Well, it has been quite a long time since I blogged, and mostly cause the holiday's have been quite a hectic time in our home. We also haven't been doing ANYTHING on the TTC front. Matter of fact, we have done nothing the entire year of 2012. It's almost hard to believe that we had a whole year...12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days of absolutely NO fertility treatment.
Part of me is ok with taking this long of a break, part of me is disgusted that I let an entire year go by and didn't do anything to move closer to my hopes of having a baby.
WHY did I go without any treatment this year? Well, mainly for one reason and that one reason only...I have had no insurance to cover any type of treatments and medication. PERIOD. It's sad to base the fact of not moving forward with treatment on the fact that I had no insurance, but that is basically what it boils down too.
SO, with that being said, hopefully once I go permanent with this job I have been working (only for the past 7 months) then I will have insurance be able to start moving forward.
PLAN- Transfer those last two snow babies that we have.
Here's to a more productive 2013 than 2012.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Monday, April 2, 2012
New Beginnings
The past few weeks have been a haze for me. I have had moments where I felt completely normal then times where I was just simply numb at what we had been put there. To be quite honest, I don't like what each heartbreak does to not just me, but my husband, my friends and most importantly, my family. They have been so supportive from one struggle to the next and have been praying relentlessly for our hearts to be filled with the love of a baby of our own.
With each slight glimmer of hope, we have joyfully shared the news with our parents, our church family, our close friends...and even people we meet in our day to day lives. They get wrapped up in the excitement of the news of a new baby and make all kinds of plans and purchases with the greatest anticipation, and then... the bottom falls out, the rug gets pulled out from under our feet, and we are faced with another heartbreak and let down. With this last heartbreak, someone was in control of our happiness and our dreams. We put all kinds of trust and hope into someone elses hands, only to be hurt YET AGAIN!
Honestly, I hate what this does to us. It breaks our wills, our trust of others, and takes away our joy that we should have when it really does happen for us. We kind of feel like the boy who cried wolf, and that no one will even be remotely excited for us at any announcement of a "baby on the way".
Isn't that just sad?
I mean, I am not looking for sympathy here. Quite the contrary. I just hate that it hardens our hearts to what should be such an amazing time for us.
That's why we are starting with a new beginning. Great things are to come. I feel the brush of angels wings, and I feel amazingly at peace, even though my heart has been crushed and broken time and time again. I just know that something absolutely beautiful is in our future. However, we have made the conscious decision to keep any "exciting news" to ourselves, at least for the time being. For our own self preservation. For us to avoid any type of negative comments or remarks. Frankly, we don't need them. We have been there, right in the center of it, so we don't need a constant reminder of it. Leave the negativity at the door, is basically my thoughts.
Just know that we are in a happy place right now. I believe that God is listening to our prayers, and just whispering..."BE STILL", so that is what we are going to do.
With each slight glimmer of hope, we have joyfully shared the news with our parents, our church family, our close friends...and even people we meet in our day to day lives. They get wrapped up in the excitement of the news of a new baby and make all kinds of plans and purchases with the greatest anticipation, and then... the bottom falls out, the rug gets pulled out from under our feet, and we are faced with another heartbreak and let down. With this last heartbreak, someone was in control of our happiness and our dreams. We put all kinds of trust and hope into someone elses hands, only to be hurt YET AGAIN!
Honestly, I hate what this does to us. It breaks our wills, our trust of others, and takes away our joy that we should have when it really does happen for us. We kind of feel like the boy who cried wolf, and that no one will even be remotely excited for us at any announcement of a "baby on the way".
Isn't that just sad?
I mean, I am not looking for sympathy here. Quite the contrary. I just hate that it hardens our hearts to what should be such an amazing time for us.
That's why we are starting with a new beginning. Great things are to come. I feel the brush of angels wings, and I feel amazingly at peace, even though my heart has been crushed and broken time and time again. I just know that something absolutely beautiful is in our future. However, we have made the conscious decision to keep any "exciting news" to ourselves, at least for the time being. For our own self preservation. For us to avoid any type of negative comments or remarks. Frankly, we don't need them. We have been there, right in the center of it, so we don't need a constant reminder of it. Leave the negativity at the door, is basically my thoughts.
