Our WTHeck Appointment

Yesterday was my follow up appointment with my RE regarding this last FET. Of course I went into this appointment with a laundry list of questions that I wanted to ask him. I knew from the get-go that I wouldn’t get all my answers, but I was hoping to come away with something…I just didn’t know exactly what that “something” was.

Unfortunately Ken wasn’t able to go with me. One of the many problems we have with him working for the jerk he works for who happens to be the owner of the company. (I could call him many things but I must be careful what I say). I could tell that my doctor was surprised that my husband wasn’t there for an appointment like this, and honestly I didn’t want him to dig too deep into wondering why he was absent. After all, I was kind of upset that Ken wasn’t there myself.

I walked into his office with my pad of paper and pen in hand, ready to make my notes. I wanted to utilize his time wisely and I didn’t want to miss anything. All I can say about that…it was a good plan and I had good intentions but I didn’t write down a single thing. Sad, I know.

Anyway, my first question of course… “What do you think happened?” This was the big question that I hoped to get an answer for…sadly, he couldn’t answer this. He reiterated that the fibroid surgery was a necessity due to the size and location of the fibroid. I of course agreed completely. His next statement was that he highly suggested that I have PGS (pre-genetic screening) done on any embryos we have should we elect to do another round of IVF. I have more to say about this a little later!

I asked about having a RPL (repeat pregnancy loss) panel done along with any and all other testing that could possibly shed some light. This includes auto immune testing, leukocyte testing, genetic testing on both Ken and me, etc. I knew that my old clinic did an RPL panel of testing on me after our first FET because of my age and the way that whole thing played. That testing was done back in early 2011 and although nothing showed up in those labs, I am not 100% confident that testing was done properly or that they even did ALL the necessary testing. After all, we are talking about the clinic that killed six of our eggs right off the bat with inseminating them TWICE! If you couldn’t tell, I am still pretty upset over that situation!

Doctor M agreed that we should have a bunch of labs done and he listing several of the tests, but honestly I just couldn’t keep up with everything he mentioned. I plan on getting in touch with my nurse to see if she can email me this list so that I can do some further checking on what he plans to test for and to make additional requests if I feel something is missing from that list.

My next question started the discussion of where we go from here and what would be different should we do another attempt at a full IVF cycle. I asked him if he thought that the high dosage of stimulant drugs I was given from the other clinic in preparation for my egg retrieval could have caused the quality of my eggs to be diminished. After all, I was on such a high dose that they retrieved 33 eggs from me. I remember everyone at the clinic that day “bragging” about how many eggs I had because they hadn’t ever gotten that many before. Of course at the time, I thought… “yay, we have a lot to work with!” But now, all I can think of in my simple un-medically educated mind is that it was all about quantity and not quality with them. The more eggs the lower the quality. I wasn’t sure how my doctor would answer this question, but he agreed with me that being on the high dosage of stimulants has been shown to lower the quality of the eggs. He then went on to say that I would be on a much lower dose and that I would trigger with Lupron instead of Ovidrel because it lowers the chances of OHSS. Thankfully I didn’t get OHSS when I did my egg retrieval back in 2010, but that was always a fear because of being a woman with PCOS. He also said that ideally he would like to see me have somewhere around 6-10 eggs at retrieval, and of course mentioned the PGS testing again. Still more to be said about this!

After discussing what kind of protocol and what would be different in our next attempt, I felt that we were at a place in our discussion for me to ask my next question… “Would it be silly for us to take a step back and try 2-3 rounds of IUI before trying another IVF?” Yes, you read that right. I asked that question because I felt like this was an opportunity for us to be “trying” to conceive while deciding if we wanted to go through the full blown IVF thing again. I was actually surprised when he said that he thought it was a good idea and he would happily do whatever it takes to get us our baby. He then joked about how awesome it would be if we got pregnant through IUI after all we had gone through. He mentioned that even though I had 3 prior IUI’s at the other clinic, every protocol is different, that it was over 3 years ago and that we had the fibroid removed since then as well.

During the entire discussion about the IUI option and different protocols I asked him if he could recommend any type of supplements for me for egg quality, etc as well as anything that Ken could take to help with count and motility. Seriously, anything we can do to boost our chances I am definitely willing to look into or do. After talking about this with Ken, I feel he is on the same page with that. Anyway, I specifically mentioned something like FertilAid for Men. Anyone who has been on the TTC train for any amount of time has read about this supplement. I have always been curious after reading a ton of reviews on this stuff, but never really asked a specialist about it. He really didn’t have an opinion one way or the other and really didn’t think Ken needed any supplement help. I was kind of surprised by this actually. So, I have decided that I am going to invest in a bottle of the FertilAid for Men and have Ken take those for a few months. It certainly can’t hurt and it might even help our odds if it does what it says it does.

