It's Thanksgiving Week!

For those of us struggling with infertility, sometimes it can be hard for some to find things to be thankful about. Heck, whenever we go through a valley or storm we find a hard time being anything but frustrated, defeated, angry and distraught. The one thing to remember is to always look for something positive. Believe me, there is ALWAYS something positive! We are strong women. I mean, we must be strong to be “selected” to go through this journey of infertility. We take the struggles and we get knocked down and we keep getting up and moving forward. For some, this journey might last only a year or two. For some like me, it seems never ending when you have been going through this for over 15 years. There are often obstacles that we must overcome, and many times the devil is right there in our ear getting us discouraged and making us feel defeated. But, we have to keep our eye on the prize! There IS a light at the end of every tunnel. We are being molded into the “mothers” and women that God wants us to be. Maybe we need to grow our patience, or maybe we need to have our faith tested and or strengthened. Maybe, just maybe it isn’t quite our time yet, for one reason or another. I know, I know…we hate even the thought of it not being the right time. But remember, it isn’t OUR time, but HIS! Also remember that he is taking extra special care and time in creating our beautiful babies to be. It is so hard to not know “why” we have these struggles. We want to know why and we constantly as that question. But, it is not our place to know why. God has a plan. It’s his divine plan, and he is going to work it out for our good. Trust that he knows the desires of our hearts! He knows our hearts better than anyone. “For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.” – Habakkuk 1:5 So, for this Thanksgiving, I encourage you to find the good in the bad, the silver lining in your grey clouds, and the positive to the negative. Just be thankful! Thankful for your spouse who is going through these same fertility struggles with you. Sometimes it is easy to forget that they hurt through this too. Be thankful for your family and friends who are there for you. Thankful for the warm, cozy home you have especially during these cold days and nights we are having. Be thankful for your job (if you have one) because many out there are out of work and having a hard time finding anything. Most importantly, be thankful to God for what he is doing and about to do in your life!

Finally...a date!

Well, today happens to be cycle day 1, and as instructed by my doctor I called my nurse to find out what our game plan was going to be. After a long wait for a call back from my nurse, we have a plan and a tentative date for our upcoming FET.

January 20th looks like our date and although it seems like forever away I think the next 8 weeks are going to fly by, especially with the holidays coming.

The one thing that makes me a little nervous is that this transfer will be a little less than 3 weeks prior to our cruise we have coming up in February, but on the positive side of that we should have our beta the week before we cruise and our ultrasound the week following our cruise. Of course this all depending on us being successful...BUT, we have made a vow to keep everything positive and believe and claim that this is OUR TIME!

One Week Post Surgery...and still hanging on!

