4 Years

Four years...that's how long I have been married to my dear sweet husband as of yesterday.

Four years we have been trying to conceive our own beautiful little baby but still we're empty handed.

For 2 years we have gone through heartbreak after heartbreak of BFN's, BFP's and miscarriages.

For 15 years I have been struggling with PCOS and on a journey to conceive and not sure if I will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel.

For the love of God, is it too much to ask to have a baby of our own?

Talking into space

Sometimes I wonder if anyone really is there.
Last week there were quite a bit of views, even though not many comments, but today I see only 4 views of my last post, and I'm convinced that a couple of those were me anyway, when I was working on my layout adjustments. So today...I blog, but I am sure I am just talking into space. Is anyone there? Anybody?

It's Sunday, which means Football in our house. I did manage to get DH out a little bit earlier today. We just kind of goofed around checking out the new Whole Foods in the area (I love that store) and walking around one of the malls in the area. Eventually though, we made it back home without spending much money which is a good thing when you are putting money away to save for another FET. I did buy a few new lamp shades for our living room lamps, so that was a high light. Silly, I know but as much as I like to make decor changes around the home front, something little like lamp shades which are inexpensive but make a noticeable change make my day.

So now, with a big pot of Cabbage Soup on the stove (yes, I'm starting that diet tomorrow), and the sound of football in the distance I'm guessing my evening is going to consist of nothing super exciting.

Work tomorrow!

A New Step

Lately I have been thinking about my two little embies that have been frozen for what seems like an eternity. It's been over a year since my last transfer and almost a year since our miscarriage and I feel like I have almost been at a stand still. I'm hoping this is common place when going through something like IVF, infertility, embryo transfer, miscarriages, etc and that I am not the only one.
Part of my thinking has been whether to move forward with the clinic I have been going to or should I look elsewhere. I know that many bloggers don't want to mention who their clinic's are or their doctors and yet I don't mind at all . I know that when I have scoured the internet looking for others who have been on this journey, it is interesting to me to see exactly the difference between one clinic and/or doctor to another. So, for those of you who are curious that might come across my blog in YOUR research, I have been a patient at REACH here in Charlotte. It is a relatively large private practice and some day I might feel do a blog post strictly on my clinic, but for the purpose of this post, I will refrain from going though any more detail than that.
So, back to my recent thoughts. I feel that I am ready to revisit the options for us and transfering the last two snow babies we have. DH and I have been talking about our past experience with REACH, and I just was not left with a good feeling the last time I was in that office, October 5th, 2012. I feel like I was just a number to the clinic, and although we got pregnant with both transfers, we were not able to sustain the pregnancies for which my RE was not able to explain why.
Trust me, I know that with this struggle of infertility there is rarely any rhyme or reason and seldom answers to our questions, but I just felt that there should have been some changes to our protocol from one transfer to the next and definitely some more personal care and better bedside manner.
So today, a new step...forward I hope. I called a new clinic this afternoon here in the Queens city and I was very impessed and intrigued with the lady I spoke to. I am not sure if she was a nurse, an office manager or maybe just a receptionist, but she took more time with me on my simple phone call today than I would have ever expected a clinic to take with someone who had never even stepped foot into their practice. One thing that intrigues me is that unlike my current clinic, they are NOT privately owned but are operated by the main hospital here. I think that would make a difference, a better difference.
Anyway, I definitely have something to think about. I think that it would be extremely beneficial to have one of their doctors review my file and have a consult. There are so many questions I would like to ask and to get a second opinion. The one big question right now is to know what the cost would be to transfer my embyos from one clinic to the other. Distance really isn't a problem because the are less than a mile away from each other. My concern would be any damage to them during the transition from one place to the other.
One funny note, I found out that the financial counselor I dealt with at my current clinic has since moved to this other practic. I just found that quite interesting.