Just know that we are in a happy place right now. I believe that God is listening to our prayers, and just whispering..."BE STILL", so that is what we are going to do.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Heartbreaking News
Hey friends. Just wanted to update you to let you all know that sadly, the adoption fell through. It was ultimately our decision, but as you can imagine it was a difficult one to come to. The little guy was born on March 21st a little after 11pm, and he was healthy. About 5 days prior to his birth, the birth mother became a little wishy washy after a heart to heart with the baby daddy. Supposedly, he had been manipulating her through this whole pregnancy, making her think that if she went ahead with the adoption that they would be able to start a relationship again when in all actuallity his plan was to hit the bricks as soon as the baby was born an he signed over his rights for the adoption. Although she wasn't coming right out to tell me that she reconsidered...my heart and gut just had that feeling. To be honest, I think that she expects to have a forever hold on him with keeping the baby.
I can't understand why the Lord takes us down these roads sometimes and why we face heartbreak after heartbreak...but I am keeping my faith that something better is just around the corner.
Thank you for your prayers.
I can't understand why the Lord takes us down these roads sometimes and why we face heartbreak after heartbreak...but I am keeping my faith that something better is just around the corner.
Thank you for your prayers.
Monday, March 5, 2012
In God's Time
Well, I know that I have been keeping some hanging onto the edge of their seats for this "so-called" big announcement. So...without further lingering...
In just a little of three short weeks, we will be welcoming a new addition. Our little miracle, thanks to the beautiful gift of adoption.
In just a little of three short weeks, we will be welcoming a new addition. Our little miracle, thanks to the beautiful gift of adoption.
We feel so incredibly blessed and are thanking God daily for this amazing gift. You know, it's crazy how you put so much into trying to have a baby. All the needles, doctors appointments, strict regiments to try to be successful. Then, after all the years and tears and heartbreak, God taps you on the shoulder and says, "I have better things planned for you". My wonderful husband says it best..."God doesn't work things out for the good of one, but for the good of MANY". This little baby needed a loving home. Parents who would adore and cherish the blessing of having a child of their own...even if their blood didn't flow through his veins. The birth mother of this baby, needed the reassurance that this little one would be loved and cared for and have what it needed, knowing that she couldn't provide that for him. Praise God that she didn't decide to terminate this pregnancy early on.
There is no denying that this is a little boy, and we have chosen the name: Dalton Kain.
She is scheduled to be induced on March 28th, so in just a little over 3 weeks, we will have a little baby in our arms.
I'm so excited and there is so much to share, but that is my announcement for today.
Thank you for your continued prayers during this time.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Big News Coming Soon!
I know it has been such a long time since I posted, than some of you might have even stopped following me.
BUT...
Don't go anywhere. We will be having some big news coming in the next few days, so stay tuned!
BUT...
Don't go anywhere. We will be having some big news coming in the next few days, so stay tuned!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Not the Thanksgiving I was hoping for
It's Thanksgiving, and between you and me, I must admit that it wasn't the Thanksgiving I was hoping for.
In January I was excited about the thought that we were going to have a new addition at the table this year. Of course, that was when I had just recently gone through my first attempt at IVF and had confirmation of pregnancy. Sadly, as you know, we miscarried in late January and early February. Yep, pregnant with twins and lost them both early in the pregnancy. After healing and coping with the heartbreak of having to go through that, we picked up the pieces, saved up some money and tried once again with a second FET in September.
Everything then seemed to be so right. Seemed to be like things were working the way they should We even had the transfer on Ken's birthday! Signs were everywhere, and we layed it all that the feet of the cross and trusted the Lord that we would not have another heartbreak. Again, we were pregnant (most likely with twins due to the high beta levels). I was so excited. Guarded emotionally due to the last experience with this, but just so full of hope and faith that we were going to have the baby we had waited so long for and prayed so hard for all these years.
We had already booked our cruise and timing again was perfect for the trip. I would just be into my second trimester and feel comfortable about going on a trip, especially a cruise. We had planned on sharing the news of our pregnancy today, at Thanksgiving, with family. Today I would have been 14 weeks today.
Instead...we were not able to celebrate that today.
BUT, we did have a great Thanksgiving meal and fellowship with my husband's family.
Despite the sorrows of this year, we still have a lot to be thankful for. Maybe, with the grace of God, we will have a different kind of Thanksgiving next year.