Well, I know it has been a little while since I have updated and to be honest, although I was home last week to recovery from my surgery...blogging or ANYTHING online for that matter was the furthest thing from my mind. Let's rewind... The weekend prior to my surgery was still feeling ok, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't anxious about what was looming over my head. I knew that in just a few short days I would be knocked out with some anesthesia and wake up with some pain. The Saturday prior to surgery was definitely a busy one. We had 6 homes lined up to look at with our real estate agent and we were planning on meeting him at 9:45 that morning. It seemed like every house we looked out just wasn't what we were looking for. Oh how I have learned that photos can be so deceiving. Then finally....the last house. This was a house that we tried to view about a month ago, but in a surprised was taken off the market the day before our scheduled showing. It hadn't been put under contract, but I guess the contract with the sellers agent had expired and they decided not to relist or renew with them. I was bummed at the time but just chalked it up to "not being meant to be." After all, it is just a house, right. There are plenty others out there for sale. Anyway, it had come back on the market and we had lined it up to view that day and when we got there...just walking down the drive way...it just felt like home. Once inside that feeling only got stronger and I felt like this was the house for us. Surprisingly, it didn't have a grand kitchen or a big beautiful master bath like I had always said I wanted. Instead, it had almost an acre of land filled with big beautiful mature trees, lots of big beautiful windows, a beautiful sunroom, a screen porch and a deck! Seriously...this was what was winning me over! DH loved it too, and we spent almost an hour at this place just looking at all the possibilities and what it would be like for us to live there and make it a home. One the drive home, we kept talking about how our dogs would love the yard and the sun room and how I would enjoy spending time out on the screen porch or entertaining there. I was at a point where I was ready to call the agent to make an offer...then reality came through that sounded like my husband. "It only has 2 bedrooms technically, so what if we get pregnant with twins?" Um, ok...let's think this through. First, are we really having this conversation now? And two, we surely can make this work, right? LOL Yes, it has two bedrooms, but there is also a loft. Granted, our thoughts were to make the loft into an office, but surely we can't make it work right? Ugh..... all the thoughts that were being discussed that afternoon were mind numbing. My brain was starting to hurt. After our house viewings, we drove on down to my inlaws in Lancaster and visited with them. We are very close with them and usually go to visit them every other weekend (use to be every weekend, but I had to put a stop to that because nothing was getting done at our house). My father in law, who is very tender-hearted was almost afraid to let go of me when he gave me hug before we left them because of my upcoming surgery. They felt so bad that they weren't going to be able to come be with me afterward. Trust me though, I was perfectly fine with not having them there. I wanted to have time to heal and was really looking forward to some down time. I can't even remember all that we did on Sunday. I know that I wanted to catch up with my laundry and some housework, but there wasn't really anything that exciting enough to remember. However, Sunday night we went to dinner with some friends who are in our Sunday School class. We are very close with this couple and are actually cruising with them in February. We got to talking over dinner, and my girlfriend said..."Do you think your dad is going to come up for your surgery?" I told her that I had thought he might, but then again, he really didn't act like he was going to be able to make the trip. He is in Florida after all and retired which means...fixed budget. I didn't want him to come all this way. Her response was that she wouldn't be surprised if he showed up, because she knows how he has done that in the past. On the way home from dinner I told DH that he should call my dad and find out what his plans were and to tell him that he really didn't need to come up and that I would be fine. We got home and something told me that I should put clean/fresh sheets on the guest bed in case he did show up. While I was doing that...someone knocked on my door. IT WAS MY DADDY! I LOVE THAT MAN! On Monday I had my pre-op appointment which was actually the first time that DH met Dr. M and I have to admit that I was a little nervous about this. What if he didn't like him? What if... Dr. M explained the procedure to us and told me to expect about a 3 hour surgery. What they were going to do, and what kind of incisions I would have. Then he tells me, I suggest you have a liquid/clear diet tonight. WHAT??? You can't do that to me. I was hoping to have a really good dinner. My dad is here, my neighbors are going to dinner with us...please tell me I can have a real dinner. His response...basically "NOPE"! So, where did we go? Jason's Deli...and I had chicken noodle soup. Blah... SURGERY DAY! Who likes to be up at 4:00am? Not me. But I had to be at the surgery center at 5:30, which meant leaving my house at 4:45. I wanted to get a nice hot shower because I knew it would be a while before I could truly enjoy that again. Surgery was a 7:30, and it lasted not 3 hours, but almost 4. You can imagine DH was going stir crazy waiting to find out what was going on. But, Dr. M came out and spent some time with him and my dad and told him that everything went great. The fibroid was a lot larger than they anticipated because it was tucked behind the uterus as well. He showed them some hi def photos that I am looking forward to see when I go for my follow up appointment in a couple weeks. We got home, I made camp on the couch and had some good sleep on Tuesday thanks to the anesthesia. Dad stayed up all night with me Tuesday night in case I needed to get up and go to the restroom. AGAIN, I LOVE THIS MAN! On Wednesday I felt like I had been hit by a mac truck. I hurt so bad and was very uncomfortable. Any time I got up and down I was almost in tears. Nothing would satisfy my appetite no matter how hard my dad tried. Wendesday night dad stayed up with me again so he could help me get up to go to the bathroom and to lower me down onto the couch. I just couldn't do any of this on my own. Who knew that your stomach muscles would be so affected. DUH moment there. Thursday was a little better. I was actually able to make it up the stairs and sleep in my own bed, but since I have an Icomfort bed (memory foam) it was so hard to get into the bed and I'm sure quite commical. Friday we had tickets to see Zac Brown at Verizon Amphitheater. I tried to give them away when I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go or at least up to going and I couldn't find anyone to take them. So, silly me decides to go anyway because I wasn't about to throw away $140 which is what I paid for the tickets. So, my neighbor let us use his handicap thing so we could park close...thank goodness, and we got in and sat in our seats. The opening acts were horrible in our opinion and we stayed to hear about 4 songs from ZBB and then I looked at DH and said, I think we need to go. He of course was more than willing because he was really worried about me. Flash forward, and Monday I went to work and was able to make it 7 hours. Then I made it all day yesterday and today. I'm getting better. Still slow moving and tender, but each day is progress and I'm so glad that it is over with. Now two months of healing before moving forward with our FET. But looking back, this was truly the best thing for us to do. Once I have my follow up with Dr. M I will have more detail information regarding what he found and what was done. But the pathology has come back already and praise the Lord...it was NORMAL!