Feeling Inspired~Thank you

When I came on tonight I wasn't really expecting any views from my "One Year Late" post, and then come to find three comments. To many that isn't much, but to me...it really helped to make my day, and what a day it has been. I had to get up super early to take my sweet neighbors to the airport for their much needed vacation. I was up and out of bed at 4am and ready to go by 4:45! Surprisingly I woke up without any hesitation which is a big deal for me because I'm not a morning person. I was sitting at my desk at work by 6:30 this morning (my work day normally starts at 8:30).
As I sat in my office today at work my phone vibrates, and when I checked it I instantly had a smile on my face. My dad just learned how to text from his cell phone...

Dad: "I love you"
Me: "Aww, I love you too. You just made my day!"
Dad: "U always make mine"
Me: "You're the best."
Dad: "No, God's the best"
Me: "UR right, but ur a close second!"
Dad: "Blessings to u"

Yes, I am a true daddy's girl. He raised me for goodness sake, so we were pretty close. Just getting that text today let me know it was going to be a good day, no matter how tired I might be or the work load I might have. Then, to come onto my blog to find that some people actually read my post update and that they thought even more to comment.

Thank You!

So, you have inspired me...to really keep up with my blog again and to share my story. Knowing that someone is interested, cares...even if just a handful, makes such a difference. I really do enjoy blogging and vlogging and am excited to share my trials, tribulations, experiences.

By the way, I see that there are some changes to blogspot so please bare with me as I get my layout and design the way I want it.

One Year Later

My oh my it has been ages since my last blog post, as well as my last youtube vlog. I don't even know how many followers I still have. At this point, they have already probably given up on me, which I totally understand. With that being said I'm debating whether to start a whole new blog completely or just pick up again here. Decisions, decisions.

Things have been so crazy this year and I just haven't been able to put forth the effort to share any of my TTC story and blog or do video like I would hope. Honestly, I just haven't had anything to report on that front, and therefore no inspiration to write. Even after starting my FB TTC page, I just don't feel lead to post anything, even though I check in there regularly with the rest of this community from heartbreaks of BNF's and losses to elation with BFPs and births. I see God working, and know he is working...I just haven't felt it in my realm lately, and I don't like admitting that.

Looking back, a year ago I was in my TWW (two week wait) after my last FET (frozen embryo transfer). I remember being so cautious and so relaxed during that time. I prayed daily that God would answer our hearts desire and make us parents. We just couldn't believe that he would make us go through the heartbreak of another BFN or even worse, another miscarriage. By 6 days past transfer I was already getting BFPs on every HPT I took, and since we put back 3 blasts we felt pretty good that odds were in our favor this time. Then sadly, that pregnancy ended up with another miscarriage. We were left with that huge cloud over our heads and the big question...WHY?
Now, this year we had 2 failed adoption attempts and we haven't been back to the RE since October last year when we had our loss.
I am still holding out hope, but I won't lie...it is fading with every wacky cycle I have. Don't get me wrong, my faith is not fading in God, because I trust him. I'm just losing hope that I am ever going to be a mom.

Two weeks working under my belt

Well, today started week three of my new job. I absolutely love being back on the work force and am enjoying my job, the company and the people I work with. Unfortunately since it has been so long since I have been in a work environment, I ended up getting sick last week so I have been battling that since Wednesday.
Things have been neglected since starting the job...housework, my love of cooking big elaborate meals for dinner, and my blogging and vlogging and Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest; oh how I miss my social networking communities. I'm hoping that I can soon find my groove and find time to do everything since I enjoy everything.
I have been wrapped up in the phenom of "Fifty Shades of Grey" and now that I am on the third book, I am wondering what I am going to do when I get to that last page. I could do what my cousin-in-law is doing and start reading them all over again. Her theory is that going cold turkey from Christian Grey could be hazardous to your health....and quite frankly I think I agree with that sentiment. I would venture to say that these books are helping many with their BD sessions...although unfortunately we haven't had much luck of that on this end with me being tired from the job and sick with this cold.