NOW, we get to head to Florida and get on a cruise ship for a week.
In January I was excited about the thought that we were going to have a new addition at the table this year. Of course, that was when I had just recently gone through my first attempt at IVF and had confirmation of pregnancy. Sadly, as you know, we miscarried in late January and early February. Yep, pregnant with twins and lost them both early in the pregnancy. After healing and coping with the heartbreak of having to go through that, we picked up the pieces, saved up some money and tried once again with a second FET in September.
Everything then seemed to be so right. Seemed to be like things were working the way they should We even had the transfer on Ken's birthday! Signs were everywhere, and we layed it all that the feet of the cross and trusted the Lord that we would not have another heartbreak. Again, we were pregnant (most likely with twins due to the high beta levels). I was so excited. Guarded emotionally due to the last experience with this, but just so full of hope and faith that we were going to have the baby we had waited so long for and prayed so hard for all these years.
We had already booked our cruise and timing again was perfect for the trip. I would just be into my second trimester and feel comfortable about going on a trip, especially a cruise. We had planned on sharing the news of our pregnancy today, at Thanksgiving, with family. Today I would have been 14 weeks today.
Instead...we were not able to celebrate that today.
BUT, we did have a great Thanksgiving meal and fellowship with my husband's family.
Despite the sorrows of this year, we still have a lot to be thankful for. Maybe, with the grace of God, we will have a different kind of Thanksgiving next year.
NOW, we get to head to Florida and get on a cruise ship for a week.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
One More Week
Waiting. The entire journey of TTC is always about waiting!
I am excited about the coming days, and the fact that I will be having my FET a week from today. I just can't believe that it's just around the corner. I remember when this whole protocol started that it seemed so far away, and here it is, just a few days away.
Funny, DH and I were talking about how I probably wouldn't get much sleep next Monday night, and to be honest, he is probably right. I mean, how can you sleep when you have something so exciting happening the following day? It's like a kid the night before they are going to Disney World, or the night before Christmas, or me...the night before getting on a cruise ship! HAHA
Lately I have been doing a lot of praying. I pray every day normally....but lately, just seems like I am praying more. Not just for myself and what we are getting ready to do, but for those other girls that I have come to know that are on their journey's to conceive as well. Those that have had the heartbreak like I've had, those that are celebrating their much deserved BFPs, and those that are in the dreaded TWW (I'll be there next week). They all have touched my heart in so many different ways. They are in my thoughts a lot, and I pray for them. I just hope they know that.
So...as the days roll by, and I prepare for my snow babies to have a nice warm "thick" home to snuggle into, I am calm, peaceful and faithful...this is going to be our time!
I am excited about the coming days, and the fact that I will be having my FET a week from today. I just can't believe that it's just around the corner. I remember when this whole protocol started that it seemed so far away, and here it is, just a few days away.
Funny, DH and I were talking about how I probably wouldn't get much sleep next Monday night, and to be honest, he is probably right. I mean, how can you sleep when you have something so exciting happening the following day? It's like a kid the night before they are going to Disney World, or the night before Christmas, or me...the night before getting on a cruise ship! HAHA
Lately I have been doing a lot of praying. I pray every day normally....but lately, just seems like I am praying more. Not just for myself and what we are getting ready to do, but for those other girls that I have come to know that are on their journey's to conceive as well. Those that have had the heartbreak like I've had, those that are celebrating their much deserved BFPs, and those that are in the dreaded TWW (I'll be there next week). They all have touched my heart in so many different ways. They are in my thoughts a lot, and I pray for them. I just hope they know that.
So...as the days roll by, and I prepare for my snow babies to have a nice warm "thick" home to snuggle into, I am calm, peaceful and faithful...this is going to be our time!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Moving Right Along~2 more weeks
This past Sunday I called my nurse to let her know that AF had not shown up yet after being off BCP's for 6 days. She instructed me to come in on Monday (8/22) to have baseline bloodwork and u/s. So...that's what we did. My lining was at 7 and the on call doctor believed that AF would arrive within 2 days. However, once I got home....Aunt Flo arrived and she came full force.
Later that day, I got a call from the nurse telling me to start my estrogen patches and decrease my Lupron to 5 units.