So, here we are. We have had 3 FET’s using 7 high quality embryos. We have gotten pregnant all three times, but we have never had a successful end to these pregnancies. How do we fix this? Is it going to take donor eggs or embryos or even donor sperm? I had this question on my list, but I was afraid to bring it up. I didn’t really want to think about that right now. Not that I am opposed to it, I just am not ready to go that route right now. I actually expected my doctor to mention this option to us, but when it wasn’t brought up by him, I just skipped over that question on my sheet. After all, if he didn’t feel the need to discuss it then I didn’t feel the need.

As you can probably tell, this appointment was more about “what direction we take” as opposed to “what the hell happened”. And as I mentioned, the topic of PGS (Pre-Genetic Screening also the same as PGD) came up a few times during our appointment. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this and I will tell you a few reasons why. First and foremost I feel that this is taking the science of IVF a little too far and almost playing the role of God. I mean to take an embryo and test a few cells to check some of the chromosome make up to determine if it is “normal” or abnormal kind of freaks me out a little. I feel that God doesn’t make mistakes and it’s not my job to choose between one embryo or the other and let’s face it, sometimes those tests aren’t 100% conclusive. Secondly, I know of several instances where women have had “genetically normal, PGS/PGD tested embryos put back and either NOT get pregnant or have an early loss as well. So, you spend the money and you do this test and yet it still fails. Which brings me to my third point regarding this pre-genetic screening… let’s say that we do this testing on our embryos and we transfer what they consider to be “perfectly normal” embryos that should result in a pregnancy and be right where we are now. It’s bad enough to know that your body isn’t letting you carry your baby to term (trust me, I’ve been there 3 times already), but I think that if I knew that the embryos themselves were perfect and yet it didn’t result in a take home baby it would be 100 times harder for me to deal with the emotions of that.

So, I of course mentioned these thoughts and feelings to Dr. M and explained to him exactly how I felt. His response kind of triggered something that made me want to research this a little more. He kind of flipped the coin on me and said, “ok, let’s just say that all the labs and testing we do on you and your husband come back clear and tell us absolutely nothing as to why this keeps happening to you. Then we do another IVF and FET and transfer two embryos that “look” perfect but we didn’t screen them, so we don’t know anything about them. And then you get that call you have gotten over and over again that you are pregnant, only to know in 4 weeks or so that you are losing the pregnancy. We would be right where we are now. Don’t you want answers? Wouldn’t you like to have some assurance that the embryos you are getting transferred have the best chance at a full term pregnancy?” Ugh…he just had to go there. But honestly, I’m glad that he laid it out like that. I told him that I would be thinking more about this option and Ken and I would discuss it closer to when time comes. But, I also told him that I really wanted to wait until all our labs were done and see if those showed anything that we were not aware of.

So, in conclusion I guess our first step will be to have the RPL panel done along with all the other tests that he believes we should get done. We do have to wait until my beta is down to 0 or below 5 before this can be done. Yesterday my level was still at 17 which seemed higher than I expected. The week before it was at 25, so it is dropping very slow. Dr. M mentioned that when the levels are falling they can kind of take their sweet time to get to 0.

In the meantime we are just going to take some time to ourselves and enjoy each other again. I will continue to do acupuncture and I started a new diet this past Saturday. As of today I have already lost 4 pounds! YAY. I want to focus on myself and not baby things for a little while. I will be ordering Ken some of the supplements and we can try for a natural miracle over the next few months. I might be attempting an IUI in June or July, but I don’t really want to rush into that decision now.

Here we are again!

Here we are again!

When I last posted, it was just a few days prior to our cruise and I shared the fact that I had caved and taken an HPT and gotten a BFP. On Friday Feb 7th (just two days before we sailed away on our cruise) my nurse asked me to come in for a beta since I had gotten a couple of positive home pregnancy tests. That beta came back at 97 at 10dp5dt. We were excited, but of course cautiously optimistic. Remember, we have been here before and sadly those pregnancies ended early on.

We spent 7 glorious days aboard the Freedom of the Seas (Royal Caribbean) sailing to the eastern Caribbean to islands like St. Thomas and St. Maarten. This time we took our dear friends, Wayne and Debbie and this was their first cruise ever! We had some great times and some laughs together, and most importantly we got to relax.