Thank you to those of you who still keep up with me. It means a lot that I'm on your hearts and in your minds. An update on my cycle is that I am CD24 and there has been no sign of ovulation so far. I have not started my progesterone cream because I'm hoping that with the LA Diet my cycles might regulate themselves. However, if I don't start AF by CD35 I will get back on the progesterone cream therapy.

My 20 day cycle

Well, today is officially CD3. That means if you are keeping track, last cycle was only 20 days!!! I am not sure if things are trying to get back on track since last cycle was the first since the miscarriage in October, or if the Low Amylose Diet is helping to regulate. I am completely dumbfounded. I did do the Soy Isoflavones last cycle from CD5-CD9. I started progesterone cream on CD12 and have continued that this time even though AF has arrived. Today is 12 days on the cream and I am thinking I will finish up the cream either tonight or tomorrow night.
As for the Soy, I haven't decided if I will do that this cycle or not, but I am convinced that the new low amylose way of living is really helping matters as well.

I have slacked on  vlogging with all the interviews I have been on, and the confusion with the cycles. I hope to get a vlog done tonight. Keeping fingers crossed.

On a high note, after 16 months of being out of work, I start a new job next Monday! I am so thankful for this wonderful blessing. It will help in more ways that I can even mention, but two of the most important ways it will help is 1) Taking the stress off my DH of being the only bread winner around here. 2) Having extra $$ to put away to doing another transfer with our two remaining embies (that is if we don't have a miracle natural bfp).

Changing my layout

Please bear with me as I redo my page. I know it might look weird for a little bit as I play around with it, so please don't think I am doing weird things here.

CD11 update

Here we are at CD11. I'm super stoked that tomorrow I can start again with the progesterone cream. I plan on doing that from CD12-CD25 (total of 14 days). Hopefully it will help to get these silly cycles regulated. Surely with the cream, the low amylose diet and some exercise thrown it...the cycles are bound to regulate, right?

I did a CD10 vlog update yesterday, but I am still having issues with getting it uploaded onto Youtube. I haven't given up quite yet, but I am sure not going to wait until CD14 until I get the CD10 vlog uploaded. Haha.

Anyway, just in case I don't get it uploaded, here is a little recap of it.
I have done tons and tons of vlog watching, blog reading, FB page research (from fellow PCOS and TTC ladies) and heard a lot about Soy Isoflavones as a natural Clomid supplement. According to my research, every 200mg is equal to 100mg of Clomid. One woman in particular on youtube took these for one cycle and got her BFP!! So, I thought...what the heck, what could it hurt to try these.

I got this bottle from walmart for just over $6 for 60 pills. Since they are 40mg, I took 5 pills a day from CD5-CD9. I am not holding out too much hope, only because clomid never worked for me in the past, but then again that has been over 10 years ago. I will say that I had noticed some twinges and cramps in the ovary region for the past 3 days or so.

I'm pretty impressed with the results of the LA diet so far. 4 pounds down in a week. It is actually pretty easy to follow. I'm not going to lie, I do miss having potatoes and bread, but the lack of sugar intake hasn't really bothered me much. I have been able to have fruit smoothies just about every morning and some really good sugar free substitutes for my sweet tooth, like sugar free puddings and jell-o.

CD4 Update

Well, today is CD4 and it seems like it has left the building.
I was pretty surprised that it wasn't any heavier than it was. I was expecting to seem like a stuck pig, but instead it was very scant. I don't know...maybe I should have continued with the progesterone for two additional days, but it's too late for that now.

I have been doing well on the Low Amylose diet and have kept from eating things I shouldn't. It is still early on, and I have got to keep focused. As my blogging friend Carla The Bubblelush has shared her mantra of....

I have taken this mantra and adapted it to my own struggles as well. I invite any of you other TTC ladies to do the same.

Welcoming Aunt Flo...CD1

Just a short update, since it is mother's day and I usually act like a hermit on this holiday, except for my attendance at church.

