BFP....for a couple weeks anway

Well, I know it has been a while since I have updated, so I finally feel like I should update and just get it over with.

Last time I posted, I was only 2 days past my transfer. So...here is where it went from there.
I caved and POAS 6dpt and got a positive. This was evening urine, so I was pretty hopeful. Two days later, 8dpt I tried testing with FMU and stronger positive...then again two days after that at 10dp5dt and once again positive. I went in for my first beta test at 10p5dt and my number was....

294

I was over the moon when the nurse called. She didn't give me my progesterone or estrogen level, but said everything looked good. Since it was Friday, I was to come back on Monday, 13dpt to have a follow up beta checked. This was actually suppose to be the day of my first bloodwork, but since I had already gotten a positive hpt, they had me come in early.
On Monday, Sept. 19th I went back in and my second beta...

862

I was feeling even better once I got this call and noticed that my doubling rate was about 46 hours! I really started to feel like this was going to be it. That maybe of the three that we put back, that two actually stuck this time and we were going to get those twins that both Ken and I had dreamed about a lot.

The following Saturday we went to Lancaster to be with my inlaws, like we always are on the weekends. While there, I took myself a little nap (since about 6dpt I was always needing to take a nap mid-day because I was so tired). I woke up about an hour later and went to the restroom....blood in my panties and on the tissue. To say I freaked is an understatement. My mind just rushed back to where we were back in January when I started to bleed just a few days after my third beta. I came out of the restroom stonefaced...and Ken knew something was wrong. I told him with tears on the verge of coming...

We have not told my inlaws anything about being pregnant, but while there we decided to let them know since it was obvious I was upset and we needed to cut our visit short to go home and lay down. Of course they didn't get too excited, given the fact that last time we told them, it was only about a week later that we had to tell them of the miscarriage.

Thankfully about an hour after getting home the bleeding had stopped and it was never really heavy with clots or anything. However, over the next couple of weeks there was some slight spotting...just on tissue when going to the restroom....so I still thought that things were going to be ok. After all, it was NOTHING like it was last time, so I thought that I was just going to be one of those women that has some bleeding during pregnancy. If all was going to be ok, I would deal with the bleeding, even though it peaked my concern.

Last Saturday I took a hpt in the evening, just wanting to see that second line and put my mind at ease...but that second like was so faint. I just knew it was over for us. I came out of the bathroom and showed Ken and told him that it was over... Bless his heart, he just told me that it had to be a faulty test, that he still believed all was ok. And honestly...even though I felt different (in a bad way), I thought that he was right. I mean with HCG levels as high as mine were, there would have at least still been a good amount in there to show a stronger positive...RIGHT?

This past Weds, Oct 5th...Ken and I went in for our first ultrasound. We would have been 6w6d.
The doctor came in....started the ultrasound....

NOTHING!

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING VISIBLE IN THE UTERUS!

NO GESTATIONAL SAC....AND NO HEARTBEAT!

We both just lost it. We couldn't hardly believe that there was NOTHING there!
I mean, I feel like I somehow knew it was over a few days before...but I just still held onto my faith and my hope that there would be one little bean in there. I just couldn't believe that the Lord would bring us this far to break our hearts again. I couldn't believe that we could have such high beta numbers, with perfect doubling, and all the early pregnancy symptoms I had this time that I didn't have last time...just to crush our dreams and break our hearts yet again.

That night we went to dinner and called my dad to let him know the news....

The next morning when I woke up, my dad was sitting in my living room!

My dad dropped everything he had going on in Florida, and an hour after he got the call about the sad news, he was on the road driving here to North Carolina to be with me.
What girl needs a mom when she has an awesome dad like that? I'm such a daddy's girl!

He came to keep me busy so I wasn't alone, since Ken just couldn't take any time off of work. Dad didn't want me sitting around the house. We went to a movie (Dolphin Tale)...it was a great movie, but I of course cried throughout the whole thing, even at things that weren't so sad!

