Surviving Another Mothers Day

Another mother’s day has come and gone and once again my arms are empty. My wonderful DH presented me with two lovely cards first thing Sunday before stepping out for church and it just reminds me once again how much I truly love this man.
 
Card #1 was from our two fur babies Dixie and Savannah and it really made me smile. For now they are our only babies and you can bet that I treat them as such. I can’t imagine not having them in my life. On those days when I feel empty or sad or just totally lost they are there to let me know that they love me and that I mean something special to them.
 
Before I even opened up card #2 I already had my suspicions of what it was going to be but it still didn’t prepare me for the emotions that would flood as soon as I read it. This card was from our “angel baby”. My sweet husband is quick to reassure me that I am a mother, even when the rest of the world forgets that I am. Even though on days like this when I can’t hold or hug or play with our baby, I do have this beautiful “angel baby” who will be reunited with me once again. That thought is one I hold dear. It gives me hope and strength in times when I feel I have absolutely none!

 

 

Infertility and loss are not the only reasons why I try to avoid most mothers’ day celebrations. For much of my life I have had a sad lack of a relationship with my own mother. This is something that I struggled with for quite some time, but for probably the past 2 years I have just learned to let it go. It is not my fault that she has “forgotten” about me. It’s not my fault that she doesn’t reach out to know me or have a relationship with me. Matter of fact, if anything it is her loss that she doesn’t know the woman that I have become or what goes on in my life. It is a sad situation that we do not have a relationship, especially with the trials and heartache that I have had to endure in my own struggle to become a mom. I will say that I don’t let a mother’s day or her birthday go by where I don’t send her a card and give her a quick call to let her know I was thinking about her. I do often wonder though, why she ends our phone conversations with “I love you” because not once in my life have I ever felt her love and I just ask myself quietly… “do you?”

So, once again I have survived another mothers’ day. I avoided the actual church service where all moms are acknowledged, but I did attend Sunday school and hear all about it. I stayed off Facebook so I wouldn’t see all the posts about moms & being a new mom only to log on in the evening to see the first post from a family member announcing their pregnancy. But I survived and I’m ok, really. Of course I pray for a baby of our own and hope that next mother’s day I won’t feel like this, but right now I’m ok. God is working in my life and making me a stronger woman through all of this.

So much for that...

It has been a bit since I have done any type of blog update, but I found about 2 minutes in my day today and felt the need to do since...well things have changed!
We went in to the RE Thursday past for a follow up ultrasound to make sure that everything was ok.
Wednesday night (the night before), I started to have some light bleeding. Honestly...I wasn't alarmed. I mean it was nothing like the first time, and that entire week before I heard the heartbeat, I had what seemed like an actual period, so...I felt pretty confident that all was ok. There was no cramping and no discomfort, so I just stopped all the packing (we are in the process of moving) and spent the rest of the evening in bed.
Ken and I were there in the exam room with great anticipation for him to hear and see the little jelly bean...and then there it was....SILENCE!
The doctor said those haunting words, "the heartbeat is gone". And just like that, my world came crashing down...AGAIN!!
God, I just don't understand how this has happened AGAIN!
So, we have lost the second baby, and my heart is broken far beyond repair at this time.
I'm thankful that we are busy moving, so it keeps my mind distracted...for the most part. BUT, in the silence of the night, in the car stopped at a red light. While I am in the shower. When the world seems to be so still to me...I can hear my heart breaking again.

I know this is a short update, but I'm still not really able to just blog out about this roller coaster ride. I will, I know I will, but just not today.