But...update on the progesterone therapy. CD1 after almost 9 months of nada has arrived thanks to the progesterone cream therapy. I just make a quick youtube update video that I will try to get uploaded tomorrow, but...It is here.

Oh, and I have started a FB page strickly for my TTC and PCOS struggles to keep it off my personal page. Search for me as MrsKC Journtytoconceive! Would love to have you as a friend.

Update on the progesterone therapy

Well, today is day 11 of 14 of my progesterone cream therapy. As I mentioned in my last post, I am doing this to help bring on my period that has been missing since our miscarriage in October. Monday will be my last day doing that, and I am anxious and excited to see if it will do what it is meant to do.

I have been spending my time watching many YouTube videos from other PCOS gals and doing lots of reading and research in regards to taking control of our cycles and working toward that ever elusive BFP!

I will be starting a low amylose diet combined with the insulin resistance diet on Monday and I'm looking forward to seeing how that helps matters as well. I could stand to lose a little weight, that's for sure.

Today I also started a FB page strickly dedicated to my TTC journey. After several months of having to avoid posting anything onto my personal FB page that my family is connected to, I decided I needed to have a page where I could go and journal and give status reports of how things were going with our struggles at TTC. Long story short, I know that there are people on my personal page that have no desire to know about that part of our life, as well as people on that page that I don't CARE to share that information with...if you know what I mean, so hence the new page.

Anyway...I know this isn't much of an update, but right now I am in limbo until the therapy period is over with. I'm hoping to have good news by this time next week!

Time to get my period back

When I had my miscarriage back in October, it kind of set me back into a funk. I'm not going to lie. I'm human, and something as heartbreaking as losing a baby yet again, when we have been trying for so long and doing everything that we know to do...of course it's going to put you in a dark place.
I was angry, so angry that I said "I'm not going to bother with any of my daily medications." Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was on any life saving prescriptions or pills to even out my mood. I just stopped taking what I had been taking which included Metformin that I had been taking for several years for my PCOS, all the way down to my daily folic acid, vitamin D and prenatal vitamin. I just didn't feel the need anymore.
Well, the joke was on me. With me not taking some of these pills, I just felt different and not in a good way. I would tell my hubby that I didn't feel "good", and of course his reply was always..."Well, what doesn't feel good?" as though I might be coming down with a flu bug or sick or something.

I just couldn't explain it to him, or to anyone for that matter. I just didn't feel like I should feel. I felt all most lethargic, and like I had a dark cloud over me. I wasn't depressed, but I felt depressed. Then I started thinking....I haven't been taking my pills for months. Maybe I should start taking those again. Even though we weren't on the TTC bandwagon, I had to get back to taking those pills. Then it clicked for me...I hadn't had a period since before our transfer in September. My last period was August 16th!! Yes, I bled with the miscarriage, but that wasn't a period in my book (maybe I am wrong about this), it was my body passing this baby or babies out of my system. So...what can I do to get my period back?

Well for us PCOS ladies, it isn't unusual to go long stretches with no period, but this has been 8 months. The only reason I should go this long without a period is if I am pregnant. Of course I am suppose to be pregnant right now (our due date was May 25th)...but we won't go there!

Anyway, I remembered that in the past I had some good results with using just OTC natural progesterone cream twice a day. So, I did some more research on this with my good friend Dr. G (that's Google) and decided to give it a try. I picked up some cream from GNC and started it Tuesday night (May 1st). Normally you would start your progesterone cream therapy on CD12 and take it for 14 days. Since I don't have a CD12, I have manipulated one. My hope is that when I stop this in a couple of weeks a period will soon appear.

This is not for a TTC attempt, but to help bring on my missing period! Stay tuned and I will let you all know how it goes.