Unlike the other cruises I have been on, I was extra careful because of my “condition”. I took the elevator everywhere even if just going up or down one level. I just didn’t want to come this far and do something silly to cause any issues. I made sure to rest every afternoon for a couple hours. This part wasn’t hard at all because I was so exhausted by mid-day and really needed that down time. I think Ken enjoyed that downtime as well. I even took special care to not drink anything caffeinated (sodas/teas) and didn’t eat lunch meat or seafood as I am well aware of those risks as well.

On our last night, I was getting ready for the show and dinner and noticed a tiny bit of “old blood” when I went to the restroom. Nothing heavy and nothing that I was really concerned about. After dinner though, when I went to the restroom there was some more blood when I wiped and this was more pink than brown. I let Ken know and we made the night short and went back to our cabin to bed. By 6am the next morning (debarkation day) the blood had completely stopped and there was NOTHING! There had hardly been anything to begin with, but now there was nothing and I felt so relieved.

During the long drive home from Port Canaveral to South Carolina we stopped often so I could use the restroom and every time I checked with caution and thankfully it seemed like the bleeding had stopped and my only conclusion was that it was just some irritation from the Crinone (vaginal progesterone). I felt fine, felt pregnant (symptom wise) and was sure all was going to be ok.

The next day, Monday Feb 17th I went in for another beta draw and that level came back at 730 (20dp5dt). It was up, but it should have been much higher. The doubling rate was over 82 hours. I knew that this couldn’t be a good sign. I thought about it and called the nurse back and asked to have the doctor call me. Shockingly my nurse was “ok” with these numbers and didn’t think I needed to come back until my ultrasound, but I just knew I needed to double check that level to make sure that it was in fact going up and not coming down.

The next day the doctor called me and understood my concerns given my history. He asked that I come back in the next day (22dpt) to have a follow up beta test. When the doctor called back with my numbers, I just knew it couldn’t be good and I was right. Those numbers came back at somewhere around 450. I just knew it was over. I’ve been here before, and with numbers falling like that I know that this is not going to have the outcome we had been praying for. After talking with the doctor, he asked that I stay on all my medications and come back on Friday (24dpt) for another check. He mentioned the possibility of a vanishing twin and gave me some hope…but I wasn’t so sure that things were going to be good. Friday’s beta was down to 273 (24dp5dt).

At this point I was ready to just throw in the towel. I knew that I felt the end was coming and that once again we were going to suffer another heartbreak. I was really surprised when the doctor asked that I stay on all meds and come in on Monday for an ultrasound. Maybe he was just trying to give me hope. Maybe he actually believed that everything was going to work out for us. Maybe he was just humoring me. I don’t know, but I trusted him. I still trust him. So I took his advice and stayed on all my meds. We would wait to see what Monday would bring and what an ultrasound would show.

On February 24th (6w4d) I went in for my ultrasound…

On the way to the clinic I prayed as hard as I can remember ever praying. I asked God for his will. I asked that if this wasn’t going to end the way we had hoped that he would protect my heart and my soul from the pain that would come. I told him I was “ok” with whatever shall be, but I also prayed that he would follow me into that ultrasound room and show off in a big and mighty way.

The ultrasound tech started and in came my doctor. The technician started by checking my ovaries and tubes. I’m sure that the first concern was that this could possibly be an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully…all was clear there. She then made her way down to my uterus and there was something…but I wasn’t sure what it was. My doctor and the tech took a good hard look and I remember turning to look at my doctor’s face to try and gauge his expressions. There was a smile…but what does that mean? Turns out, it was a gestational sac and fetal pole. No heartbeat was detected, but my doctor was not concerned by that and reassured me that it could just be too early for it to be heard or seen.

I was amazed, and gave glory to God for what we had just witnessed, but I knew that we were not in the clear just yet. I asked the doctor flat out what his thoughts/opinions were on this. His words put me at ease at the moment… “You’re pregnant! You have the makings of a viable pregnancy.” I can hear those words now as though they were just being said to me. No beta was checked that day, as the doctor didn’t feel the need after seeing the ultrasound, and looking back now I probably should have requested it, but I too was ok with what we had seen on the ultrasound and I really didn’t want to be in that beta hell any longer. It just screws with my mind too much. I was just given the instructions to stay on my meds and come back the following week for another ultrasound, which was actually supposed to be my initial ultrasound to begin with. This time I was going to make sure to have Ken there. I didn’t want him to miss a beat.

