Time to Take CHARGE!!!

Ok, after a couple weeks of grieving and being truly ticked off at our situation and starting an all together new blog that is truly not fertility or TTC related, I have decided that I wasn't done with my journey of trying to conceive. I wasn't going to let this stupid PCOS or Infertility beat me. Granted, I'm what the "book" considers to be AMA, or Advanced Maternal Age and blah blah blah...but I refuse to give up my hope of EVER being a mother. SO, with that being said, I've decided to keep this blog running and dedicate it completely to fertility, my struggles, my triumphs (there better be some coming) and what I'm doing to kick the butt out of this horrible diagnosis!
I will continue with my other blog "Searching Higher Ground", for things not fertility related. I hope that those that follow me here, choose to follow me there, and those that follow me there check in over here from time to time as well. BUT, I'm keeping them separate for those who just aren't interested in the other, if you know what I mean.

Today as I was driving home from dropping my hubby off at work, I just had a revelation, if you will, that God is just not done with me in the regards of trying to have a baby. I thought it was shutting the door about 3 weeks ago, but seriously...I'm a fighter, and he reminded me that all good things are worth fighting for, right?
As soon as I came home, I jumped online to Amazon and Barnes & Noble and pulled up all the books available for women who have PCOS. I knew there were some reference books out there, but I hate NO IDEA that there were so many. So, my first stop today was to B&N to do some looking and thought..."I'll buy a book or two if it seems to have relevant information for us." Wouldn't you know it, they had a total of 5 books that pertained to IF and/or PCOS. I grabbed every single one of them and found a table to sit at to really take a look at what I had in front of me. You should know, in the past I have been an impulse buyer...if the cover looks pertinent, I would buy it....only to find out that it was information I already knew, or didn't even focus on what I was looking for in the first place. So, I figured it was best to waste some time checking them over good, instead of wasting $$ for something that just wasn't going to help me. Besides, who has money to just throw around these days?
No, seriously...I'm asking. I could really use some! haha

Anyway, I ended up purchasing just one book while I was there, something that I felt would get me off on the right foot.
That foot you ask?
DIET & WEIGHTLOSS for those of us who suffer from PCOS!!!

My purchase:

by: Cheryle Hart, MD

This will be my read over the next few days. My plan...to jump start this thing on Monday. So...if I start reading today, I should be able to have the idea of what is good and what I should be doing, diet wise. Get the right groceries by Sunday...and be ready to rock n roll come Monday.

After some additional retail therapy to one of my new favorite stores, Versona, and some other necessary errands, I came back home and jumped back on amazon.com and purchased four other books regarding PCOS. I really can't wait to get them, do my research, and let you know my thoughts on each of them.

I believe I will also start vlogging on youtube again.

Here's to a fresh start....and TAKING CHARGE OF MY INFERTILITY!

 



Searching Higher Ground

New blog is up with some tweaks still needing to be done!

Click HERE for new blog! I hope that you decide to continue to follow along with me!

If clicking the link above doesn't work for you, please copy and paste: http://www.searchinghigherground.blogspot.com/ in your web browser.

BFP....for a couple weeks anway

Well, I know it has been a while since I have updated, so I finally feel like I should update and just get it over with.

Last time I posted, I was only 2 days past my transfer. So...here is where it went from there.
I caved and POAS 6dpt and got a positive. This was evening urine, so I was pretty hopeful. Two days later, 8dpt I tried testing with FMU and stronger positive...then again two days after that at 10dp5dt and once again positive. I went in for my first beta test at 10p5dt and my number was....

294

I was over the moon when the nurse called. She didn't give me my progesterone or estrogen level, but said everything looked good. Since it was Friday, I was to come back on Monday, 13dpt to have a follow up beta checked. This was actually suppose to be the day of my first bloodwork, but since I had already gotten a positive hpt, they had me come in early.
On Monday, Sept. 19th I went back in and my second beta...