So, here we are, just 2 days since getting the news. How am I doing? How do you think I'm doing?
Last night was the roughest night so far. I got so upset while we were lying in bed and it was quiet. I started to hyper-ventilate and was having weird breathing patterns. I think that Ken was a little scared and worried about me. He kept me up for a little while just to make sure that I was ok. God I love this man...he is really my rock.

So, where do we go from here? Looks like we are done with the infertility stuff. Although we still have two embies still on ice, I just can't imagine going through this yet again, and we realistically don't have the funds just lying around to spend on another crap shoot. I just feel so defeated by this whole thing. Of course we don't have to make the ultimate decision right now, but soon we will have to decide what to do with the embryos...either pay for more storage or donate/discard them.

Because I am taking a break and possibly done with the TTC journey...this blog will be closed. For those of you who follow me, I will be restarting my "life journey" blog if you would like to follow me there. I will post the link to that within a week!

Thanks for all of your encouraging words and prayers.

2dpt

Two days down, and ten to go until beta is tested.
Transfer Recap
Tuesday was a really good day. Transfer was scheduled for noon, so had to get up at 6am to take my Crinone. My next medication wasnt suppose to be taken until 8 so I thought I could get a couple more hours of sleep. That didn't happen!
Ken and I laid in bed watching some tv and thinking about the day, which happened to be his birthday too.
After our showers we went out for a good breakfast at Charlotte Cafe.
We got to the clinic af 11:30 as asked, but didn't get called back until almost noon. They were busy with lots of transfers.
Dr. C came in and told us that all 3 embies we thawed looked great and still AA grade. He also made the comment about all of them taking.and then losing them all at birth. Needless to say, that ticked me off.
But, the transfer went so much smoother than last time. We got a picture of a beautiful embies as well as a picture of the actual transfer.

So, now the waiting begins.

Do I see an FET on the horizon?

If everything goes as planned, my transfer is scheduled for noon on Tuesday.
JUST TWO AYS AWAY!
I say "if everything goes as planned" because today's bloodwork wasn't what the clinic had hoped for.
I went in this morning for what was suppose to be my last labwork before transfer. Of course, being Sunday, I was nervous about missing "The Call" while at church, so I had my phone on vibrate throughout the worship service and Sunday School. Of course, the call didn't come until well after church as we were getting ready to have our afternoon lunch. I answered with anticipation waiting to get my instructions for Tuesday and heard the news. "We currently have you scheduled for noon on Tuesday for your transfer, however your progesterone was a little low this morning and Dr. C would like for you to come in tomorrow morning to have those labs rechecked and have an ultrasound to check your lining one more time."
WHAT?? Really??
I happened to ask the nurse what my progesterone level was, and although I don't remember exactly, it was under 5! I knew that it sounded low, but I don't know what is expected at this stage. Honestly, this was the first time I had even asked what my "level" was this entire FET. Every other IUI and even with my previous FET I always asked what each bloodwork level was throughout. This time I didn't want to focus on any number. The only number I care about is that BETA number at the end of those two weeks.
Anyway, I asked the nurse what it "should" be. She was kind of vague. Her response was that if I was doing PIO that my level would be about 20. However, this FET I am only on the Crinone gel, which apparently doesn't get picked up in your bloodstream, therefore not picked up on the labs. I was a little concerned, but she said that the if everything looked good tomorrow with my lining and blood flow, then the transfer would still go on.
So, although I didn't want to get wrapped up in this, I went to good old Doctor Google. Wouldn't you know it...there was really nothing out there regarding this. For the most part, most people do both the PIO along with the Crinone gel. I mean, my last FET, I did both as well. This time around my doctor didn't prescribe it because according to studies, the Crinone gives all the progesterone needed right where it is needed. Makes sense to me...you're putting it as close to the uterus as you can get it, right?
Anyway, here I sit, just a mere 40 or so hours away from transfer and there is a question as to whether it will happen or not.
I must say that I'm not too concerned about the thickness of my lining because this past Thursday my lining was 9-10 and my thought is that it can only get thicker right? So, I'm praying for it to be around 12 tomorrow.

Stay tuned for our update tomorrow...