That week went by pretty slow, at least looking back now it seems like it was slow. I just couldn’t wait to get back to the doctor’s office to get another ultrasound to see this little jelly bean I had in my tummy. I had an acupuncture session in the middle of the week and shared my updates with my acupuncturist. She felt my pulse and I remember her telling me, “you are pregnant.” Apparently pregnant women have a distinctive pulse and she felt this strong pulse and once again I had hope that this was really going to work for us. I just held onto the faith that I so desperately have struggled with throughout this IF journey.

When Monday rolled around, Ken met me at the doctor for our appointment. Looking back, I think in my heart I kind of knew what was about to happen, but I think at the time I thought it was the devil playing with my emotions and testing my faith. I tried so hard to hang onto my faith and believe that God was giving us our hearts desire.

Ultrasound time –NOTHING! My heart sank.

How could this be? How can something that was there last week not be there now? I don’t understand. I’m angry and I’m just sick and tired of having these heartbreaks over and over again and no one can tell me why this keeps happening!

I will say this, I know that I was led to come to this new clinic and that this doctor I am seeing is the right doctor for me. I truly believe that. His compassion for Ken and me during this loss/defeat is more than I could have ever expected and something that we both needed at the time. I don’t blame this doctor for our failed attempt. I don’t blame him for keeping me on medication when quite possibly any other doctor would have thrown in the towel. I actually praise him and appreciate the efforts he gave us and the faith he had for us even when my faith was far from where it should have been.

So where do we go from here? I have a laundry list of questions that I plan on asking him when I have that “What the heck” appointment next week. They are monitoring my beta to make sure it falls down to zero. This past Monday it was down to 25, so it is going the direction it is supposed to, even though it isn’t the direction I was hoping for.

At this point I just don’t know what our next move is. I am almost thinking that quite possibly this is an egg quality issue since the same thing keeps happening at roughly the same time. This is one of the many questions I will be asking the doctor next week.

As for how we are doing? Well, I keep telling those who ask me that I am doing ok. I guess I am doing ok, but I’m not where I should be, mentally. I am angry and hurt and confused and heartbroken. I feel at times that I am in this dark place or in the middle of a nightmare that I just cannot wake myself from. Really…how do women go through this time and time again? Surely I am not the only women who keep getting knocked down over and over again, but how much can one person take? How much can one couple take?

I do know one thing…when I told God that I was “ok” with whatever the outcome is with this…I was lying. I’m not ok with the fact that once again our hearts have been ripped out of our chest and stomped on.

Ok, so I caved!

Ok, so I did cave yesterday morning at 7dp5dt. Actually, technically it was 6 1/2 days past transfer since it was about 6am when I tested yesterday morning, but my transfer was at 1pm on the 28th. I KNOW, I KNOW...I am being a little too technical. Anyway, I POAS (FRER) and got a very light second line. It was light, but there was definitely a second line. I even took a few pictures of it with my phone, but the photo doesn't come out so good so I haven't included it with this post. I have only one test left and plan on taking it on Friday morning which will be 10dpt. We are being cautiously optomistic, or at least I am. DH has already said..."I KNEW THIS WAS IT!" Remember, we have been here before, but both times ended in heartbreak. This time we are keeping our faith strong and believing this just is our time!

We are PUPO!

Tuesday went off without a hitch and actually was such a smooth and wonderful transfer that I can’t help but remain positive that this just might be our “third time is a charm” opportunity! DH and I were both able to sleep in, which was such a nice change to our normal week day routine. Normally my sweetie is out the door by 6:30 and on his way to work with that long 45 minute…if he is lucky, commute. I’m usually rolling out of our bed about that time and slowly getting myself showered and ready for work, but thankfully my commute is no more than 30 minutes…if I am lucky! Not today, however. We were able to sleep in till about 8 and then get ourselves together for what was going to be a very special day for us. We went to breakfast at this little mom and pop restaurant that we like to frequent. You know the kind…good food at great prices. Oh, and LOTS of food. Haha! We were able to sit and enjoy our meal and just watch those that you just know are the regulars there visit and converse with one another about what has been going on in their lives since the last time they saw one another. After breakfast we made a few stops and then made our way to my acupuncturist’s office. Since I had to be at the clinic at noon, I had made an 11am appointment for a 30 minute session prior to our transfer. That was probably the most relaxing session I have ever had, and trust me…that is saying a lot because they are always so relaxing for me. Once finished, it was off to the doctor’s office. I could go on with the details, but I won’t bore anyone with that. I will say however that the highlight for both DH and I was when the nurse brought him scrubs! WHAT? I asked her, “Does he get to go back with me for the procedure?” She was quite shocked that I asked that question…and simply responded, “Yes ma’am, this is a team effort and he belongs there!” This just made our day! I mean…once again, everything is so different than it was at that “other place”. I almost started crying right then knowing that he was going to get to be a part of this whole thing. Once we were dressed and ready, and I had been given my small dose of valium the rotating door of visitors came in to go over things with me. The doctor (Dr. “M”arvelous), the embryologist with a photo of our little embies, and the nurse who would be performing the ultrasound during the transfer. All of them…just simply wonderful. They were so caring and thoughtful and made the whole experience just more pleasant than the past two times before. The procedure itself went off without a hitch. First cathedar used worked just as the doctor had hoped. The uterus looked wonderful and those two little embies are now, hopefully and prayerfully, snuggling in for the next 9 months. After 30 minutes of rest there in recovery, we were discharged and I headed back to the acupuncturist. Now, after 2 ½ days of bedrest, I am back to work and feeling good. Keeping those prayers and positive thoughts surging through my mind. BETA is scheduled for Feb. 17th because of our cruise vacation. The nurse told me to take a test with me and do it while on vacation…but I think I am just going to wait until I get the blood test done this time. Of course, my feelings might change before then! I’ll keep you posted!