What does that mean? My transfer is only 2 weeks away. What was originally scheduled for Sept. 9th, has now been moved to Sept. 6th because the doctor is going to be out of town. The good news is that Sept. 6th is DH's birthday so I'm taking that as a good sign. The other thing that means is that it's less than 2 weeks away now, no I'm getting anxious and nervous as well. I'm trying not to stress, and refuse to let it consume me. Of course I say that all the while spending lots of time online researching baby products and looking at baby stuff. Call me crazy, but it is exciting for me to think about being PUPO in two weeks. I'm praying daily that we get a BFP with a great beta number. Of course reality is, I won't really breathe comfortably until after the first trimester.
So, the next few weeks are going to be busy which is a good thing. We have the gamecock game on Saturday, the 3rd, then Memorial Day we will be cooking out with the in-laws and then Tuesday we will be having Transfer Day!
There has been a lot of good things happening. Some wonderful ladies from my FT forum have gotten their BFP's. These are ladies that have been on the boards as long as I have been and we have endured BFN's after another. There are also some great ladies that are preparing for their transfers soon too. I feel great things coming this fall. You just wait and see!
Later that day, I got a call from the nurse telling me to start my estrogen patches and decrease my Lupron to 5 units.
What does that mean? My transfer is only 2 weeks away. What was originally scheduled for Sept. 9th, has now been moved to Sept. 6th because the doctor is going to be out of town. The good news is that Sept. 6th is DH's birthday so I'm taking that as a good sign. The other thing that means is that it's less than 2 weeks away now, no I'm getting anxious and nervous as well. I'm trying not to stress, and refuse to let it consume me. Of course I say that all the while spending lots of time online researching baby products and looking at baby stuff. Call me crazy, but it is exciting for me to think about being PUPO in two weeks. I'm praying daily that we get a BFP with a great beta number. Of course reality is, I won't really breathe comfortably until after the first trimester.
So, the next few weeks are going to be busy which is a good thing. We have the gamecock game on Saturday, the 3rd, then Memorial Day we will be cooking out with the in-laws and then Tuesday we will be having Transfer Day!
There has been a lot of good things happening. Some wonderful ladies from my FT forum have gotten their BFP's. These are ladies that have been on the boards as long as I have been and we have endured BFN's after another. There are also some great ladies that are preparing for their transfers soon too. I feel great things coming this fall. You just wait and see!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Ovulation...
Without prescription medications? Really? Well, it seems to be the case.
About 9 days ago, on June 4th, I noticed that I was having some pretty heavy discharge, which after doing some checking determined it was EWCM. It really kind of shocked me, because I had not had any AF since my miscarriages, so...could I be reading my body right? I mean I had noticed some slight cramping for a couple days, but nothing really to take note of...but then again in all the years since my first menses at age 11 (yes, you heard me right), I never had any cramping. Matter of fact, I only ever noticed any ovulation cramping when I was on fertility meds and would take an injection to induce ovulation...really. So, I decided to take an OPK, since I had several in my stash from my TTC before doing my IUI's and monitoring and IVF.
POSITIVE!
Really? Can this be possible?
Funny thing is, I had called my OB/Gyn nurse earlier that day to discuss my concern since it had been so long since my miscarriage and yet I had not had a period. So...I took this test before I received her call back. Below is the gist of that call:
Nurse K: "Dr. M. was wondering if you were still receiving treatment at Reach?"
Me: "Well, no! I haven't been there since my last beta test in early March."
Nurse K: "That's kind of what I thought, and what I relayed to the doctor." She asked if you took a HPT."
Me: "I actually took one over a week ago, even though I knew it would be negative, I just wanted to make sure to rule that out."
Nurse K: "Well, she would like to have you repeat a HPT in a week and then call back to let us know the results. We might have to put you on Provera to induce a period."
Me: "Well, funny thing. I took a OPK about 10 minutes before your call, and it is showing positive. I also have noticed a lot of EWCM, so is it possible that I could be ovulating without having a break thru AF?"
Nurse K: "Of course it is possible. I wish you luck if you are going to attempt anything."
Me: "Well, I haven't told my husband yet, but we will see and pray that everything works out ok. I will retest then in 2 weeks and then follow up with you then."
Nurse K: "Sounds good. I look forward to hearing great news from you then!"
