's Sunday, which means Football in our house. I did manage to get DH out a little bit earlier today. We just kind of goofed around checking out the new Whole Foods in the area (I love that store) and walking around one of the malls in the area. Eventually though, we made it back home without spending much money which is a good thing when you are putting money away to save for another FET. I did buy a few new lamp shades for our living room lamps, so that was a high light. Silly, I know but as much as I like to make decor changes around the home front, something little like lamp shades which are inexpensive but make a noticeable change make my day.<br />
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So now, with a big pot of Cabbage Soup on the stove (yes, I'm starting that diet tomorrow), and the sound of football in the distance I'm guessing my evening is going to consist of nothing super exciting.<br />
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Work tomorrow!MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-50897958050016896732012-09-17T21:33:00.000-04:002012-09-17T21:33:28.751-04:00A New StepLately I have been thinking about my two little embies that have been frozen for what seems like an eternity. It's been over a year since my last transfer and almost a year since our miscarriage and I feel like I have almost been at a stand still. I'm hoping this is common place when going through something like IVF, infertility, embryo transfer, miscarriages, etc and that I am not the only one.<br />
Part of my thinking has been whether to move forward with the clinic I have been going to or should I look elsewhere. I know that many bloggers don't want to mention who their clinic's are or their doctors and yet I don't mind at all . I know that when I have scoured the internet looking for others who have been on this journey, it is interesting to me to see exactly the difference between one clinic and/or doctor to another. So, for those of you who are curious that might come across my blog in YOUR research, I have been a patient at REACH here in Charlotte. It is a relatively large private practice and some day I might feel do a blog post strictly on my clinic, but for the purpose of this post, I will refrain from going though any more detail than that.<br />
So, back to my recent thoughts. I feel that I am ready to revisit the options for us and transfering the last two snow babies we have. DH and I have been talking about our past experience with REACH, and I just was not left with a good feeling the last time I was in that office, October 5th, 2012. I feel like I was just a number to the clinic, and although we got pregnant with both transfers, we were not able to sustain the pregnancies for which my RE was not able to explain why. <br />
Trust me, I know that with this struggle of infertility there is rarely any rhyme or reason and seldom answers to our questions, but I just felt that there should have been some changes to our protocol from one transfer to the next and definitely some more personal care and better bedside manner.<br />
So today, a new step...forward I hope. I called a new clinic this afternoon here in the Queens city and I was very impessed and intrigued with the lady I spoke to. I am not sure if she was a nurse, an office manager or maybe just a receptionist, but she took more time with me on my simple phone call today than I would have ever expected a clinic to take with someone who had never even stepped foot into their practice. One thing that intrigues me is that unlike my current clinic, they are NOT privately owned but are operated by the main hospital here. I think that would make a difference, a better difference.<br />
Anyway, I definitely have something to think about. I think that it would be extremely beneficial to have one of their doctors review my file and have a consult. There are so many questions I would like to ask and to get a second opinion. The one big question right now is to know what the cost would be to transfer my embyos from one clinic to the other. Distance really isn't a problem because the are less than a mile away from each other. My concern would be any damage to them during the transition from one place to the other.<br />
One funny note, I found out that the financial counselor I dealt with at my current clinic has since moved to this other practic. I just found that quite interesting.MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1218752780737240508.post-30606167335599902822012-09-13T18:55:00.001-04:002012-09-13T18:55:03.440-04:00Feeling Inspired~Thank youWhen I came on tonight I wasn't really expecting any views from my <a href="http://journey2conceive.blogspot.com/2012/09/one-year-later.html?zx=82751499d8c95aeb" target="_blank">"One Year Late"</a> post, and then come to find three comments. To many that isn't much, but to me...it really helped to make my day, and what a day it has been. I had to get up super early to take my sweet neighbors to the airport for their much needed vacation. I was up and out of bed at 4am and ready to go by 4:45! Surprisingly I woke up without any hesitation which is a big deal for me because I'm not a morning person. I was sitting at my desk at work by 6:30 this morning (my work day normally starts at 8:30).<br />
As I sat in my office today at work my phone vibrates, and when I checked it I instantly had a smile on my face. My dad just learned how to text from his cell phone...<br />
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Dad: "I love you"<br />
Me: "Aww, I love you too. You just made my day!"<br />
Dad: "U always make mine"<br />
Me: "You're the best."<br />
Dad: "No, God's the best"<br />
Me: "UR right, but ur a close second!"<br />
Dad: "Blessings to u"<br />
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Yes, I am a true daddy's girl. He raised me for goodness sake, so we were pretty close. Just getting that text today let me know it was going to be a good day, no matter how tired I might be or the work load I might have. Then, to come onto my blog to find that some people actually read my post update and that they thought even more to comment. <br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-size: x-large;">Thank You!</span></div>
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So, you have inspired me...to really keep up with my blog again and to share my story. Knowing that someone is interested, cares...even if just a handful, makes such a difference. I really do enjoy blogging and vlogging and am excited to share my trials, tribulations, experiences.<br />
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By the way, I see that there are some changes to blogspot so please bare with me as I get my layout and design the way I want it.MrsKChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13877758542496804489noreply@blogger.com1