Less than 2 Weeks til FET!

Well, today is CD7. Last Thursday Aunt Flo decided to make her appearance, and frankly was I excited and ready! I made my necessary call to the nurse to get my further instructions on what to do next. On CD1 (Last Thursday) I started the estrace (1 pill/day) and the dexamethasone (1 pill/day). I also started the Vivelle patches but unlike last time where I gradually increased my patches every other day until I was at 4 patches at once, I am only putting on 1 patch and changing it out every 3 days. I was told to continue on my lupron and then come in on Tuesday the 21st for my ultrasound lining check. Wait...WHAT? I thought we had a tentative scheduled date of Jan. 20th for the transfer. Well, apparently I got pushed back a week since AF took it's sweet time to show up, even though I don't think it took that long (4 days since stopping BCPs). Anyway, I will be going in bright and early next Tuesday to have my lining checked and hopefully moving on toward my FET on Monday, the 27th. I'm praying for a nice thick lining and that all looks well. This will be the first ultrasound since my surgery, so I am curious to see what the doctor has to say about it. The one thing that I am struggling with since this has been moved back a week is that it looks like I will have to wait until AFTER we get back from our cruise before I will get my BETA test done which would make it 21dp5dt. THAT'S RIGHT, not a 2WW but a 3WW! My nurse graciously gave me permission to take a HPT while on my cruise, but I swore those things off this go around. I want to do everything different than I had done the previous two times. So...ladies, don't complain about having to wait 2 weeks, when I will have to wait 3! Just Kidding of course. I know how much of a struggle those 14 days can be. I have continued along with my acupuncture and plan on having a treatment before AND after my transfer. Again, all along with the "doing things completely different this go around" theme.

Finally...a date!

Well, today happens to be cycle day 1, and as instructed by my doctor I called my nurse to find out what our game plan was going to be. After a long wait for a call back from my nurse, we have a plan and a tentative date for our upcoming FET.

January 20th looks like our date and although it seems like forever away I think the next 8 weeks are going to fly by, especially with the holidays coming.

The one thing that makes me a little nervous is that this transfer will be a little less than 3 weeks prior to our cruise we have coming up in February, but on the positive side of that we should have our beta the week before we cruise and our ultrasound the week following our cruise. Of course this all depending on us being successful...BUT, we have made a vow to keep everything positive and believe and claim that this is OUR TIME!

Do I see an FET on the horizon?