We Interrupt this regularly scheduled FET...

So, Monday I went in for my Trial Transfer and hydrosonography. Trial Transfer went well, but something didn't look right on my ultrasound. Right there...slap on the side of my uterus, a 6cm fibroid! Wait...what? 6cm? Last time I had an ultrasound in that area (of course that was 2 years ago) it was only 3 cm. Yep, something that I wasn't expecting to get slapped in the face with, but here we are. The doctor says that he can almost guarantee that this is the culprit to our miscarriages and suggests that we have it removed before we move forward with our FET. It's hard to say how I am feeling, because I have a ton of emotions about this. I think my first emotion was anger when I heard that this stinking fibroid was probably the cause of our losses because I distinctly remember asking my prior RE if this would hinder our chances, to which he said "Many women have fibroids and this won't interfere with implantation!" Well, duh of course it didn't hinder implantation, but many studies prove that it does lead to pre-term labor, infertility AND miscarriages along with still births. Heck, this stinking thing should have been removed ages ago. I was also quite anxious and nervous about this news. The thought of a 6cm growth on my uterus that is going to requite surgery to remove? SURGERY? The only surgery I have ever had was having my tonsils and adenoids removed when I was a child. Although I was under anesthesia for my IVF Egg Retrieval I hardly call that surgery. Now, here I am facing the thought of being put under for what I have been told is a 3 hour procedure? I'm going to have little incisions on my tummy? And, although it is an outpatient surgery, I am going to have a rough week of recovery? Ugh...yes, to say I am a little scared would be an understatement. But I have to remember that God is in control. I think most importantly, the biggest emotion I am feeling now that I have a had a few days to let this sit and marinate with me is relief, understanding and that "ah-ha" moment. See, when you are told over and over again "We just don't know why you continue to have these miscarriages" it will about drive you insane. You know there has to be a reason, and yet no one seems to be able to give you that reason you are searching for. Now...thanks to Dr. M, I have an answer that I am ok with. One that truly makes sense to me without me pretending that it makes sense. I have once again the renewed faith that I am at the right place for us to be for this last shot at parenthood. This last shot with our two precious snow babies. And knowing that this doctor wants to be proactive and give me the best possible chance makes me more confident than ever that taking this break to get rid of this fibroid is worth putting our dream off just a few more months.

Night and Day

Is what it is like with my new doctor! I can't even begin to tell you how much I have enjoyed this transition and how much at peace I am with this final attempt. From the embryologist to the nursing staff to the front desk girls, this compassion is what I would hope that every women who is going through this journey gets to experience with their RE and clinic. Unfortunately for me, at my previous RE there was no good bedside manner, there was truly not sincere compassion and I felt like I was only just a number to them. But here, here at a place that just wraps you in their arms (literally, the nurse hugged me the first time she met me) I know this is where I should be and probably where I should have been 3 years ago when I started this route in my infertility journey. But, I am not going to dwell on what was and only focus on what is and will be. Hopefully next week or the following my little snow babies will be picked up and moved to WI and put to bed for just a short time until I can get to my transfer.

Here we go again...

It has been quite a while since I have updated my blog and even longer since it has been anything fertility related, but since I now have some news to actually update those who follow my blog I thought that I needed to get back into the swing of things. The update is that we are starting up to do one last FET with our remaining "snow babies". Because of my lack of confidence in my past RE, we decided to switch things up a bit and get a second opinion from another local clinic here in Charlotte. We chose The Women's Istitute and Dr. Marshburn. Since my consult with him on August 21st, we have pretty much been going full steam. He double checked my thyroid since Dr. C had put me on that previously. Low and behold my values were right where they should be according to Dr. M's nurse. Instructions were to stay on the Levothyroxin...it must be doing it's job! Dr. M also prescribed prometrium to help start up a cycle since mine tend to be a little absent when they shouldn't be. After 7 days of that along with the acupuncture treatments that I started the end of July AF showed her face this past Friday night making Saturday, August 31st CD1. YAY. Oh, but did I mention that we had an out of state wedding to go to over the weekend so that was just a delight to deal with while away and spending time in the car for 4 hours! Ha~ Anyway, I digress...unlike my prior clinic, this office actually closes for the weekends and holidays. Don't get me wrong, they do have a doctor on call, but it definitely isn't like my old clinic where if you start your period over the weekend, you can still come in for labs and an ultrasound if needed. I went ahead and called Saturday morning and thankfully Dr. M happened to be the doctor on call. He first told me to come into the office Tuesday morning for labs, but then retracted and told me to call his nurse Tuesday morning to see if I do need to come in. Long story short, I ended up going in during my lunch hour on Tuesday to get labs (only because my insurance requires it) and then I got my protocol and schedule for this FET. Yes....ALREADY! Talk about a big shock when she told me to start taking BCPs Tuesday night. So, here I am just 3 days into this and more than ready to get things rolling. It does seem that I will be on a long extended protocol (again because of the schedules for treatments at this clinic). It looks like my transfer will be the last week in October which makes 56 days from start to finish. On my past two transfers they were only about 41 days or 6 weeks from start of BCPs to transfer. I'm interested to see how this all pans out. But, since I actually have a reason to update I will be back quite often to let you know our progress...and as always, your prayers and thoughts are so greatly appreciated during this time.