One More Week

Waiting. The entire journey of TTC is always about waiting!
I am excited about the coming days, and the fact that I will be having my FET a week from today. I just can't believe that it's just around the corner. I remember when this whole protocol started that it seemed so far away, and here it is, just a few days away.
Funny, DH and I were talking about how I probably wouldn't get much sleep next Monday night, and to be honest, he is probably right. I mean, how can you sleep when you have something so exciting happening the following day? It's like a kid the night before they are going to Disney World, or the night before Christmas, or me...the night before getting on a cruise ship! HAHA
Lately I have been doing a lot of praying. I pray every day normally....but lately, just seems like I am praying more. Not just for myself and what we are getting ready to do, but for those other girls that I have come to know that are on their journey's to conceive as well. Those that have had the heartbreak like I've had, those that are celebrating their much deserved BFPs, and those that are in the dreaded TWW (I'll be there next week). They all have touched my heart in so many different ways. They are in my thoughts a lot, and I pray for them. I just hope they know that.
So...as the days roll by, and I prepare for my snow babies to have a nice warm "thick" home to snuggle into, I am calm, peaceful and faithful...this is going to be our time!

Moving Right Along~2 more weeks

This past Sunday I called my nurse to let her know that AF had not shown up yet after being off BCP's for 6 days. She instructed me to come in on Monday (8/22) to have baseline bloodwork and u/s. So...that's what we did. My lining was at 7 and the on call doctor believed that AF would arrive within 2 days. However, once I got home....Aunt Flo arrived and she came full force.
Later that day, I got a call from the nurse telling me to start my estrogen patches and decrease my Lupron to 5 units.
What does that mean? My transfer is only 2 weeks away. What was originally scheduled for Sept. 9th, has now been moved to Sept. 6th because the doctor is going to be out of town. The good news is that Sept. 6th is DH's birthday so I'm taking that as a good sign. The other thing that means is that it's less than 2 weeks away now, no I'm getting anxious and nervous as well. I'm trying not to stress, and refuse to let it consume me. Of course I say that all the while spending lots of time online researching baby products and looking at baby stuff. Call me crazy, but it is exciting for me to think about being PUPO in two weeks. I'm praying daily that we get a BFP with a great beta number. Of course reality is, I won't really breathe comfortably until after the first trimester.
So, the next few weeks are going to be busy which is a good thing. We have the gamecock game on Saturday, the 3rd, then Memorial Day we will be cooking out with the in-laws and then Tuesday we will be having Transfer Day!

There has been a lot of good things happening. Some wonderful ladies from my FT forum have gotten their BFP's. These are ladies that have been on the boards as long as I have been and we have endured BFN's after another. There are also some great ladies that are preparing for their transfers soon too. I feel great things coming this fall. You just wait and see!

NO MORE BCPs

Last night was my last BCP. I'm so very happy about that. Having taken the last one means that we are 3 weeks down. This means...we are halfway there!
Now the wait is on for the dreaded AF. Never thought I would be looking forward to aunt flo to show her ugly face, but I'm praying she comes around by Thursday or Friday.

On non related IF stuff, my dad has been here visiting from Florida. He came up for my husband's family reunion which happens every year in August. It's nice that my dad feels welcome enough to join in the reunion each and every year too. DH's parents really enjoy spending time with him, and I know he enjoys the time with them too.
Dad did mention that he was going to retire Dec. 16th. I'm sort of secretly wishing that means he will be moving this way. I know that he would love to be here to spend the time with his grandkinds (the first for both sides).

Two Weeks Down!

Well, yesterday marked two weeks complete of he six weeks to transfer. Ugh, it seems to be going so slow. This morning was my first injection of the Lupron. I'm hoping that I don't get the dreaded Lupron headaches and I'm praying that this helps to make things seem to move faster than they have been. I'm also looking forward to Next Monday which will be my LAST BCP! I have felt so crappy on them, and I know I have been crabby. I got all my medicine for the most part, except for the doxy, the medrol, the valium and of course the ovidrel.

Thankfuly for the next week I will be pretty busy. My dad is coming in from Florida for vacation and then we are going to be having my husband's family reunion.