If everything goes as planned, my transfer is scheduled for noon on Tuesday.
JUST TWO AYS AWAY!
I say "if everything goes as planned" because today's bloodwork wasn't what the clinic had hoped for.
I went in this morning for what was suppose to be my last labwork before transfer. Of course, being Sunday, I was nervous about missing "The Call" while at church, so I had my phone on vibrate throughout the worship service and Sunday School. Of course, the call didn't come until well after church as we were getting ready to have our afternoon lunch. I answered with anticipation waiting to get my instructions for Tuesday and heard the news. "We currently have you scheduled for noon on Tuesday for your transfer, however your progesterone was a little low this morning and Dr. C would like for you to come in tomorrow morning to have those labs rechecked and have an ultrasound to check your lining one more time."
WHAT?? Really??
I happened to ask the nurse what my progesterone level was, and although I don't remember exactly, it was under 5! I knew that it sounded low, but I don't know what is expected at this stage. Honestly, this was the first time I had even asked what my "level" was this entire FET. Every other IUI and even with my previous FET I always asked what each bloodwork level was throughout. This time I didn't want to focus on any number. The only number I care about is that BETA number at the end of those two weeks.
Anyway, I asked the nurse what it "should" be. She was kind of vague. Her response was that if I was doing PIO that my level would be about 20. However, this FET I am only on the Crinone gel, which apparently doesn't get picked up in your bloodstream, therefore not picked up on the labs. I was a little concerned, but she said that the if everything looked good tomorrow with my lining and blood flow, then the transfer would still go on.
So, although I didn't want to get wrapped up in this, I went to good old Doctor Google. Wouldn't you know it...there was really nothing out there regarding this. For the most part, most people do both the PIO along with the Crinone gel. I mean, my last FET, I did both as well. This time around my doctor didn't prescribe it because according to studies, the Crinone gives all the progesterone needed right where it is needed. Makes sense to me...you're putting it as close to the uterus as you can get it, right?
Anyway, here I sit, just a mere 40 or so hours away from transfer and there is a question as to whether it will happen or not.
I must say that I'm not too concerned about the thickness of my lining because this past Thursday my lining was 9-10 and my thought is that it can only get thicker right? So, I'm praying for it to be around 12 tomorrow.

Stay tuned for our update tomorrow...

One More Week

Waiting. The entire journey of TTC is always about waiting!
I am excited about the coming days, and the fact that I will be having my FET a week from today. I just can't believe that it's just around the corner. I remember when this whole protocol started that it seemed so far away, and here it is, just a few days away.
Funny, DH and I were talking about how I probably wouldn't get much sleep next Monday night, and to be honest, he is probably right. I mean, how can you sleep when you have something so exciting happening the following day? It's like a kid the night before they are going to Disney World, or the night before Christmas, or me...the night before getting on a cruise ship! HAHA
Lately I have been doing a lot of praying. I pray every day normally....but lately, just seems like I am praying more. Not just for myself and what we are getting ready to do, but for those other girls that I have come to know that are on their journey's to conceive as well. Those that have had the heartbreak like I've had, those that are celebrating their much deserved BFPs, and those that are in the dreaded TWW (I'll be there next week). They all have touched my heart in so many different ways. They are in my thoughts a lot, and I pray for them. I just hope they know that.
So...as the days roll by, and I prepare for my snow babies to have a nice warm "thick" home to snuggle into, I am calm, peaceful and faithful...this is going to be our time!

Infertility weight

Well hello friends!
I've been lacking in blogs and I apologize for that. Honestly, my mind has been elsewhere. BUT, it's that time to update and get focused again.
Last Tuesday I started taking a diet pill to help with some energy and to get a jump start on getting rid of all this infertility weight. You know, the weight that comes along when taking all those prescription medications that are meant to help prepare your body to get pregnant. Well, in my case it was just medications that seemed to have added more junk to my trunk, so to speak!
Before I started these pills, Phentramin-D, I weighed myself and did my measurements so I can log and keep track of my progress. Saturday, after just 4 days of taking these pill, I was down 4 pounds already. Of course some of that is probably water weight, but I'll take it. I will be checking my weight and measurements tomorrow morning after a full week of doing these pills to see where I'm at. I hope to be blogging about some great success with this.

We also had to make the difficult decision Friday to not continue with the Cobra insurance. It was hard to make this decision because it means that we are not going to be able to prepare for a FET anytime soon. This is sad, but I have to continue to believe that we will be parents...that we are MEANT to have a baby, and that the Lord will give us this miracle. If it's in His plan, it will happen one way or another. Either we will find a way to come up with the money to do a transfer ourselves, or we will have our own little miracle. I am not going to let infertility beat me!