So, there you have it. It looks like I ovulated, so we tried...ONCE, because that's just how it worked out for us that weekend. I'm not holding out any hope or expectation of course, but I've been praying about it. I'm mostly just thrilled that my body ovulated without any prescription assistance and manipulation. I really think that the pills that I started (Fertility Blend for Women) is doing something with my body. It's all up to God, as it has always been...I just stand amazed every day at what He can do and the miracles that he grants us.
Friday morning will be the day I will POAS, yet again. I pray I see two lines, but honestly...this time around I won't be disappointed. I will just be excited that my body is responding and keep plugging along and praying that maybe the next cycle will be my time!
The most amazing thing about this "alternative treatment" thing...is that I feel more in control. It's funny....and freeing. My life is not dictated by doctor appointments, and what time to be home to take my shot, and blood work, and over thinking... I'm not missing that. Would I ever do it again, if I need to for my victory....I will; that is if the Lord finds us the means to make it happen financially. But this journey is not over for me. It's not going to beat me.
About 9 days ago, on June 4th, I noticed that I was having some pretty heavy discharge, which after doing some checking determined it was EWCM. It really kind of shocked me, because I had not had any AF since my miscarriages, so...could I be reading my body right? I mean I had noticed some slight cramping for a couple days, but nothing really to take note of...but then again in all the years since my first menses at age 11 (yes, you heard me right), I never had any cramping. Matter of fact, I only ever noticed any ovulation cramping when I was on fertility meds and would take an injection to induce ovulation...really. So, I decided to take an OPK, since I had several in my stash from my TTC before doing my IUI's and monitoring and IVF.
POSITIVE!
Really? Can this be possible?
Funny thing is, I had called my OB/Gyn nurse earlier that day to discuss my concern since it had been so long since my miscarriage and yet I had not had a period. So...I took this test before I received her call back. Below is the gist of that call:
Nurse K: "Dr. M. was wondering if you were still receiving treatment at Reach?"
Me: "Well, no! I haven't been there since my last beta test in early March."
Nurse K: "That's kind of what I thought, and what I relayed to the doctor." She asked if you took a HPT."
Me: "I actually took one over a week ago, even though I knew it would be negative, I just wanted to make sure to rule that out."
Nurse K: "Well, she would like to have you repeat a HPT in a week and then call back to let us know the results. We might have to put you on Provera to induce a period."
Me: "Well, funny thing. I took a OPK about 10 minutes before your call, and it is showing positive. I also have noticed a lot of EWCM, so is it possible that I could be ovulating without having a break thru AF?"
Nurse K: "Of course it is possible. I wish you luck if you are going to attempt anything."
Me: "Well, I haven't told my husband yet, but we will see and pray that everything works out ok. I will retest then in 2 weeks and then follow up with you then."
Nurse K: "Sounds good. I look forward to hearing great news from you then!"
So, there you have it. It looks like I ovulated, so we tried...ONCE, because that's just how it worked out for us that weekend. I'm not holding out any hope or expectation of course, but I've been praying about it. I'm mostly just thrilled that my body ovulated without any prescription assistance and manipulation. I really think that the pills that I started (Fertility Blend for Women) is doing something with my body. It's all up to God, as it has always been...I just stand amazed every day at what He can do and the miracles that he grants us.
Friday morning will be the day I will POAS, yet again. I pray I see two lines, but honestly...this time around I won't be disappointed. I will just be excited that my body is responding and keep plugging along and praying that maybe the next cycle will be my time!
The most amazing thing about this "alternative treatment" thing...is that I feel more in control. It's funny....and freeing. My life is not dictated by doctor appointments, and what time to be home to take my shot, and blood work, and over thinking... I'm not missing that. Would I ever do it again, if I need to for my victory....I will; that is if the Lord finds us the means to make it happen financially. But this journey is not over for me. It's not going to beat me.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Alternative Ferility Methods
Since it looks like another FET is a little out of our reach right now, I've been spending the past few weeks concentrating on "alternative" fertility treatments. I've researched all sorts of things from acupuncture, Chinese herbs, meditation and so forth. There is good and bad with everything I have read, but I think that I have settled on something and will give it a try for a few months to see if there is any success. If it will get my cycles regular, that will be a start. Since my miscarriages in late January and early February, the evil witch has stayed clear of me. Some might think that is a blessing, but for someone who is trying so desperately to conceive, I am going crazy without having her visit.