862

I was feeling even better once I got this call and noticed that my doubling rate was about 46 hours! I really started to feel like this was going to be it. That maybe of the three that we put back, that two actually stuck this time and we were going to get those twins that both Ken and I had dreamed about a lot.

The following Saturday we went to Lancaster to be with my inlaws, like we always are on the weekends. While there, I took myself a little nap (since about 6dpt I was always needing to take a nap mid-day because I was so tired). I woke up about an hour later and went to the restroom....blood in my panties and on the tissue. To say I freaked is an understatement. My mind just rushed back to where we were back in January when I started to bleed just a few days after my third beta. I came out of the restroom stonefaced...and Ken knew something was wrong. I told him with tears on the verge of coming...

We have not told my inlaws anything about being pregnant, but while there we decided to let them know since it was obvious I was upset and we needed to cut our visit short to go home and lay down. Of course they didn't get too excited, given the fact that last time we told them, it was only about a week later that we had to tell them of the miscarriage.

Thankfully about an hour after getting home the bleeding had stopped and it was never really heavy with clots or anything. However, over the next couple of weeks there was some slight spotting...just on tissue when going to the restroom....so I still thought that things were going to be ok. After all, it was NOTHING like it was last time, so I thought that I was just going to be one of those women that has some bleeding during pregnancy. If all was going to be ok, I would deal with the bleeding, even though it peaked my concern.

Last Saturday I took a hpt in the evening, just wanting to see that second line and put my mind at ease...but that second like was so faint. I just knew it was over for us. I came out of the bathroom and showed Ken and told him that it was over... Bless his heart, he just told me that it had to be a faulty test, that he still believed all was ok. And honestly...even though I felt different (in a bad way), I thought that he was right. I mean with HCG levels as high as mine were, there would have at least still been a good amount in there to show a stronger positive...RIGHT?

This past Weds, Oct 5th...Ken and I went in for our first ultrasound. We would have been 6w6d.
The doctor came in....started the ultrasound....

NOTHING!

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING VISIBLE IN THE UTERUS!

NO GESTATIONAL SAC....AND NO HEARTBEAT!

We both just lost it. We couldn't hardly believe that there was NOTHING there!
I mean, I feel like I somehow knew it was over a few days before...but I just still held onto my faith and my hope that there would be one little bean in there. I just couldn't believe that the Lord would bring us this far to break our hearts again. I couldn't believe that we could have such high beta numbers, with perfect doubling, and all the early pregnancy symptoms I had this time that I didn't have last time...just to crush our dreams and break our hearts yet again.

That night we went to dinner and called my dad to let him know the news....

The next morning when I woke up, my dad was sitting in my living room!

My dad dropped everything he had going on in Florida, and an hour after he got the call about the sad news, he was on the road driving here to North Carolina to be with me.
What girl needs a mom when she has an awesome dad like that? I'm such a daddy's girl!

He came to keep me busy so I wasn't alone, since Ken just couldn't take any time off of work. Dad didn't want me sitting around the house. We went to a movie (Dolphin Tale)...it was a great movie, but I of course cried throughout the whole thing, even at things that weren't so sad!

So, here we are, just 2 days since getting the news. How am I doing? How do you think I'm doing?
Last night was the roughest night so far. I got so upset while we were lying in bed and it was quiet. I started to hyper-ventilate and was having weird breathing patterns. I think that Ken was a little scared and worried about me. He kept me up for a little while just to make sure that I was ok. God I love this man...he is really my rock.

So, where do we go from here? Looks like we are done with the infertility stuff. Although we still have two embies still on ice, I just can't imagine going through this yet again, and we realistically don't have the funds just lying around to spend on another crap shoot. I just feel so defeated by this whole thing. Of course we don't have to make the ultimate decision right now, but soon we will have to decide what to do with the embryos...either pay for more storage or donate/discard them.

Because I am taking a break and possibly done with the TTC journey...this blog will be closed. For those of you who follow me, I will be restarting my "life journey" blog if you would like to follow me there. I will post the link to that within a week!

Thanks for all of your encouraging words and prayers.