Anyway, Thursday night I took my last pill of Prometrium. I thought that once I stopped that the high temps would stop and the fatigue would stop too. I also figured that AF would arrive by Sunday…wishful thinking I guess. It’s now Monday morning, and still no sign of AF. Saturday night I had a little bit of cramping in my lower back and sides. I thought that was a good sign that Mother Nature was about to make her appearance…but I think she was playing games with me, or something else was causing the cramps because I don’t normally have them, even when AF is approaching.
My Sunday School teacher (it’s called Life Group at my church) was really preaching his message to me today. I felt over-come and had to wipe back the tears several times because I felt that the Lord was using him to speak to me, and I spent the rest of the day thanking the Lord for telling me what I needed to hear. The lesson was about insecurities and that we should have NO REASON to feel insecure because the Lord made us in HIS image and exactly how he wanted us to be. For example, Mr. T (my teacher) was blessed with a speech impediment…that’s right, I said BLESSED! With that he is able to have compassion for others that have speech impediments.
For years I have been insecure about the fact that I was unable to conceive a child just like most other women. As young girls we are surrounded by the thought and dream of one day having that prince charming and children of our own. For me, that just didn’t happen. I struggled for years with infertility and it made me insecure as a woman, and to be quite honest, for many MANY years it was like I cursed God for making me this way. I didn’t understand why there were women who could get pregnant just by looking at them, or so it seemed. Many of them didn’t even care or want a child. Then there was me, a girl who never was “promiscuous” so to speak, a girl who was a Christian girl and one who wanted a baby more than anything in the world. I prayed all the time for a baby and didn’t understand why I just didn’t have the prayers answered.
It took me a few years, and a divorce from my first husband to really understand the reason for “my unanswered prayers”. My 1st marriage was not a marriage that a child should be brought up in. I also, being a child of a divorced couple, swore I would never raise a child in a divorced family. If I would have had children with my ex husband, I would still be married to him, and probably living a miserable life, just so my child would not have to live in two separate homes.
It was the insecurity part that I was still struggling with. I just didn’t feel like a whole woman, because of this “malfunction” in my body. I had my faith in God, that he would bless us (my current hubby and I) with a baby, but I was still holding onto that insecure feeling…UNTIL YESTERDAY.
Yesterday I let that feeling go. I was made WONDERFULLY, and I know now that if I had not been made this way, I would have taken motherhood for granted. I would have never really understood what other women who had the problems and the difficulty to conceive felt when they first saw that tiny little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen or to hold their own precious little baby in their arms. I will NEVER take motherhood for granted, and I will BLESS HIM with everything and give HIM all the glory and honor he deserves for each little miracle that he molds and makes for every woman who has and will struggle with her infertility. Maybe it’s a test, I don’t know…but I want to be able to pass with flying colors. For HE is the creator of EVERYTHING, I’m just the tool for which to bring it into the world.
Today I have awoken with a renewed strength and energy. I know that my God still hears and answers prayers and HE knows the true desires of my heart. I am no longer saddened or insecure of my infertility, but honored that He felt I was strong enough to be blessed with it.
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