So, what is this that I'm trying? FERTILITY BLEND for Women by Daily Wellness. I picked up a bottle from my local GNC for about $40. Of course to some that might seem pretty high, but to those of us who have paid for fertility medications like Follistim injections, Ovidrel trigger shots, Crinone Gel, Progesterone in Oil, etc...$40 is a welcome change. The recommended dosage is 3 pills per day, which is what I am taking (one in the morning, one at lunch and one before bed). There is also a FERTILITY BLEND for men, but my hubby won't be starting those until he is due for more supplements. He is already taking most of the supplements that are in this pill individually.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting all my eggs into one basket and expecting this to be the end all/be all for my TTC, but after reading some inspiring reviews of this product, I felt that it was worth a shot. So, along with a lot of prayers and patience (this whole journey is about patience, right?) I pray that this might be a little miracle pill.
So, have any of your heard of this supplement? Have you yourself tried it or know of someone who has? It has been around for a while and I can't believe I just came across this in the past week with my googling and research.
I'm also contemplating purchasing a Clearblue Easy Fertility monitor as well...to help take away some of the guess work, so to speak!
So, what is this that I'm trying? FERTILITY BLEND for Women by Daily Wellness. I picked up a bottle from my local GNC for about $40. Of course to some that might seem pretty high, but to those of us who have paid for fertility medications like Follistim injections, Ovidrel trigger shots, Crinone Gel, Progesterone in Oil, etc...$40 is a welcome change. The recommended dosage is 3 pills per day, which is what I am taking (one in the morning, one at lunch and one before bed). There is also a FERTILITY BLEND for men, but my hubby won't be starting those until he is due for more supplements. He is already taking most of the supplements that are in this pill individually.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting all my eggs into one basket and expecting this to be the end all/be all for my TTC, but after reading some inspiring reviews of this product, I felt that it was worth a shot. So, along with a lot of prayers and patience (this whole journey is about patience, right?) I pray that this might be a little miracle pill.
So, have any of your heard of this supplement? Have you yourself tried it or know of someone who has? It has been around for a while and I can't believe I just came across this in the past week with my googling and research.
I'm also contemplating purchasing a Clearblue Easy Fertility monitor as well...to help take away some of the guess work, so to speak!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Rested and ready to move forward
After 7 days on a cruise, I have had some wonderful time resting and relaxing and spending some much needed time alone with my DH.
Although the cruise wasn't so hot (DH has dubbed Carnival as the Trailerhood of cruise lines), we enjoyed being away from the stress of work and being wrapped up in the sadness of our loss. It was nice just to spend a week not talking about it and not being around people who were aware of it who kept asking if I was alright or if I was ready to try again and IF I was going to try again.
I had fully planned on video taping throughout the cruise and giving a full video review of the ship and our experience on the Carnival Dream, but honestly there just wasn't anything that interesting of the ship to walk around with my video camera. I did do a few short clips of the inside of our cabin and some common areas on the ship, but when I got home and reviewed them I realized that it just wasn't what I wanted to share. SO...I will blog a review a little later today or possibly tomorrow for those who are interested to know my point of view from cruising.
Anyway, we are back to reality now and I'm doing some serious thinking of moving forward to the goal to motherhood. AF still hasn't arrived, and I'm so thankful that she didn't show her ugly head while we were on vacation. Can you think of a bigger bummer? Now that I am back home, I'm a little concerned that AF hasn't come, so I called the nurse yesterday who basically told me I could wait it out or come in for baseline bloodwork to see where I'm at. She said they could tell from the bloodwork if I was approaching AF or if I was baseline enough to start BCPs. So...why am I hesitating? This is what I want isn't it?
OF COURSE IT'S WHAT I WANT!!! IF YOU DOUBT THAT THEN YOU DON'T KNOW ALL I HAVE BEEN THROUGH TO GET MY HEART'S DESIRE OF BEING A MOM!
I've decided that I will plan to go in for bloodwork next Wednesday if I have not gotten AF by then. Call me crazy, but maybe I'm just having a little wishful thinking after all the "alone" time that DH and I had while on our cruise. I truly don't know what got into my hubby, but we BD more in the past week than we have in 6 months!!! (That was another perk to the cruise).