Rested and ready to move forward

After 7 days on a cruise, I have had some wonderful time resting and relaxing and spending some much needed time alone with my DH.
Although the cruise wasn't so hot (DH has dubbed Carnival as the Trailerhood of cruise lines), we enjoyed being away from the stress of work and being wrapped up in the sadness of our loss. It was nice just to spend a week not talking about it and not being around people who were aware of it who kept asking if I was alright or if I was ready to try again and IF I was going to try again.
I had fully planned on video taping throughout the cruise and giving a full video review of the ship and our experience on the Carnival Dream, but honestly there just wasn't anything that interesting of the ship to walk around with my video camera. I did do a few short clips of the inside of our cabin and some common areas on the ship, but when I got home and reviewed them I realized that it just wasn't what I wanted to share. SO...I will blog a review a little later today or possibly tomorrow for those who are interested to know my point of view from cruising.
Anyway, we are back to reality now and I'm doing some serious thinking of moving forward to the goal to motherhood. AF still hasn't arrived, and I'm so thankful that she didn't show her ugly head while we were on vacation. Can you think of a bigger bummer? Now that I am back home, I'm a little concerned that AF hasn't come, so I called the nurse yesterday who basically told me I could wait it out or come in for baseline bloodwork to see where I'm at. She said they could tell from the bloodwork if I was approaching AF or if I was baseline enough to start BCPs. So...why am I hesitating? This is what I want isn't it?
OF COURSE IT'S WHAT I WANT!!! IF YOU DOUBT THAT THEN YOU DON'T KNOW ALL I HAVE BEEN THROUGH TO GET MY HEART'S DESIRE OF BEING A MOM!

I've decided that I will plan to go in for bloodwork next Wednesday if I have not gotten AF by then. Call me crazy, but maybe I'm just having a little wishful thinking after all the "alone" time that DH and I had while on our cruise. I truly don't know what got into my hubby, but we BD more in the past week than we have in 6 months!!! (That was another perk to the cruise).

As for my heart and my emotions...I'm getting better every day. My ex-coworker that went through her IVF 3 weeks before I did is now 18 weeks pregnant with a baby girl from her successful attempt, and although it hurts knowing that it would make me 15 weeks pregnant and it's so bitter sweet...I am truly happy for her and wish her all the best. I've sent messages to her via text and email a few times and even on her FB but have not received any response from her. That hurts the most I think. We were "fertility sisters" and went through all of this together, and now I'm not even acknowledged. I guess my problem is that I get to vested with friends and coworkers. Lesson learned!

So, I guess I will soon be popping pills again and doing those shots again. Honestly, I have enjoyed not having to worry about all of that stuff, but I guess I need to realize that this is just what has to be done, right? And, if I'm paying the outrageous COBRA fee, I might as well use it before it's gone, if not I have wasted that money for nothing!

Oh well, part of me is super excited about the future and praying that the Lord will bless us with a true sticky bean this time cause I just know I couldn't go through another loss again! This will be our last shot, so I have to be well prepared mentally for this, so the cruise has helped to clear my mind and prepare it for the craziness of a FET.

Anyway, I will be sharing some of our cruise photos soon!

And the results are in...

Well, now that we have shared our news with our close friends, family and loved ones...I am so thrilled to share this news with my online friends and fellow bloggers.

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!

I have to say that when I got the results on Wednesday (1/12/11), I was super surprised...so let me rewind a few days prior to that beautiful day.

Saturday (1/8/11)= 8dp5dt
I took a hpt this morning and it was negative. I was a little bummed, because at this point, most every woman who has had a 5dt gets a positive home result. J, my coworker who is a couple weeks ahead of me had her positive test at 7dp5dt. I also wasn't feeling anything...I MEAN NOTHING! I told myself not to lose hope; I mean it could still be a little too early to be detected, RIGHT?

Monday (1/10/11) and Tuesday (1/11/11) Ken and I were both home due to snow and ice here in NC. It was a nice break and time to spend with my sweetie. Tuesday morning I decided to test again, it was 11dp5dt after all, and just one day prior to my beta, so surely if it was positive, it would show up today.
NEGATIVE AGAIN!! UGH
I was pretty down for the rest of the day. I confessed to Ken that I had taken the test and the results and bless his heart, he said..."I still believe that it is positive, don't lose your faith!"
That afternoon I called and talked to the nurse regarding my appointment for my beta (pregnancy) results. I was kind of nervous about driving on the icy roads Wednesday morning and asked if I could come in either Tuesday afternoon or reschedule for Thursday. Since they were closing early, she pushed my test back one day...to Thursday (1/13/11). I told her that I was sure the result would be negative and explained I had taken a test that morning that produced a BFN! I was even thinking of what our next steps would be...if we'd jump right in with another FET since we have 5 on ice, or would we take some time off.

Wednesday (1/12/11)=12dp5dt
We both went back to work today. At about 10am I called my nurse to see if I could come in for my beta this afternoon since the roads were clear...I arrived at REACH at 11am and gave my blood for what I was sure was going to result in a confirmation that we were not successful.

3pm --My phone rings...the nurse on the other line says, "Lynn, your test came back positive!", I said..."Say that again?"
She then confirms that I was in fact pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I was completely surprised at this result.
I asked her was my beta # was, and it was low...44.6, but it was positive!
Of course the first call I made was to my sweet husband and I'm sure he could barely understand me...I was crying like a fool, but the happiest of fools for sure.
My next few calls were to my daddy, my husbands cousin, Debi, who he is very close to and who has been praying for us all through this journey, and to two of my best friends back in Florida. Then it was back to work...however much work I could do.