Still juicing

I'm at work, but just wanted to give an update real quick.

I'm still juicing and so is DH. All is going well and the weight is finally coming off at a rate where others are noticing, not just me! I'm feeling so great and have amazing energy these days.

I do think that I will be deleting this blog though...just seems that I don't have anything "fertility related" to blog about these days. Hopefully that will change in the coming months when I have the insurance to be able to do one last FET, but I feel kind of weird having a fertility blog with nothing to blog about.

Juicing my way out of PCOS and maybe to a baby?

Is it possible? Juicing to "reboot" your body?

Of course we probably all remember those infomercials years ago with Jack LaLanne and his Power Juicer and all the health benefits that he tried to impress onto us.

 Back then I didn't really pay much attention, but I should have. Shoot, the man lived to be 97 I believe and was probably the healthiest person I ever saw at that age!

A few days ago I was doing some random searching online on different fertility boards and came across a forum somewhere regarding juicing to help aid in fertility. The original poster mentioned that after watching a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix, they felt inspired to start a juice detox, and then comment after comment women started speaking of their success with juicing and getting their BFPs or getting their irregular cycles to become regular again.

Of course this peeked my interest so I had to get my hands on this documentary or find it online. We don't have Netflix, so my fabulous DH found it on Hulu and we sat down together last night and watched it. All I can say.....

WOW!

I think that everyone needs to watch this movie....SERIOUSLY!

In short, this man Joe Cross who was overweight and suffering from some health issues went on a 60 juicing detox. By the end of the 60 days he had lost 84 pounds and then was able to get off all his medications. He also got another guy who was over 400 pounds who ended up losing 91 pounds in 60 days and also was able to get off his medications.

It got me to thinking...there is really something to this, something that makes a whole heck of a lot of sense. I was just about to tell DH that I was going to do this, when he looked at me and said, "I think we both should do this!" I was totally shocked that he was on board with this, especially since he doesn't have a lot of weight he needs to lose. He did say that we needed to wait until after Super Bowl! LOL

So, starting next Monday we will be doing a juice detox. We are starting with a realistic goal and planning on doing 10 days of juicing for all our meals as a detox. Depending on how those 10 days go we will either continue or stop, however we will continue to eat differently...HEALTHY!

Now, it goes without saying that I am not a doctor, and I can't tell anyone what to do. I suggest that you consult your doctor before you start any kind of detox, especially juice detoxing. Thankfully DH and I are relatively healthy with the exception of my PCOS and being slightly overweight so we are good to go with this juicing period. But, should you think about doing this yourself, please check with your doctor first.

I have got to tell you that I am so incredibly excited and pumped to try this. I can't wait to tell you all about it.

It's a New Year...welcome 2013

Well, it has been quite a long time since I blogged, and mostly cause the holiday's have been quite a hectic time in our home. We also haven't been doing ANYTHING on the TTC front. Matter of fact, we have done nothing the entire year of 2012. It's almost hard to believe that we had a whole year...12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days of absolutely NO fertility treatment.

Part of me is ok with taking this long of a break, part of me is disgusted that I let an entire year go by and didn't do anything to move closer to my hopes of having a baby.

WHY did I go without any treatment this year? Well, mainly for one reason and that one reason only...I have had no insurance to cover any type of treatments and medication. PERIOD. It's sad to base the fact of not moving forward with treatment on the fact that I had no insurance, but that is basically what it boils down too.

SO, with that being said, hopefully once I go permanent with this job I have been working (only for the past 7 months) then I will have insurance be able to start moving forward.

PLAN- Transfer those last two snow babies that we have.

Here's to a more productive 2013 than 2012.