As for my heart and my emotions...I'm getting better every day. My ex-coworker that went through her IVF 3 weeks before I did is now 18 weeks pregnant with a baby girl from her successful attempt, and although it hurts knowing that it would make me 15 weeks pregnant and it's so bitter sweet...I am truly happy for her and wish her all the best. I've sent messages to her via text and email a few times and even on her FB but have not received any response from her. That hurts the most I think. We were "fertility sisters" and went through all of this together, and now I'm not even acknowledged. I guess my problem is that I get to vested with friends and coworkers. Lesson learned!
So, I guess I will soon be popping pills again and doing those shots again. Honestly, I have enjoyed not having to worry about all of that stuff, but I guess I need to realize that this is just what has to be done, right? And, if I'm paying the outrageous COBRA fee, I might as well use it before it's gone, if not I have wasted that money for nothing!
Oh well, part of me is super excited about the future and praying that the Lord will bless us with a true sticky bean this time cause I just know I couldn't go through another loss again! This will be our last shot, so I have to be well prepared mentally for this, so the cruise has helped to clear my mind and prepare it for the craziness of a FET.
Anyway, I will be sharing some of our cruise photos soon!
Although the cruise wasn't so hot (DH has dubbed Carnival as the Trailerhood of cruise lines), we enjoyed being away from the stress of work and being wrapped up in the sadness of our loss. It was nice just to spend a week not talking about it and not being around people who were aware of it who kept asking if I was alright or if I was ready to try again and IF I was going to try again.
I had fully planned on video taping throughout the cruise and giving a full video review of the ship and our experience on the Carnival Dream, but honestly there just wasn't anything that interesting of the ship to walk around with my video camera. I did do a few short clips of the inside of our cabin and some common areas on the ship, but when I got home and reviewed them I realized that it just wasn't what I wanted to share. SO...I will blog a review a little later today or possibly tomorrow for those who are interested to know my point of view from cruising.
Anyway, we are back to reality now and I'm doing some serious thinking of moving forward to the goal to motherhood. AF still hasn't arrived, and I'm so thankful that she didn't show her ugly head while we were on vacation. Can you think of a bigger bummer? Now that I am back home, I'm a little concerned that AF hasn't come, so I called the nurse yesterday who basically told me I could wait it out or come in for baseline bloodwork to see where I'm at. She said they could tell from the bloodwork if I was approaching AF or if I was baseline enough to start BCPs. So...why am I hesitating? This is what I want isn't it?
OF COURSE IT'S WHAT I WANT!!! IF YOU DOUBT THAT THEN YOU DON'T KNOW ALL I HAVE BEEN THROUGH TO GET MY HEART'S DESIRE OF BEING A MOM!
I've decided that I will plan to go in for bloodwork next Wednesday if I have not gotten AF by then. Call me crazy, but maybe I'm just having a little wishful thinking after all the "alone" time that DH and I had while on our cruise. I truly don't know what got into my hubby, but we BD more in the past week than we have in 6 months!!! (That was another perk to the cruise).
As for my heart and my emotions...I'm getting better every day. My ex-coworker that went through her IVF 3 weeks before I did is now 18 weeks pregnant with a baby girl from her successful attempt, and although it hurts knowing that it would make me 15 weeks pregnant and it's so bitter sweet...I am truly happy for her and wish her all the best. I've sent messages to her via text and email a few times and even on her FB but have not received any response from her. That hurts the most I think. We were "fertility sisters" and went through all of this together, and now I'm not even acknowledged. I guess my problem is that I get to vested with friends and coworkers. Lesson learned!
So, I guess I will soon be popping pills again and doing those shots again. Honestly, I have enjoyed not having to worry about all of that stuff, but I guess I need to realize that this is just what has to be done, right? And, if I'm paying the outrageous COBRA fee, I might as well use it before it's gone, if not I have wasted that money for nothing!
Oh well, part of me is super excited about the future and praying that the Lord will bless us with a true sticky bean this time cause I just know I couldn't go through another loss again! This will be our last shot, so I have to be well prepared mentally for this, so the cruise has helped to clear my mind and prepare it for the craziness of a FET.
Anyway, I will be sharing some of our cruise photos soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)