Friday (1/14/11)=14dp5dt
Back in this morning for another beta test to make sure levels are rising accordingly.
The results....120!!! For those of you who are not sure what this all means, beta #'s (your HCG or pregnancy hormone) should double every 48-72 hours to be good and normal. My numbers almost TRIPLED in this time. My doubling time was about 34 hours...so very good.
This evening we went to the in-laws and shared the great news with them. They have waited a long time for this too. This will be the first grandchild on both sides. Below is a video of us telling Ken's parents.
I found a grand parents brag book photo album and put a photo of the digital pregnancy test in the first photo slot.




So, flash forward to today, Sunday (1/16/11)
Tomorrow I go back for my 3rd and final beta test to make sure the numbers are looking good, so we are praying for great numbers tomorrow. At that point they will schedule me for my 1st ultrasound which will probably be a week from tomorrow or so...

So, tomorrow, I plan on being back with some great news.
Oh, and again I apologize for waiting to update my blog, I just had to let the fam know the news before the rest of the world know.

The only other time that should happen is when it's time to let the world know what the sex of our "Peanut" is.

Until next time~

10 More Days and Christmas is even sooner than that!

It is so hard to believe that we are only about 10 days or so away from our FET! I am getting anxious and nervous, worried and excited all at the same time!
It seems like I have been waiting my whole life just for this time, and I don't even know how to take it all in, but trust me, I want to take it all in and experience it all.
I'm up to the 4 patches of estrogen, changing them every other day. I have little sticky squares all over my tummy from where the previous patches were and I'm having a hard time getting it all off. I've tried everything and in return I've just been rubbing myself raw. At this point I have just told Ken that I will wait and get it all off at once (that is if I can find something that is safe for skin that WILL get it all off).
I thought I had done good with not catching any type of cold bug this flu season, especially seeing as everyone around me seems to have gotten something over the past several weeks...then this morning I wake up and I have that "scrachy" feeling in my throat, and I just know that something is coming around the bend! I haven't done any Vlogs in quite some time; I know, I know...I really thought that I would, but things have just been so incredibly crazy over the past several weeks/months that I just haven't gotten the time or the energy to go through all of that. Besides, I haven't even gotten a tripod yet for the camera, but maybe Santa will bring me one since I have been talking about getting one for months now.
That's another subject. Christmas is only 4 days away now, and my dad is up from FL visiting and I have been constantly in the kitchen baking and still haven't gotten ALL of my Christmas shopping done. I feel horrible that I haven't bought my husband a gift yet, but to be completely honest...I'm keeping faith and praying that our Christmas present shows up about mid January with a great big BFP!
Anyway, it's back to the RE on Thursday morning for an U/S and blood work, and I'm hoping that everything is progressing well. I'm still a little nervous about the fibroid, but then again, if the doctor's aren't worried then I'm not going to worry too much.
I do hope that you all have a safe and happy Christmas season. Enjoy this time with family and friends...enjoy the good food!

Well...I'm on the Patch!

So, I'm plugging along, and on "The Patch"...the Estrogen patch that is.
I had a what I guess would be considered a "baseline" ultrasound and blood work on Sunday, Dec. 12th. The fibroid that the RE noticed on my two week check after Egg Retrieval is still there, and measuring somewhere around 31mm, at least I think that's what the doctor said who did my ultrasound Sunday. I was a little concerned about that, cause my fear is that it would hinder any implantation from the FET, but...I guess it doesn't concern any of the doctors and we were instructed to move forward.

See all the medication I will be on from here on out, some even well after the transfer until a positive pregnancy test!!
One of which is the patches that I got to start on Sunday evening!

These patches are going to be tricky I think. I start with one a day then every other day I take the patch(es) off and add another up until I have 4 at a time on which I will wear until a positive pregnancy test. Let me tell you, they are sticky little boogers.

I won't be going back in to the doctor until Dec. 23rd and then the real fun begins. I will start the pills (antibiotics, steroid and something else) and on Christmas day I will start the Progesterone in Oil injections!

Do you see the size of that needle? Since these are intramuscular injections, Ken will have to stick those in every day, and let's just say I'm not super excited about that.

Well, that's just a quick update. Christmas is drawing closer, my dad will be here for a visit in just a couple short days and I have SO MUCH TO DO!