New Beginnings

The past few weeks have been a haze for me. I have had moments where I felt completely normal then times where I was just simply numb at what we had been put there. To be quite honest, I don't like what each heartbreak does to not just me, but my husband, my friends and most importantly, my family. They have been so supportive from one struggle to the next and have been praying relentlessly for our hearts to be filled with the love of a baby of our own.
With each slight glimmer of hope, we have joyfully shared the news with our parents, our church family, our close friends...and even people we meet in our day to day lives. They get wrapped up in the excitement of the news of a new baby and make all kinds of plans and purchases with the greatest anticipation, and then... the bottom falls out, the rug gets pulled out from under our feet, and we are faced with another heartbreak and let down. With this last heartbreak, someone was in control of our happiness and our dreams. We put all kinds of trust and hope into someone elses hands, only to be hurt YET AGAIN!
Honestly, I hate what this does to us. It breaks our wills, our trust of others, and takes away our joy that we should have when it really does happen for us. We kind of feel like the boy who cried wolf, and that no one will even be remotely excited for us at any announcement of a "baby on the way".
Isn't that just sad?
I mean, I am not looking for sympathy here. Quite the contrary. I just hate that it hardens our hearts to what should be such an amazing time for us.

That's why we are starting with a new beginning. Great things are to come. I feel the brush of angels wings, and I feel amazingly at peace, even though my heart has been crushed and broken time and time again. I just know that something absolutely beautiful is in our future. However, we have made the conscious decision to keep any "exciting news" to ourselves, at least for the time being. For our own self preservation. For us to avoid any type of negative comments or remarks. Frankly, we don't need them. We have been there, right in the center of it, so we don't need a constant reminder of it. Leave the negativity at the door, is basically my thoughts.

Just know that we are in a happy place right now. I believe that God is listening to our prayers, and just whispering..."BE STILL", so that is what we are going to do.

Sometimes we just need a reminder...

Or at least I do!

Heartbreaking News

Hey friends. Just wanted to update you to let you all know that sadly, the adoption fell through. It was ultimately our decision, but as you can imagine it was a difficult one to come to. The little guy was born on March 21st a little after 11pm, and he was healthy. About 5 days prior to his birth, the birth mother became a little wishy washy after a heart to heart with the baby daddy. Supposedly, he had been manipulating her through this whole pregnancy, making her think that if she went ahead with the adoption that they would be able to start a relationship again when in all actuallity his plan was to hit the bricks as soon as the baby was born an he signed over his rights for the adoption. Although she wasn't coming right out to tell me that she reconsidered...my heart and gut just had that feeling. To be honest, I think that she expects to have a forever hold on him with keeping the baby.
I can't understand why the Lord takes us down these roads sometimes and why we face heartbreak after heartbreak...but I am keeping my faith that something better is just around the corner.

Thank you for your prayers.

In God's Time

Well, I know that I have been keeping some hanging onto the edge of their seats for this "so-called" big announcement. So...without further lingering...

In just a little of three short weeks, we will be welcoming a new addition. Our little miracle, thanks to the beautiful gift of adoption.

We feel so incredibly blessed and are thanking God daily for this amazing gift. You know, it's crazy how you put so much into trying to have a baby. All the needles, doctors appointments, strict regiments to try to be successful. Then, after all the years and tears and heartbreak, God taps you on the shoulder and says, "I have better things planned for you". My wonderful husband says it best..."God doesn't work things out for the good of one, but for the good of MANY". This little baby needed a loving home. Parents who would adore and cherish the blessing of having a child of their own...even if their blood didn't flow through his veins. The birth mother of this baby, needed the reassurance that this little one would be loved and cared for and have what it needed, knowing that she couldn't provide that for him. Praise God that she didn't decide to terminate this pregnancy early on.

There is no denying that this is a little boy, and we have chosen the name: Dalton Kain.

She is scheduled to be induced on March 28th, so in just a little over 3 weeks, we will have a little baby in our arms.

I'm so excited and there is so much to share, but that is my announcement for today.

Thank you for your continued prayers during this time.

Big News Coming Soon!

I know it has been such a long time since I posted, than some of you might have even stopped following me.

BUT...

Don't go anywhere. We will be having some big news coming in the next few days, so stay tuned!