BFP....for a couple weeks anway

Well, I know it has been a while since I have updated, so I finally feel like I should update and just get it over with.

Last time I posted, I was only 2 days past my transfer. So...here is where it went from there.
I caved and POAS 6dpt and got a positive. This was evening urine, so I was pretty hopeful. Two days later, 8dpt I tried testing with FMU and stronger positive...then again two days after that at 10dp5dt and once again positive. I went in for my first beta test at 10p5dt and my number was....

294

I was over the moon when the nurse called. She didn't give me my progesterone or estrogen level, but said everything looked good. Since it was Friday, I was to come back on Monday, 13dpt to have a follow up beta checked. This was actually suppose to be the day of my first bloodwork, but since I had already gotten a positive hpt, they had me come in early.
On Monday, Sept. 19th I went back in and my second beta...

862

I was feeling even better once I got this call and noticed that my doubling rate was about 46 hours! I really started to feel like this was going to be it. That maybe of the three that we put back, that two actually stuck this time and we were going to get those twins that both Ken and I had dreamed about a lot.

The following Saturday we went to Lancaster to be with my inlaws, like we always are on the weekends. While there, I took myself a little nap (since about 6dpt I was always needing to take a nap mid-day because I was so tired). I woke up about an hour later and went to the restroom....blood in my panties and on the tissue. To say I freaked is an understatement. My mind just rushed back to where we were back in January when I started to bleed just a few days after my third beta. I came out of the restroom stonefaced...and Ken knew something was wrong. I told him with tears on the verge of coming...

We have not told my inlaws anything about being pregnant, but while there we decided to let them know since it was obvious I was upset and we needed to cut our visit short to go home and lay down. Of course they didn't get too excited, given the fact that last time we told them, it was only about a week later that we had to tell them of the miscarriage.

Thankfully about an hour after getting home the bleeding had stopped and it was never really heavy with clots or anything. However, over the next couple of weeks there was some slight spotting...just on tissue when going to the restroom....so I still thought that things were going to be ok. After all, it was NOTHING like it was last time, so I thought that I was just going to be one of those women that has some bleeding during pregnancy. If all was going to be ok, I would deal with the bleeding, even though it peaked my concern.

Last Saturday I took a hpt in the evening, just wanting to see that second line and put my mind at ease...but that second like was so faint. I just knew it was over for us. I came out of the bathroom and showed Ken and told him that it was over... Bless his heart, he just told me that it had to be a faulty test, that he still believed all was ok. And honestly...even though I felt different (in a bad way), I thought that he was right. I mean with HCG levels as high as mine were, there would have at least still been a good amount in there to show a stronger positive...RIGHT?

This past Weds, Oct 5th...Ken and I went in for our first ultrasound. We would have been 6w6d.
The doctor came in....started the ultrasound....

NOTHING!

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING VISIBLE IN THE UTERUS!

NO GESTATIONAL SAC....AND NO HEARTBEAT!

We both just lost it. We couldn't hardly believe that there was NOTHING there!
I mean, I feel like I somehow knew it was over a few days before...but I just still held onto my faith and my hope that there would be one little bean in there. I just couldn't believe that the Lord would bring us this far to break our hearts again. I couldn't believe that we could have such high beta numbers, with perfect doubling, and all the early pregnancy symptoms I had this time that I didn't have last time...just to crush our dreams and break our hearts yet again.

That night we went to dinner and called my dad to let him know the news....

The next morning when I woke up, my dad was sitting in my living room!

My dad dropped everything he had going on in Florida, and an hour after he got the call about the sad news, he was on the road driving here to North Carolina to be with me.
What girl needs a mom when she has an awesome dad like that? I'm such a daddy's girl!

He came to keep me busy so I wasn't alone, since Ken just couldn't take any time off of work. Dad didn't want me sitting around the house. We went to a movie (Dolphin Tale)...it was a great movie, but I of course cried throughout the whole thing, even at things that weren't so sad!

So, here we are, just 2 days since getting the news. How am I doing? How do you think I'm doing?
Last night was the roughest night so far. I got so upset while we were lying in bed and it was quiet. I started to hyper-ventilate and was having weird breathing patterns. I think that Ken was a little scared and worried about me. He kept me up for a little while just to make sure that I was ok. God I love this man...he is really my rock.

So, where do we go from here? Looks like we are done with the infertility stuff. Although we still have two embies still on ice, I just can't imagine going through this yet again, and we realistically don't have the funds just lying around to spend on another crap shoot. I just feel so defeated by this whole thing. Of course we don't have to make the ultimate decision right now, but soon we will have to decide what to do with the embryos...either pay for more storage or donate/discard them.

Because I am taking a break and possibly done with the TTC journey...this blog will be closed. For those of you who follow me, I will be restarting my "life journey" blog if you would like to follow me there. I will post the link to that within a week!

Thanks for all of your encouraging words and prayers.